Let’s stop blaming each other!

Psychologies: Why do we so often make our partner feel guilty in intimate relationships?

Anna Varga: People unite to make life easier and more pleasant for them, in particular, to satisfy their psychological needs in relationships – for love, care, security … up to the most unexpected ones. If these needs are not met in communication with a loved one, anxiety and stress increase. Then we unconsciously try to subjugate our partner: it seems that this way we can get all this. There are many ways to subjugate a loved one, in particular with the help of guilt.

Robert Neuburger: In the past, shame was an equally powerful mechanism: one could “shame” another or “shame” a family. The social environment – parents, neighbors, community – was very attentive to the family and had huge resources of influence … Remember, for example, how thirty or forty years ago they looked at an unfaithful wife!

That right of judgment, which Western society then enjoyed, has now disappeared. On the contrary, today we tend to think that going to the side is a private matter for spouses. Sins – the same betrayal – now do not belong either to the competence of the law, or to the sphere of responsibility of society; relationships are regulated through dialogue in pairs.

But is it possible to live together without causing this feeling in a partner?

A.V.: Close relationships differ from distant ones in that in them we experience the whole range of feelings, including guilt. But in a successful union, none of the partners makes the other feel guilty on purpose, in order to make it easier to control him. The dialogue of the spouses in this case is devoted to solving a specific problem – “what to do?”.

If the spouses are psychologically competent negotiators, then they know that the conversation should not only contain accusations, but also the so-called “you-messages”, that is, phrases that begin with the pronoun “you”. Wanting to solve a problem, we use “I-messages”: we talk about our impressions and feelings and offer solutions. And again, not “You do this and that”, but “I am ready to do this and that”.

R. N .: Many couples get along just fine, feeling (to varying degrees) guilty or blaming their spouse. But things escalate when problems arise. Psychologists tirelessly repeat: “We need to talk to each other,” but the dialogue often comes down to expressing complaints to each other. As a result, it begins to be perceived as a stream of reproaches and attempts to relieve oneself of responsibility for the crisis in relations.

How does guilt arise?

A.V.: We are easily infected by the emotions of another person, especially a close one. When a dialogue in a couple is built around the question “who is to blame?”, It does not help solve the problem, although it allows you to get rid of unpleasant feelings – anger, resentment, annoyance, guilt, throwing them to your spouse like a hot potato.

Another option is a silent demonstration of suffering and resentment. The “sufferer” does not explain anything, refuses to dialogue. Suppose a husband wants to meet friends, drink beer, but his wife is unpleasant. You can ask directly and honestly: “Don’t leave, stay with me.” The husband either stays or he doesn’t. And you can not ask, shut up, cry and suffer for several days. Great manipulators cry and meekly say this: “Pay no attention to me, go have fun …”

R. N .: I would single out three ways in which we provoke feelings of guilt. The most famous is inspired by the figure of the father and is born from the oedipal complex: “I want to eliminate the pope in order to take possession of the mother, but I have no right to do so.” This is a way to induce guilt through law, custom, rules. If the partner does not comply with them, he will be punished by the highest authority: the court, morality, school, religion …

Another method has become the subject of many jokes on the topic of the “Jewish mother”, who is “guilty” with threats to fall out of love and a reminder of the sacrifices she made. But it must be borne in mind that the “fatherly” way is inherent not only in men, and the “motherly” way is not exclusively female. Some women who have been brought up in the “fatherly” way will be very successful in applying it to their husband.

And finally, the “brotherly” way. It is assimilated later, when the child reaches five or six years old – the age when he has an idea of ​​​​the team. Guilt arises when we are reproached for our lack of camaraderie and loyalty.

What determines the choice of one of the strategies?

R. N .: It is highly likely that we will do the same as they did to us in childhood. For example, we could feel a strong sense of guilt when our mother scolded us, promising to stop loving us. As adults, we are more likely to use this weapon in relation to others, although we ourselves will never be able to come to terms with such an attitude towards ourselves – because it returns us to the position of a guilty child.

How does “guilty” feel?

A.V.: Often, anger, irritation – aggression towards the one who caused his experiences, and the fear that they will not forgive you, they will leave – in a word, the fear of loneliness. Trying to “free himself” from these feelings, he makes concessions.

R. N .: The feeling of guilt is very dangerous, and above all for self-awareness: at this moment, we seem to lose our status as an adult and find ourselves in the position of a child with whom parents are unhappy. For the same reason, it harms sexual life: it is difficult to receive and give pleasure if you do not feel like an adult.

Why do we need the other to feel guilty?

R. N .: Our desire to make another feel that way does not necessarily mean that we are truly suffering from what we blame him for. Out of modesty, out of fear of revealing too much or touching on a painful topic, we hush up the true essence of the reproach. Say “Why didn’t you put your socks away?” less risky than saying “Do you still love me?”

One of the main reasons people turn to psychotherapists is because they can’t break out of a vicious cycle of blaming others and feeling guilty that undermine their marriage.

For example, such an exchange of remarks is possible: “You need to take care of yourself and eat less fat – you get fat.” “You think you can help me by making me feel guilty? If I eat a lot, it’s because I feel bad…” (meaning “…because of you”).

The couple finds themselves in a stalemate because any word is now interpreted as an attempt at reproach. “Pass me the salt” immediately reads “Do you think I undersalted the soup?” But both salt and soup have little bearing on the core of the problem.

A.V.: The need to cause guilt in a partner is a characteristic of the prevailing style of interaction in a couple. For example, in the struggle for power and control, the spouse’s guilt becomes a weapon for the other.

How to break out of this circle?

A.V.: Observation helps: how does the interaction take place? What does the partner do, what does he say, what does he feel? And what’s happening to me? Then you can sit down and talk to solve the main question: “What can we do instead of making each other feel guilty?”

R. N .: You need to see how the other acts, and not succumb to his provocations. After all, both he and I have this unconscious mechanism. Then we need to figure out if we ourselves tend to inspire another feeling of guilt, and ask ourselves if it is possible to act differently. It is important to break out of the automaticity of mutual reproaches, to realize when we react “automatically”. This is already a huge step forward. And then – learn to treat life with humor.