Children, especially teenagers, often hide their feelings. The accumulated emotions are manifested in disobedience, screaming, sleep disturbances or lack of appetite. Parents do not always manage to find an approach and understand what is happening in their souls. How to pick up the key to children and do no harm, says psychologist Erin Leonard.
Being around a child is about more than cooking, cheering at competitions, and making birthday presents. It means supporting children when they are excited, offended, angry, confused or embarrassed. They often hide emotions, especially during adolescence. How to get through to them?
It is often difficult for a child to verbally convey resentment, shame, confusion or anger. Instead, he gives free rein to his feelings, breaks down on his parents, brothers and sisters, is impudent, leaves affection, insists that everything is in order, buried in the phone screen. There are serious signs that everything is far from okay: drowsiness or trouble falling asleep, a constant lack of appetite, an unwillingness to go to school and a refusal to do what you used to like. In this case, the advice of a specialist may be useful.
But the right approach is not everything. Parents can help to cope with problems, even if it seems that the children have fenced themselves off with a blank wall. The first step to dialogue is to enter into their position. If a child gets angry, slams doors, snaps, or yells, and not because they are forced to do a promise or follow the rules, something clearly happened.
Do not rush to rein in, first try to catch the mood, and then correct the behavior. For example: “I can see you are excited. Apparently, there is a reason, and I would like to know what the matter is, but why throw the jacket on the floor? Pick it up, please, and let’s talk.»
When children are heard, they feel less alone, closer to their parents
When a child sees that his parents are not indifferent to his experiences, he feels that he is understood and is aware of his own state. Children who recognize their emotions are better able to express them with words rather than actions.
Sometimes a child overreacts to a normal situation. For example, a ten-year-old girl is crying hysterically because she cannot find a T-shirt. The first impulse of the parent is to help with the search or read the notation that the room should be in order. But first of all, it is necessary to determine the condition of the daughter. After that, she will be able to become aware of her feelings and talk about them. «I can’t find this t-shirt and I need it because kids make fun of other t-shirts.» Now something has become clear and there is something to think about.
After the daughter expressed that she was eating, parents should refrain from moralizing and just sympathize. “So embarrassing. It hurts a lot when they make fun of you. I would be hurt too and would like to wear a better T-shirt. Oh, there she is! When children are heard, they feel less alone, closer to their parents, it is easier for them to open up and talk about troubles. A child who is understood is more likely to accept suggestions, support, and advice.
Let’s take another case: on Monday, before school, the child is naughty because of pain in the abdomen. He could really get sick, or it’s a psychosomatic symptom. Perhaps something is bothering him, but since he does not know how to explain it, the excitement manifests itself in this form. If the parent can understand the reasons and respond with empathy, the child will also understand what is happening to him and agree to talk about it.
A nine-year-old boy complains to his mother that his stomach hurts terribly. Mom finds no signs of illness and assumes that he is slightly disturbed. She says softly, “Monday is a hard day. I also have strange sensations in my stomach. The son sees her participation, he is no longer so uncomfortable, and asks: “What, does your stomach ache on Mondays too?” The mother replies: “Yes, honey. Many do. After the weekend, it can be difficult to turn on.” The boy realizes that he is not alone, tension and fear are released. He hugs his mother and runs to the bus stop.
The next example is about frustration. The teenager was not accepted into the basketball team. He is silent on the way home and refuses to answer questions. The father deliberately avoids common phrases like “well, don’t give a damn” or “train more” and tries to feel the feelings of his son. «Are you disappointed? I wouldn’t feel comfortable either.» Suddenly, the son realizes that they want to understand him, it becomes easier for him, and he is ready for a confidential dialogue.
When a child is facing difficulties, it is important to capture his emotional state.
A little later, he comes up and says that he is weaker and shorter than all his peers. The father sincerely sympathizes: it is difficult to admit that you lack strength and dexterity. He shares a story about his disappointment, how he was not picked up to wrestle at 11 years old. The son is no longer so sad, the father, who experienced something similar, immediately becomes closer.
The described approach changes a lot, but parents are afraid that the child’s feelings can be recognized incorrectly. Nevertheless, even if we made a mistake, the child has an additional incentive to understand himself. He may answer: “No, not that. I’m not angry, I’m just sad.» He’s trying to figure out what’s going on. Thinking about your feelings is a serious task, even if the parents were wrong, the result is usually successful. In the process of reflection, children learn to distinguish emotions and come to self-awareness.
When a child encounters difficulties, it is important to capture his emotional state and delicately find out what is going on in his soul in order to help him know himself. When you get to understand what’s going on, it’s easier to talk about experiences, rather than act in the heat of the moment. Parents also manage to find the right words if they know what happened. Letting go of childhood feelings is the best way to show your son or daughter that they are loved, cared for, ready to help them cope with troubles and keep everything a secret. Moreover, children will grow up to be balanced people, able to recognize their own strengths and weaknesses.
Source: psychologytoday.com