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We love them very much and are very worried about their future. We spend a lot of effort and money to give them every chance in a difficult adult world. But aren’t our expectations and fears too heavy on their shoulders? How can we help them without turning children into hostages of our worries?
Teachers, school psychologists, family therapists state that our children feel the stress associated with school success earlier and more and more. Not just to study, but also to attend electives, to perform every task perfectly — our children live in constant tension.
Parents are aware of this: 31% of them believe that the school provokes stress in the child, 52% say that they themselves experience stress because of his school grades. This is indirectly confirmed by the huge demand for additional classes (private lessons) in a variety of subjects.
“Successful schoolchildren react most acutely to stress,” says psychologist, professor at Moscow State University Andrey Podolsky. — We conducted a study among students of 7th, 9th and 11th grades of a general education school and a gymnasium with in-depth study of several subjects and found out that the 11th grade gymnasium students experienced the most difficult emotional state. Despite being well prepared, they were in constant fear of failing to meet the expectations of adults.”
On the one hand, the demands of the parents, on the other, the school grading system, which puts pressure on self-esteem and encourages the child to engage in exhausting rivalry. Many parents are fascinated by formal indicators of success, and they begin to «cheer» for their child, as if he were running a race. And then the fear of failure, the tension does not leave him at home.
weighty fears
Unceremoniously interfering in the personal space of the child, tightly controlling his every step, forcing, threatening, bribing or punishing him — in a word, as best they can, parents put pressure on their children.
“Many people are sure that if you point out to a child his shortcomings and shortcomings, then he will strive to correct them,” says school psychologist Natalia Evsikova. “But it turns out differently: children increasingly doubt their abilities, feel guilty and very quickly cease to trust themselves.”
But why do we often behave this way?
“Hard (pressing) behavior reflects, first of all, the parents’ own fears and anxieties, the fear that they will not have enough time, strength and abilities for education,” says the psychologist. — Adults are not sure what will happen tomorrow (with their work, family and country), and therefore they are trying for the future today. And they cease to be an ally of the child, and become those who need to be reassured or who need to please.
Being demanding means constantly encouraging him to move forward, taking into account both strengths and weaknesses of character.
Children react to such a situation in different ways, depending on the nature and type of the nervous system.
“Some protest, become aggressive,” continues Natalya Evsikova. — They can completely abandon their studies: why be zealous if they are always dissatisfied anyway? Others, on the contrary, try their best. But they are quickly exhausted, become touchy or capricious, sometimes they start to get sick a lot.
How to avoid this, to remain firm and consistent without destroying the child’s personality?
“First of all, you need to distinguish between oppressive behavior and demanding behavior,” explains Natalya Evsikova. “And for this, parents need to understand how they feel when they communicate with a child.” Irritation, anger, annoyance or resentment cause an instant (defensive) reaction — that is, we put pressure on the child, seeking from him unquestioning compliance with our rules and prohibitions.
“Demanding arises with a clear understanding of priorities,” continues Natalia Evsikova. — And then the main thing for us is not grades, but the curiosity and activity of the child. Being demanding means constantly encouraging him to move forward, taking into account both strengths and weaknesses of character. Watch his development, support and protect him when he needs it, and rejoice with him when he acquires new knowledge and skills.
Interview with Sergey Kazarnovsky
Sergei Kazarnovsky is the director of the famous Moscow school «Class Center» (www.klass-center.ru), where, in addition to ordinary subjects, they study music and put on performances. The motto of the school is «Not only to know, but also to feel.»
«Raising a child without detracting from his dignity»
This is especially important, teacher Sergey Kazarnovsky believes, because upbringing and education are always connected to a certain extent with coercion.
Psychologies: What causes parents to put pressure on their children?
Sergei Kazarnovsky: Feeling of uncertainty: school programs and rules are constantly changing, parents and children now and then have to rebuild, adapt to new requirements. It is not clear how the child will study, what the final exams will be, what the entrance exams will be. Everything can change at any time, including during the school year.
In addition, we in Russia have a special attitude towards education. Europeans understand that this process continues throughout life. And it seems to us that it ends with the receipt of a certificate, a diploma. Therefore, the price of these «crusts» is completely different. And for parents, and for children, and for teachers.
What is the difference between demand and pressure?
S.K.: With respect to self-esteem. Parents have it, and it should not be lost. The child has it, and this must be remembered, protected. When we put pressure on a child, we humiliate his dignity.
The only way to constructively communicate with a child is to respect him, to his dignity. Realizing at the same time that the process of education and training is always to some extent connected with coercion. The question is how to educate without detracting from the dignity of your child — you must ask yourself constantly.
How can parents understand that they are doing something that is not something that it is time to stop?
S.K.: You can’t be excessive. The referee in boxing determines the state of the groggy by the eyes. The boxer may not even fall, but he «floated», and the referee sees it. We must see by the child whether he “floated”. Since there is no single correct answer for all situations, parental intuition must be attuned to the child. This is the only way to feel the moment when it’s time to stop.
Should I help him with his homework?
S.K.: Certainly. But only if the parents are interested in communicating with the child. Then homework is another great occasion for communication, an opportunity to keep in touch with him. So the child will learn what he was told in the lesson, and will also learn something from his parents, get something from them. And this is very good — this is the process of common life.
How about ratings?
Calmly, realizing that the three marks — «three», «four» and «five» — that we have do not reflect the abilities of the child. For one, 10 mistakes is a failure. And for another, making only 10 mistakes instead of the previous 20 is an incredible success. But they get the same score.
Is this fair? Of course not. In reality, people are not divided into “good students”, “excellent students” and “three students” — and over time, life will show who is really worth what.
When should you be demanding?
S.K.: When our requirements are clear, reasonable and known to the child in advance. When a mutual agreement is established. Then it is possible and necessary to demand that the agreements be respected, and not from case to case, but always.
I’ll tell you a story. As part of the Peace child project, I staged a play in America with the participation of children from different countries. A children’s camp was arranged: food, a forest lake, rehearsals. Arriving there, each child signed an obligation, and there was a clause that he would not drink, smoke and have sex.
The teenagers were 14 years old, so by law they can’t drink and smoke anyway. But they put their signature, that is, they took responsibility, agreed that it was within their power, they pledged not to do this. Otherwise, they should be excluded from the project.
A few days later one of our boys was seen smoking. But he promised not to! The director of the camp called me and said that I should send him to Moscow. It was 1989… How? For what money?! I tried to explain that this is impossible. And he replied that the law must be enforced in any case.
In general, together we came up with a text in which we explained the situation to all the children — they wrote that this boy could not leave, but he would live separately and would be suspended from participating in rehearsals. This is how responsibility is brought up — when your word means something.
Is it possible to imagine a portrait of ideal parents?
If we assume that ideal parents exist, they can be such adults who live with the child, love him, look at the world together with him and think, do together something that they themselves are interested in, because when a person does something what he likes, then those who are nearby also want to participate in this. And at the same time, these adults do not impose their ideas or rules on him.
The she-wolf teaches her cub: «Bite like me.» But when a man teaches his child, «Think like me,» that is a crime. And they don’t lie either. Because children immediately feel it, you can’t fake it with them. We are gods for children. Do you remember the words of the Strugatskys: «It’s hard to be a god»? * About what is good and what is bad, children will learn from us for the first time. And for everything that we say, we are responsible to them.
* A. and B. Strugatsky «It’s hard to be a god» (Pan press, 2009).