Contents
Overwhelmed by emotions, we are sometimes afraid of the power they take over us. It seems impossible to control them, to resist them. However, we can learn to use them as tools to improve our relationship with the world. And don’t be afraid of them anymore!
Basic Ideas
- We have three fundamental needs: security, identity, and the search for meaning.
- If they are threatened, the brain kicks into “emotion” mode, and fear, anger, or sadness ensues.
- We reproduce our childhood emotions, it is from them that our first reactions come, but we can learn to react in a more balanced way.
Recognizing ourselves as a victim of emotions, we are often afraid that we cannot cope with them, we find ourselves in their captivity. We feel that they can prevent us from acting or making the right decision by depriving us of our common sense. Even worse, we begin to blame ourselves: “How stupid to get upset over such a trifle!”, “I am ashamed that I am afraid of such nonsense!”, “How can you be so annoyed over such a trifle ?!”
“We treat our own emotions as an invader that we cannot cope with and which prevents us from fulfilling our desire for peace of mind,” notes Sylvie Alexander, a specialist in psycho-body practices. Meanwhile, our emotions are not bad at all. As, however, and not good. They are just helpful. They represent the information that our reptilian brain supplies. This most ancient part of the brain has only one elementary function: to warn us of danger.
“Crocodile” wishing us well
The reptilian brain, the “crocodile,” as psychotherapist Catherine Emle-Perisol jokingly calls it, functions according to a binary model. There are only two possibilities for him: safety or danger. As soon as any, even an insignificant, threat appears, he immediately switches to the “emotion” mode.
What dangers can really threaten us? Those that affect our three existential needs: security, self-identification and the search for the meaning of life. Because we are mortal, we need to feel that our lives are not in danger. Since we live in society, we need to know who we are in relation to others. And, since we are thinking beings, it is important for us that our stay on this earth be endowed with meaning.
As soon as one of these fundamental needs is touched, our “crocodile” immediately sends us an emotion that should warn of danger and force us to act.
First, fear requires us to be safe. If we don’t respond, anger kicks in, pushing us to stand up for our individuality to others. If that’s not enough, sadness takes over, tempting us to be alone so we can ask ourselves questions about the meaning of life.
Based on these three primary, “primitive” emotions, a whole gamut of sensations unfolds: we can feel fear as a lump in the stomach and we can experience an acute panic attack. The manifestation of anger ranges from irritation to an outburst of cruelty, while sadness ranges from a listless blues to depression.
It is worth emphasizing once again that the words “fear”, “anger” or “sadness” should not be taken in a negative sense. Our “crocodile” has only one task – to ensure our survival, so these are primarily saving emotions. They serve as alarms that allow you to respond to a critical situation in two ways: static or dynamic. They either lead to a stupor or push to action. We either idle scroll through our experiences (locking in on our feelings), or we act chaotically (with increased activity). In any case, these emotions do not help us advance either in understanding or in expressing what we are experiencing.
Relaxation exercise
The Psychologies editor took part in an emotion management training and shared her impressions of how she did one of the exercises. You can do it too.
“The task was the following: “Before you is a drawing. Your task is to reproduce this image four times, each time rotating it a quarter of a turn, that is, 90 °. In doing so, you must not rotate either the sheet of paper on which you draw, or the sample.
So much for you… At first, I was seized by a panic: spatial geometry has been a complete nightmare for me since my school days. Then I want to put my pencil on the table and protest: I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Then anxiety grows in me: if everyone does this, but I don’t, then what will they say about me? Will I be kicked out of the group? Finally, I watch other people do it and think: Am I really that dumb?
Unwinding the tangle of emotions seething in me, I understand that behind all of them is my old fear – the fear of a little girl who was constantly told: “It’s a pity, a pity … Well, what do you want! You have no ability, there’s nothing you can do … “
I also understand that my reactions – the desire to run away, anger and fear of rejection – stem from the defenses that a ten-year-old child then found for himself. Maybe now a thirty-year-old woman will still be able to find other ways out of the situation? For example, try to perform this nasty exercise without attaching too much importance to it. Of course, I can not boast that I coped with it brilliantly. But, looking at the corrections, I feel proud that I managed to draw something and, most importantly, understand a lot … “
Reactions from childhood
The study of this emotional chain, described by the French neuroscientist Henri Laborie in his work on stress1, was continued by the psychotherapist Catherine Emle-Perisol together with the body practitioner Sylvie Alexander.
It turned out that the way in which we reacted in a situation of danger in childhood was imprinted deep in our minds. Since then, this mode of reaction is instantly activated as soon as a danger of the same kind arises. One intonation, gesture, word, and even smell is enough to evoke the emotion that is associated with such a danger.
If you were humiliated by a teacher at school and you found an outlet for your emotions by kicking open the classroom door, don’t be surprised if today you are frantically punching the coffee machine after hearing a remark from your boss.
However, there are other ways of reacting that are not so closely related to previous experience: we can leave this path, drawn and fixed in the past, in order to pave another, not so primitive or more adapted to a new, specific situation – in any case, we will feel more free.
Pendulum of feelings
When we feel threatened, our responses can range from a paralyzing withdrawal into our experiences to an active survival defense response – the choice will depend on individual experience.
Get rid of blocks
Learning to express your feelings in a different way is quite real. Catherine Emle-Perisol and Sylvie Alexander developed a set of special exercises, including physical ones, that help find other ways for emotions.
“We can learn to relax, listen to our intuition, open up,” they explain. “Our nervous system loves habits, because meeting the unknown is always dangerous. To remove the internal blocks, you need to take the brain by surprise. That’s what the exercises are for.”
The most important thing is not the result, but the lesson that we learn by doing these exercises: yes, we can get away from reflex emotions generated by the past and pressing on us in the present. All you have to do is ask yourself the right question, because “emotion is an orphan answer that has lost its question,” according to the beautiful formula proposed by rabbi and philosopher Marc-Alain Waknin.
“We need to search, as if we are conducting an investigation, asking ourselves what question causes us to develop a certain behavioral response dictated by habit,” suggest Catherine Emle-Perisol and Sylvie Alexander.
Why do I react in this way? How else can I react? If I realize that my boss is not my high school teacher, reminding myself that I am no longer eight years old and that I now have a whole host of responses at my disposal that are much more effective than breaking a coffee machine, then maybe I will learn express their feelings differently, without anger and violence. That’s a good start, isn’t it?
1 H. Laborit. The New Grid. Gallimard, 1985