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The child is ready to spend all his time with friends, but with age, the connection is lost and there is a risk of being left alone. We tell how an adult can get close to people and look for friends outside the school bench
The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle said: “Friendship is content with the possible, without demanding what is due.” In his doctrine of ethics, he singled out three types of friendship: friendship for benefit, for pleasure, and virtuous friendship. The philosopher valued the latter especially highly, since it is built on mutual diligence and improvement – in these relationships, it is human qualities that stimulate people to communicate and maintain affection.
In modern times, friendship is also an important part of human life. However, the dynamics of friendships is changing with the development of technology and social changes: friendship is being digitalized and built according to new ethical canons.
Why friendship is important
Friendship is often devalued compared to romantic or family relationships. However, there is no doubt about the positive impact of friendship on a person in different areas of life.
According to studies, people with strong social ties are halved the risk of premature death from any cause.
Friends help mutually develop good habits, change lifestyles, and deal with stress.
In addition to physical health, friendships have a beneficial effect on the mental state. Some research has shown that happiness can be “contagious” and spread among a friendly group. So, teenagers who had happy friends were twice as likely to suffer from depression.
Also, if family relationships develop within the framework of traditions, and romantic partnerships develop under agreements and conditions, then friendship is more informal, since it is not conditioned by any additional factors. In friendship, a person receives the selfless approval that he needs.
Svetlana Mardoyan, psychotherapist, existential analyst:
“The existential philosopher Martin Buber wrote: “Human life and the personality itself exists and develops as a “coexistence” with other people.” Buber believed that a person is unique because of his ability to conduct a dialogue with another, this is his essence. It is important for a person to communicate with those with whom he has many common values, a close worldview, which means mutually pleasant communication is possible.
It is impossible not to mention that friendship has become more valued during the pandemic, when many have found themselves in isolation without the opportunity to see friends. The pandemic has led to a greater impact of technology on communication, for example, dating apps have gained popularity, in which the user can chat with new people around the world.
Why it’s harder to make friends as you get older
In childhood, friendship arises spontaneously. It is often easy for a child with high social intelligence to make friends with peers, because children begin to show interest in each other as early as the age of two years.
However, as we age, friendships become less and less natural. Adults have clearer boundaries, less free time, and, no less important, ideological closeness is more important than emotional closeness. In addition, some find it difficult to shift the dynamics of friendships from childhood to adult. Research shows that people who view friendship as something that happens through luck are more likely to experience loneliness as adults than those who are willing to put in the effort in friendships.
Losing touch with old friends
Do not forget that regular interaction is important for friendship, so school or university is a comfortable environment for its development. Adults, on the other hand, are usually busy with work and family chores, and time for friendly communication must be specially freed.
Psychotherapist Svetlana Mardoyan says that in childhood a person is based more on feelings, and in adulthood, rational aspects are taken into account first of all – a person begins to consider the other more critically. In addition, an adult may have a sense of caution and distrust, which, as a rule, children do not have. In adult life, there are more other tasks, there is a family, work, there is less time left for friendship, Mardoyan emphasizes: with a friend, for a call, for a conversation. If you do not maintain this continuous connection, it is lost, and now there is nothing to talk about with a once bosom friend.
New life circumstances
Adult life often brings a person to new places and new circumstances. A person may find himself far from his hometown, where friends from school and student times remain. Changes in lifestyle also play an important role, for example, the birth of a child can lead young parents, especially mothers, to social isolation.
Around the age of 25, young people often experience a quarter-life crisis, which leads to drastic changes: a change in career industry or a radical change in lifestyle. So, for example, refusal of alcohol can lead to the loss of friends.
Loneliness is also a big problem in old age. Unmarried or widowed older people are often isolated, leading to an increased risk of depression and dementia.
How to find friends
So, we found out that friendship is necessary and important for mental and even physical health. However, adults are often worried and frightened by the prospect of a conscious search for new friends. Loneliness is labeled as something shameful, which is customary to hide, and this can get in the way of communication.
First of all, you need to understand that it is completely normal for an adult to look for friends. And the more energy you are willing to allocate for this, the more likely it is to find people who share the same spirit.
No need to be afraid
The fear of rejection is one of the most powerful human fears. Each of us has a need to be accepted, to feel our involvement in society. It is important to understand that the lack of friends does not indicate any shortcomings at all, but can be triggered by various factors. Therefore, do not let fear stop you from developing, finding new people and creating a community.
Most likely, there are already people in your environment with whom you would like to make friends.
