Letter from a psychotherapist to a teenager addressed to parents

Dear teenage son or daughter, We find it difficult to communicate, we get angry and annoyed. We say words that we later regret. Being a parent of a teenager is the hardest thing. Even if I am sure of the decision, painful doubts live inside that keep me awake at night. I read books, I talk to other parents, I want to do the best. But I say something wrong again, I hurt you, and you turn away.

More recently, we held hands, laughed when you talked about school adventures or silly games at a birthday party. Now we silently walk side by side. We are separated by an abyss of silence. Instead of laughing, we fight, plot and plot. But there are no winners in our war of the worlds. We are only left with scars.

You feel like a real prisoner in the family. You want more freedom. I know that and I understand why you’re upset. But I can’t let you be as free as you want. I am your parent, not a friend. I know you hate me. I read it in your offended eyes. At some point, for a moment, I completely stop recognizing you. I want to get back to you, find a way back. But I have to make tough decisions.

I am your parent, and I do not expect you to understand me at all. But, perhaps, we will be able to build a new bridge of kind words, and along this bridge we will go towards each other. Very soon you will gain independence. You will spread your wings powerfully and break free. And I will watch with delight as you fly high.

For now, let’s put aside the hurt, put my arrogance aside, and find a better way. I promise that I will be more patient in all situations in which we cannot find a common language. I will try to follow the following rules:

1. Stop judging.
2. Stop blaming.
3. Don’t try to win.

I promise to listen more, talk less, deal with frustration, and build rapport. I promise to be more empathetic and less aggressive, communicate in a respectful manner, and not try to be defensive.

I will need time. I will make mistakes, break down and revert to old habits, but keep trying – I will never give up.

Sometime in the future, when unpleasant moments lose their sharpness, and the ringing silence of your empty room will be like the sound of the strings of a forgotten guitar, I will take out this letter and say the words of gratitude for the fact that we learned to fight for each other, and not against each other . And that together they found the strength to make the path of the parent and child full of love, not stubbornness.

Sincerely yours,

Parent