Ola got out of bed and went to ask for help. The midwife came running and looked under the bloody covers. “You gave birth to a son,” she whispered, and Ola looked at the miniature, red body of her child. – He was fully formed, tiny little man. All that’s left for him to do is gain weight, he says quietly.
Today, 29-year-old Aleksandra cradles 10-month-old Carlos to her breast. The baby is big, he laughs. A specimen of health. – When he was born he got 9 points on the Apgar scale. He weighed almost 4 kilograms! – tells the young mother with a twinkle in her eye. Before that, she was not so lucky.
The fact that the baby was born is considered a miracle. She was never meant to have children! Already in adolescence, she found out that she suffered from polycystic ovary syndrome. She had ovarian changes, cysts, irregular cycles. Due to a hormonal imbalance, she was overweight.
– I’m stuffed with drugs like a pharmacy. And so, when I was 22, the gynecologist told me without further ado: you will never give birth to a child …
Exactly 7 years after this visit, her beloved Carlos was born.
– Before Carlos, I was also pregnant. Twice – the woman confesses. – But I had my first pregnancy very early. I didn’t even realize that a profuse, late period and fluffiness like pieces of liver were the remains of my baby. That there might have been a miscarriage then, I realized a few years later.
In her second pregnancy, she lasted until the fifth month.
– Everything was book-like. I felt nauseous at the beginning and had a burst of energy in the second trimester. Normal results, good mood. At the end of week 20, I felt the baby’s first movements. I found out there would be a boy. Even on the day when his heart stopped beating, I did not feel any anxiety that something might be wrong. I went to work in the morning, and in the afternoon for a check-up visit to the gynecologist. The horror began with him in his office. During the ultrasound examination, the doctor began to knead my stomach like dough. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t explain anything. He called the midwife and pointing to the monitor of the device asked: do you see this? I see, she replied irritated. They began exchanging some Latin names among themselves. I was horrified.
After the unfortunate visit, Ola went to the city hospital with the doctor’s referral and note about the lack of heartbeat in the fetus. There they were to confirm the diagnosis and take care of the patient.
– I was roaring through the ward. It occurred to me that the baby I had carried under my heart for five months was probably dead, but I didn’t want to, couldn’t accept it. At the hospital to which I was referred, I was told that they did not care for patients in the 20th week of pregnancy, and I was sent to another facility. So I’m going through town in a taxi. Tears, nerves, fear. Again the emergency room, papers, ward, doctor. I learn from him that in the previous hospital they had a damned duty to take care of me. What are these strange excuses ?! So I’m coming back. At the entrance, I am reprimanded that I complained about them in the military. But they put me in a ward with two more girls with stillborn fetuses in their stomachs. We lie still on the beds and stare at the ceiling. I have the biggest belly. My pregnancy has developed the furthest. They stuff us with drugs to induce contractions. A doctor comes, by descent. He doesn’t use the personal form when he says something. Commands;
– When they feel parte contractions, quickly run to the toilet. Then we will choose what we need …
A twenty-something-year-old student gets the first contractions. Blood is running down her legs. In the midwives’ room, they explain to her that it is too early. The drugs work after eight hours. But she can’t take it anymore. He goes – as ordered – to the toilet. Haemorrhage. Then the midwives’ room again. One: please come back to the ward, it couldn’t be it yet. They clean up after it in the bathroom. You can hear the sound of water, a flush. The student didn’t get any more hemorrhages.
– They lowered her baby down the toilet. To this day, he struggles with depression – says Ola sadly.
Ola knew from the very beginning that she would not give birth in the toilet. When the pains came, she squeezed her eyes shut and bit her lips. Her son was born on an ordinary ward bed. A few minutes later she pulled out of it and went to ask for help. The midwife came running and looked under the bloody covers. You gave birth to a son – she whispered, and Ola was looking at the miniature, red body of her child. – He was fully formed, tiny little man. All that’s left for him to do is gain weight, he says quietly.
In the evening they took her for a curettage treatment. The same doctor who ordered her to give birth in the toilet was supposed to take care of her. She came four hours late.
– They stripped me naked and put me on the gynecological chair. The anesthetist administered the first dose of anesthesia. – Does he want to bury the baby? Because if so, you have to write a letter – said the doctor. The anesthetist handed me a piece of paper and a pen. I was already dizzy, I was slowly drifting away, but I wrote, or rather scribbled, what I needed. When I woke up in the ward, the midwife pressed the number for the hospital mortuary into my hand. “You’ll call there when you recover,” she explained.
Ola left the hospital on her own request. “Another day in this place and I think I’d be freaked out.” At home, cuddled with her partner and father, she cried all weekend. Jorge cried with her. On Monday, holding hands, they went to the hospital mortuary. Antoś was already there. It was lying on a cold metal table packed in a plastic bag. They could stay and take care of him.
– We knew very well what we were here for. That you need to wash the baby, put it in a coffin. Our son was 14 cm long. All fingers, miniature fingernails. A fluff has already appeared on the head. The expression on his face as if he was sleeping sweetly. As if he was even smiling a little.
Jorge made him a jacket and a gauze cap. We wrapped him in my handkerchief from first communion. We said goodbye to him, assured him that we love, that we will never forget. A few days later, an employee of the funeral parlor picked him up from the dissecting room. The burial ceremony was very solemn. We put a blanket, nappies and a few stuffed animals into an oversized coffin (the size of a normal newborn baby). Before Antek was buried, he became a full citizen. At the registry office, he was given a birth certificate and a death certificate. He got insurance. We were given an allowance to bury the child – says Ola.
The woman emphasizes the importance of surviving the mourning of a child. Starting from the overwhelming sense of loss, to deep sadness and the phase of reconciliation and acceptance. How important is a place where you can come and lay flowers, light a candle.
– Antoś has his own grave in the cemetery. We go there with the whole family. Jorge, our foster daughter Kasia, Carlosek and me. The kids light candles, dip their fingers in wax, laugh. I silence them, but I know Antoś would not hold it against them. I still feel sorry for his loss, but I thank God for letting me see him and… say goodbye to him. For me, it will never be a fetus lost in the fifth month of pregnancy. This is my son who died prematurely. But he was alive, and this life must be respected, just like any other life.
On October 31, an unusual ceremony took place at the municipal cemetery in Kobylanka near Grudziądz. The ashes of Ewa and Maja, stillborn children in the municipal hospital in Grudziądz, whose bodies were not collected by their parents, were buried in the mass grave. The girls were given names by hospital staff. In a special crypt there is also an urn with abortive “leftovers”.
– Funerals have been organized since May. On average, two a month. First, the remains of the fetuses and the bodies of stillborn children are taken to Gdańsk for cremation, then they are hidden in a special crypt – explains the employee of the funeral home responsible for the burial.
– Is this an unusual practice on a national scale, I cannot say. However, we believe that there must be cultural changes that will ensure that we treat the remains of such children with due respect and dignity. That is why we agreed on this matter with the city and we are organizing burials – explains Piotr Jaskulski, the deputy director of the Grudziądz facility, and adds:
– Unfortunately, hospitals are still full of human fetuses, with which we do not know what to do, because the parents did not ask for them. They were once disposed of. Currently, the law expressly regulates the right of these human beings to register with the registry office and dignified burial. Therefore, we inform our patients about the possibility of collecting the remains and bodies. Still, many families do not choose to do so. That is why we have already buried ten children. Let them rest in peace …
Author: Joanna Weyna Szczepańska