Svetlana Mardoyan:
“It is worth taking a closer look at those who are nearby: at work, among neighbors, acquaintances and friends of your loved ones and relatives. See if there is something about this person that is interesting and that you like. You might want to get to know this person better.
If it stops the fear that you will meet a refusal, then before you go for an acquaintance or rapprochement, admit the worst: they will refuse me, why is it scary? Can I take it? How much will I suffer then? How will my life go on? It is important to remember the meaning, the value for which I take this risk, and tell myself – I am at least trying to do something to find a loved one.
Do what you love
One of the common and convenient ways to find new people is to join an interest club. Many of us are passionate about literature or cinema, and doing it in a company is only more interesting. You can look for book clubs or movie night series in your city, these formats often involve a follow-up discussion of the work and are held in an informal setting, such as a cafe or bar.
Interest clubs can also be beneficial, for example, there are now more and more conversation clubs for learning a foreign language, including in an online format. If you and potential friends share a common interest, it is easier to close the distance and find topics for conversation.
Learn
As mentioned above, regular joint activity is a great help for friendship. Educational programs or refresher courses can be an interesting and rewarding way to make new acquaintances. Studying often includes pair and group projects, and working together helps to bond.
Become a volunteer
Similar worldviews and shared values are an essential part of friendships. Often, existing friendships can be weakened by divergent views and too different positions.
You can try volunteering to find people who consider the same things as socially important as you. There are always community organizations in cities that need the help of volunteers: it can be a dog shelter, a charity cat show, hot meals for the homeless, or environmental initiatives. In an environment of like-minded people, it is easy to feel involved and find new people.
Take the first step
In romantic films, a trope is common when two lovers cannot take the first step towards each other and suffer from this. However, this can also happen in friendships.
No need to be afraid to be the first to invite a colleague for coffee or to watch a new movie at the cinema. Also, do not hesitate to offer a person of interest to you to exchange contact information, since in the modern world a fairly tangible part of the interaction takes place on social networks.
Digital Friendship
Speaking of social networks, one cannot fail to mention the impact of technology on friendly interaction. The pandemic has boosted that impact in many ways, with zoom parties, video game sessions and online movie screenings taking place in the midst of the lockdown.
Since the dawn of the Internet, people have tried to meet online, but now there are many popular applications for finding new contacts. Not all of them are dating, many applications are designed specifically for friendship and friendship.
Trends Producer Kira Churakova shared with us her experience of finding friends through the Apt application – it allows people to choose a place or event in the city that they want to visit and find company among those who are also interested in this event:
“I arrived in a new city, and it seemed to me a cool idea to look for like-minded people in this application – to combine business with pleasure. I was sad and lonely, and because of my illness it was very necessary to leave the house more often and communicate with new people. I liked the idea of the application in general. You call a person to an event, and then a conversation starts by itself. Even if there is some awkward pause, you can always just discuss the event you came to.
Of my three attempts, only once did my “app friend” and I actually manage to reach the exhibition that we agreed on. And this was my most successful meeting of the three – the girl was pleasant, friendly, I didn’t have to pull information out of her and try to somehow keep the conversation going myself. And the exhibition turned out to be interesting, we agreed on tastes. We still communicate with the girl, but so far we have not been able to meet again.
Two other meetings were less successful. The young man seemed to take our meeting as a date: we did not get to any exhibition, but just took a walk in minus 20, and then we just sat in a cafe and chatted. Our views on life did not agree – he did not understand what I was doing, and tried to argue with me. After the meeting, we no longer spoke.
However, it turned out that he works in a company with which I had long wanted to establish a working contact. So it cannot be said that the meeting was so useless: he told me how this company lives now, what they produce, with whom they can keep in touch and who their competitors are on the market. It turned out to be quite useful for the job.”
How to keep friendship
The ability to find a common language with new people is necessary, but it is equally important to maintain contacts. If in youth we can spend all our time with friends, then in adulthood it is already more difficult to allocate time for communication.
Psychotherapist Svetlana Mardoyan advises treating friendship as a priority: finding time for friendship is like finding time for rest, for yourself, for a resource, which is necessary for any person.
Sometimes the friendship of two people can develop into friendship with families or a company. Research shows that community friendships are more enduring than individual friendships because they have more common ground.
It is also recommended to introduce common rituals and traditions that will help to communicate regularly. Sharing workouts on Saturdays or board game nights on Sundays will keep you connected and keep your friends from forgetting each other.
Adding conversations with friends to your calendar in the same way as work tasks can also be useful, as it will prevent long breaks in communication.
Do not forget about the importance of live communication. People spend a lot of time texting, but live communication allows you to build a strong emotional connection, discuss exciting topics and strengthen friendships.