“Let the state save me”: why during a crisis we fall into childhood

“I pay taxes regularly, I was surrounded from all sides! When my business was successful, I paid, – says small entrepreneur Anton. — And now my business has stopped because of the coronavirus and self-isolation. It is not possible to repair cars online. I am already in the red, and what will happen next is obvious to me. I will go bankrupt. I read what is offered in other countries to people like me, and I wonder: why does my state not support me so much? But I’m already used to not having to rely on anyone. I’m going to get out somehow, I don’t know how yet. ”

The biggest losses now are those whose income and activity are tied to work with people whose physical presence is simply necessary. And Anton’s position is quite understandable. But there is another category of people – those who “can, but do not want to.”

“I didn’t come up with this – all these quarantines and tight control over movement. In general, I think the problem with the coronavirus is far-fetched. This is politics that is played by the whole world. What did I do? Whoever started this all, let him take the rap. Let him decide how to help me,” says sales manager Irina.

Why such different reactions to the same event? How to understand where the responsibility of the state for its citizens ends and where our own responsibility for what is happening in our lives begins? What can we influence ourselves, and what should we put up with and wait for help “from above”?

Every pack has a leader

“Specialists noted that during periods of crisis, a person tends to regress psychologically. The biological expediency of such a rollback of the psyche to simpler “settings” is understandable: they are reliable and time-tested, and this is important in extreme conditions,” comments Gestalt therapist Dmitry Petrov. – As you know, the division of functions makes the community more efficient and allows you to survive in difficult times.

Therefore, all schooling mammals have an individual that takes on the function of leadership. And throughout the history of mankind, any groups have had leaders – those who take responsibility for making decisions.

Responsibility for oneself is costly, Dmitry Petrov believes. “You need to delve into what is happening, evaluate it critically, form your own position, make a choice, sometimes very difficult. Therefore, it is easier to follow someone who will make a decision and tell you where to go.

Even supporters of the liberal economic school believe that during periods of crisis (epidemics, natural disasters, wars, economic upheavals), it is the state that should take on the function of a conductor, subordinating everyone and everything to the goals of overcoming the crisis and survival. And this is quite logical – the overall well-being depends on coordinated actions.

But if by definition there are leaders in any flock and group, be it a family or an entire country, then where do their powers end and the zone of personal responsibility of each begins? What can an ordinary member of the group expect?

“The expectations and demands placed on a leader depend on the level of personal responsibility and self-awareness of each member of the community,” the psychologist continues. – Somewhere the leader (authority) only coordinates the overall efforts, reporting to the group. And then such a leader is expected to rationally and effectively coordinate the efforts of completely independent and responsible members of society. Such an approach, of course, forces one to be in an intellectual tone and critically comprehend what is happening, but it takes into account the interests of all members of society.”

Fusion of mother and baby

There are “packs” that place many, if not all, expectations on the leader. They want him to be both an ideologist, and a judge, and a protector, and a breadwinner, and an intercessor, the Gestalt therapist believes. “Well, neither give nor take my father. Here, the communication between the authorities and society looks like this: we will be obedient, and you feed us and think for us. But only if we like it.

This, in my opinion, is a dependent and infantile position. In the Gestalt therapeutic approach, there is such a term – fusion. This is a state where my personal boundaries seem to dissolve. Where are my needs, and where are yours, where is my responsibility, and where is yours, it is impossible to determine, we seem to have become one. The most obvious example of such a merger is the relationship between mother and baby.

The baby is not only unable to take care of himself, but is not even aware of his needs, explains the psychologist. Their mother recognizes them. The child is dependent on her and can only wait or scream indignantly when something goes wrong. Lovers are in a state of merging, especially at first.

But even from such a wonderful symbiosis, you need to periodically get out, otherwise you can completely lose yourself, Dmitry Petrov is convinced. “And to be in merger with the state, to wait for everything to be decided for you, to guide you, anticipate your desires and take care of you as if you were your own, is rather naive for an adult.”

For the obvious benefit (not to be responsible for anything and consider yourself entitled to be indignant) you have to pay dearly – with unsecured and unfulfilled needs, a life that has passed by or “underlived”.

Author of my life

But if both parties are happy with it, why refuse such an unspoken contract? “The thing is that responsibility and rights are inseparable – this is how a healthy society works,” explains Dmitry Petrov. Therefore, by refusing personal responsibility for ourselves, we give up the reins of control of our lives.

We cease to control what is happening and become objects, consumables in someone’s projects. We cease to be the authors of our lives. The trouble is that if the authorities fail to cope with their functions or, worse, start to hack and cheat, we will not be able to change anything – we will no longer have leverage.”

What is needed in order to make your life full and interesting, to regain the authorship of your life? First, to recognize our own responsibility for what is happening (as well as not happening) with us. Secondly, practice mindfulness – a clear look at yourself and what is happening around you.

To do this, we can ask ourselves simple questions:

• What is the essence of what is happening around?
• How do I feel about it?
• What is my role in what is happening?
• Does everything suit me?
• What would I like to change?
• What can I change?
• What am I doing for this?
• How do I stop myself from realizing the accessible?

In a viral pandemic, unpredictability and uncertainty objectively cause stress. Therefore, it is important for us to take care of our psychological health ourselves. What can be done here?

“Active participation in the situation returns a sense of influence. Do everything that you can reach, – recommends Dmitry Petrov. While in isolation, structure your daily life. Determine the time to wake up and go to bed. Make a list of everyday household chores. Make a simple menu for a few days and cook food in accordance with it.

It is important that these are some simple things. But they must be fulfilled – this is important! Structuring time and completing the planned return to us a sense of control, make us more stable psychologically.