Libido: Reboot

Restore calm

“Intimacy in relationships is possible only in conditions of peace of mind,” recalls sexologist Jenny Wood, author of Yes! Yes! Yes! Only for women”. So try to recreate it: less stress, complete acceptance of a partner, as well as a sufficient level of arousal. “And let it take time,” says the sexologist. “Today, our sexual problems mainly arise from the fact that we do not care about maintaining these conditions, and modern life constantly violates them.”

exercise

You can learn to love each other, assures sexologist Catherine Solano, co-author of the book “Love me in French …”. After all, this skill is not inherent in us initially. And even if the first attempts were flawed, you can not put an end to intimate life.

As in sports or in a profession, it takes years of practice to master sexuality to the fullest. Over time, you will not only master the “technique”, but also learn to listen to emotions, to be more liberated. But it is emotions that give real value to sex.

Feel the difference

Romantics believe that lovers should match each other almost perfectly. However, it is not. We are different, which means that no matter how frank our relationship with a partner is, we can never be sure that we know him completely.

Psychologist John Gray, author of Mars and Venus in the Bedroom, recalls that part of the difference is based on a mismatch between male and female sexuality. “As a rule, men are not aware of the female desire to relax and slowly begin to have sex,” says John Gray. “They, on the contrary, are ready to rush into battle right away, because they need sexual release to relax. Most women need to first pamper, relax, and only then they can enjoy good sex.

First feel

Give yourself time to discover. “Gentle strokes and caresses evoke powerful positive emotions,” explains sexologist Helen Singer Kaplan, author of Sexual Therapy. Illustrated Guide. – A person tends to respond with kindness for kindness. Gentle tactile contact enhances the intimate disposition to each other.

It is important to focus on your own perception, satisfy your interest and enjoy. This is how we get to know better how our body and the partner’s body function, and therefore we can make our relationship more harmonious – not only sexual, but relationships in general.

Listen to yourself

That is, to their own sexual reactions. If, having felt desire, you immediately begin to think about how your partner will react to this, the excitement disappears. There is nothing wrong with taking care of your partner, but if you forget about your own sexuality in the process, the relationship will become like a friendship.

Taking care of another, do not neglect yourself, do not turn into the executor of his desires. “Most often, lovers fall into this trap, for whom the partner is the center of life and the meaning of all meanings,” warns psychotherapist Ulrich Klement, author of Good Sex Despite Love. For them, dissolution in another is natural, and therefore they do not see the need to change anything.

On the contrary, self-orientation does not imply selfishness or inattention to the other at all – you will listen to his desires, but only after you understand your own. There is some risk in this, but it is following your desires that can become the basis of true intimacy.

Experiment

Habitual caresses and techniques of sexual arousal become boring over time. For sex to remain a genuine source of pleasure, you need to “turn on the imagination to the fullest,” says sexologist Alex Comfort, author of The Joy of Sex. We always have the opportunity to bring our own ideas to sex and “act” them in our own way. The most important thing in this case is the readiness of the partner for experiments.

Speak

“The key word here is communication,” explains psychotherapist Bridget Martel, author of Sexuality, Love, and Gestalt. – Talk about what you want or don’t want, ask the other what he expects from you and what he doesn’t like. Discussing these topics with other people – friends, therapists, group members – also allows you to expand your understanding and makes it possible to see that there is no common way of acting for all: each couple creates a unique sex life.