Letting a baby be born knowing it won’t survive

One of the parents chooses to terminate the pregnancy for medical reasons. Some people flatly refuse to have an abortion. The reasons for this decision are different. For example, some couples will not accept artificial termination of pregnancy under any circumstances – this is contrary to their personal values.

“When my husband and I found out that our baby had a serious genetic disease and, according to doctors, with a 99,9% probability, after giving birth, he would live no more than a few days, we still said to each other: “We will let him be born. We will give a chance to fight for life, ”Irina shares.

Natalya and Sergey did not want to believe until the very end that the diagnosis made to their long-awaited Semyon at the tenth week of pregnancy was final. “What if the doctors are wrong? How can you be 100% sure of this without seeing the child?” Therefore, they categorically refused to terminate the pregnancy, hoping that the doctors were wrong and “everything will be fine.” Alas, the diagnosis was later confirmed, and Semyon became an “angel” – this is how parents who survived perinatal loss call their departed babies.

Faith prevented Karim and Elena from having a medical abortion. “It is not for us to decide whether to take a life or not. We are just guides of the child into this world, ”the man explains.

Perinatal psychologists know how difficult such a decision is to make. This direction in psychology appeared in Russia relatively recently. For a long time, parents who lost children during pregnancy, in childbirth or within 28 days after birth were left alone with their grief. In addition, the stereotype was maintained in society that such a loss was incommensurable with the loss of an already adult child.

Women who found out that their baby was not born had to hear: “Nothing, you will give birth again!”, “Why torture yourself and the child!”, “We need to free ourselves, forget, give birth to another.” And what is it like for parents to answer questions about the future of a child who, most likely, will not live to see the first birthday? ..

The medical system, alas, is not yet ready for a humane attitude towards the parents of children whose life hangs by a thread already in the womb. The system does not need sad statistics and problems associated with the inevitable internal investigation into the causes of death, checking the protocols for mandatory resuscitation of a child who cannot be saved. Sometimes parents of an unborn baby also face misunderstanding from loved ones.

Now the situation has begun to change, and programs to support parents who have experienced perinatal loss have begun to appear in the country. Those who made a conscious choice to bear a child, despite its incurable disease or the death of the fetus in the womb. Medical staff also needed psychological help: obstetricians start childbirth to help a person be born and live happily, and the death of a newborn is a very traumatic event for them.

Many parents who are told about an incurable and life-incompatible disease of an unborn baby are in a state of uncertainty. And they need psychological help. There are charitable foundations that provide such assistance. Support and support in case of perinatal losses is provided by the Light in Hands charity fund, created by Alexandra Feshina, who lost her son Yegor in childbirth.

“It is difficult for people to endure situations of uncertainty, the outcome of which will greatly affect their lives. And especially – situations of perinatal uncertainty: will the child live after birth? If so, how long and how healthy will he be? Sometimes parents feel that they are going crazy because they need to consider all possible scenarios and make a choice,” explains Olga Lebedeva, a psychologist at the Light in Hands charity foundation.

“Working with a psychologist can be a great support in such a situation. The psychologist will not make a choice for the couple, but will help to carefully consider all the circumstances: the values ​​of the father and mother of the child, living conditions, who and how will be affected by the decision, the emotional resources available to the couple. And then he will support you when you meet with the consequences of your choice.”