You won’t like this article.
You will say that here the father is a tyrant and despot, and the girl is an unfortunate victim, forced to endure the tyranny of adults. In the comments to the article, there are accusations that in such a family a girl will definitely get neuroses, breakdowns, depressions and grow up weak-willed, not used to defending her rights. However, since I have the opportunity to observe this family and I definitely like the parents in this family, I inform you: now, six years after this incident, the girl Tanya has exemplary mental health. Satisfied with herself and life, successful in all respects, a leader by nature, who knows how to defend her borders perfectly if necessary, and at the same time a very friendly person … — we all should have such children. Accordingly, your worries that such a style of upbringing will create any problems and neuroses — these worries turned out to be completely unfounded.
Bottom line: do not rush to swear. Thinking is better than arguing.
And what is the story? Why all the excitement? So…
Dad, passing by the shower, heard a disgruntled daughter: “Well, mom !!!” (Tanya is 15 years old). Opened the door, the question: “What’s going on? Do you, Tanya, have some kind of requirement for your mother? Tanya: «I’m just asking her …» Mom (protecting): «Tanya first turned to me quite normally and asked me to come out.» Dad: «Oh! Tanya, when you get out of the shower, get dressed and come to me. I will ask you to tell in detail what you asked your mother about and how you decided to do it.
The question «What’s going on? Do you have any requirement for your mother? — stopping the daughter’s unacceptable tone and negatively reinforcing this style of communication. The upcoming conversation with dad before it starts, when you need to think about this difficult topic, is already a small punishment.
In addition, there is already training here: the daughter is paid attention to the fact that such intonation is not just sounds, but demanding intonation, and the question contains the task to think about whether it is permissible to talk with mom in the form of demands.
She entered the room: “Sit here, on the bed, and cover yourself with a blanket. You are after the shower. village. «Cover up!» «I do not feel cold!» «Cover yourself, we don’t know how long we’ll have a conversation.»
Talking about a blanket is a concern, but not only a concern. If a person is given orders and he carries them out, he begins to listen and obey better. Plus a hint that the conversation can be long — thus a hint: «If you want to end it quickly, be reasonable.»
Covered up. “Tell me what happened with your mother!” “Mom came to brush her teeth, and I asked her to get out of the shower …” “Here, take your time. Why? What was the reason for this? “I wanted so much …” “Yes, and in connection with what did you have such a desire?” Pause… “Well, just like that…” “Then listen. You offended your mother. When people are friends, they feel good next to each other. I love our mom, and when I’m in the shower and she comes to brush my teeth, I feel good. I’m always happy when my mom is by my side. And when people say — get out of here, this is a manifestation of an unfriendly attitude. This is unpleasant for my mother, and in our family this is simply unacceptable. They close and protect themselves from strangers, but there are no strangers in our family. Yes?». Pause … «Please apologize to your mother!» Sorry — good. «Go to sleep, good night!» — «Goodnight».
This is disassembly. Actually, the study of life — and the negative reinforcement of an unacceptable style of behavior by the fact that a conversation on this topic is difficult.
The next morning they embraced in the usual warm way. Everything is good!
Is dad right?
I think that dad is right here and just great. He spoke to his daughter calmly, he explained his position to her and was ready for discussion. At the same time, he was firm, because he insisted on the obligatory respect for his mother.
As for whether children have a right to their own territory and their own borders, I can share with you my own reflections. Of course, CHILDREN HAVE THE RIGHT TO THEIR BORDERS AND TO PROTECT THEIR BORDERS, the commentators are right here. But then everything is mixed up … People of two categories are very worried about their personal territory and strongly insist on respecting the boundaries next to them — 1) those for whom it is important to emphasize their status and 2) people who are very anxious. See the Personal Space article for more details.
The fact is that the presence of borders does not mean at all that we do not let any of our relatives into our borders, into our personal territory. Why’s that? Enemies are not allowed. And we can let friends and loved ones. Dad and daughter talked about this: “You protect your natural boundaries from strangers and enemies, but is your mother not a stranger and not an enemy to you? We treat our own people friendly and do not close the borders from them.” Yes?
Readers suggested that dad forgot one important thing: it would be more correct to agree on the future that before going into the bathroom, mom should knock on the door and warn her daughter. And, perhaps, it was with this that it was necessary to start a general conversation: at first — what the mother is wrong about, after that — what the daughter is wrong about.
What do you think?
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.