“We have the right and even the obligation to tell lies,” says ethologist Boris Tsiryulnik. In his opinion, by resorting to lies, we thereby express our respect for others and try to protect our pride, which often suffers from excessive demands on the individual. He, of course, does not praise untruth, but explains its nature and significance for personal growth.
Psychologies: Most often, fear, guilt or shame makes us lie. But are there any circumstances that give us the right or even oblige us to lie?
Boris Tsirulnik: Of course, one can talk about the obligation to lie as a proof of philanthropy. A lie is a subtle and virtuoso game of the human mind. To lie means to influence a person’s ideas about himself and the world and penetrate into his personal space with a word, facial expressions, a situation played out, an appropriate smile or the right gesture.
A lie is a kind of intellectual achievement that allows you to try on the thoughts and ideas of another person. In order to successfully lie, one must not only be smart, but also at least partially respect the interlocutor.
People with disabilities never lie, because they do not care about others. They always say only what they think; and if their words are cruel and can hurt, they don’t care. As for mentally unhealthy people, for them the people around them do not exist at all; accordingly, there is no point in hiding your true thoughts. Simply put, people with psychosis have no idea about others, and people with disabilities have no respect for the ideas of others. But a lie is precisely respect for others.
You mentioned the concept of shame. Indeed, we often tell lies in self-defense: if life is in danger, then sometimes it is enough to remain silent to save it. Thus, we have the right to lie and distort the views of another person according to our desire, if the lie can save us from danger (and this is a completely justified defense).
Often our body betrays us if we tell a lie. What are the main and most obvious signs of a lie?
B.C .: Deliberate honesty is often accompanied by suspicious intonations, unusual facial expressions or gestures that we are not able to control. The speaker of a lie knows exactly what he wants to say, and he does not need to choose expressions.
While, wanting to express an uncomfortable, unfavorable truth, we stumble, look for the right words, stutter, etc. But a well-thought-out lie is a good staging. A liar can give himself away only with too even and feigned intonations; and if, moreover, we are talking about an inept liar, then it is easy to recognize him by confused, incoherent speech.
Although a skilled liar is sometimes given signs beyond his control: for example, it is impossible to force yourself not to blush or make sure that the pupils do not dilate.
Are any of us subject to so-called self-deception?
B.C .: Yes, we are all forced, even obliged, to lie to ourselves. Perhaps this phenomenon is related to self-determination. For example, having realized by the age of six that I was a boy, I realized that I differ from girls not only anatomically and psychologically, but also in my social position. From that moment on, I identified with my father (and the men around me) and tried to feel how I differed from my mother (and other women).
This gender differentiation is very important for self-identification and personal evolution. This is how we create some idea of ourselves. And we are obliged to do this, because these dreams, this movie about ourselves, which we compose in our imagination (where we act either as a president, or as a pop star, or as a tennis champion), we need to create our own image. We need these fantasies, this self-deception, because they give us direction for action, give us the meaning of life.
In this case, is it possible to say that a lie is a necessary element of the personality structure?
B.C .: Undoubtedly! After all, how do children, who find themselves alone with the most monstrous circumstances, manage to cope with them? This is only possible for those who are able to escape reality into the world of their inventions. Children who do not know if they will be able to eat today, whose lives are in danger, survive precisely through self-deception and the world of dreams.
By the way, they are all talented actors and skillful liars. It is even difficult to imagine how rich the world of their imagination is. When they are caught by the police or social workers, they play a comedy, pretending to be obedient and innocent creatures. Their behavior is a white lie.
So, the one who never lies is more likely just a person not adapted to life in society than a saint?
B.C .: To lie is to show respect for others, save them from pain, and also prepare them for the bitter truth. As a novice doctor, I believed that it was necessary to protect the calmness of patients and hide a terrible diagnosis from them.
But then it turned out that the disease progressed, the condition worsened, the patient’s family did not follow the instructions, and he himself turned out to be deceived. I had to change my point of view. Although sometimes the diagnosis is reported as a death sentence, and I have seen how hard it is for an unprepared patient to survive this shock.
This kind of truth is a manifestation of disrespect for human feelings. You still need to be as tactful as possible and prepare the person.
Is it correct to conclude that there is a useful, even necessary lie and a destructive one? After all, many believe that any lie is fatal.
B.C .: If our society lived only by the truth, then those of its members who are on the lower rungs of the social ladder would sooner or later come to terms with their position as “subhuman”. So self-deception is simply necessary for us to protect our self-esteem in spite of the circumstances. At the same time, a constant stay in the world of dreams and self-deception deprives us of the opportunity to overcome life’s obstacles.
Mathematical formulas cannot be a little fiction and a little truth. They are either true or false. A theory can be logical or absurd. There is no place for lies or fiction here. The absence of deception in this case allows us to take into account the laws of nature and improve the conditions of life.
At the same time, let us remember that it is precisely those individuals that survive that are poorly adapted to the conditions of life, because it is precisely this unsuitability that pushes them to self-improvement. That is why it is necessary to leave a person the right to self-deception and white lies, because thanks to them he can grow and better adapt to life.
You claim that clever lies are one of the engines of evolution. But in recent years, our society has awakened the need for truth, truth, transparency of life. Perhaps this is a sign of regression?
B.C .: This can be a sign of regression if the truth is told in a harsh manner. But, for example, children who are victims of incest talk about this problem 40 years later. And this is absolutely correct, because they had enough time to gather their strength and verbally express all the suffering experienced. They come to this, having received the necessary baggage of knowledge. No one says how much psychic energy is wasted by those who happen to survive such trials. But without it, they simply would not have survived …
If our society lived by the naked truth, these children would end up in homes for the handicapped. In fact, only at the very beginning, being in the power of the experienced grief, they seem to be inhibited; a few years later, when their spiritual wounds heal a little, they will develop at their usual pace. That’s why it’s so important not to confuse the truth with the hard, raw truth.
The conclusion suggests itself: in order to reach maturity and understanding the true essence of things, humanity must improve its ability to deceive.
B.C .: As far as the human personality is concerned, lying is a defense necessary for its progress. But that doesn’t mean you have to live with the mindset “I should never tell the truth.” In fact, we always tell the truth, but we do it in different ways: in a rough form or more subtly, in parts, hints and omissions. The only difference is in the strategies.
Telling the truth straight to your face is possible only in a favorable psychological environment, when the emotional state allows it, and this rarely happens. That is why our culture itself pushes us to deception and thus forces us to invent new things, primarily in poetry, painting, literature and art in general.