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How to explain the excessive control in relation to the child, the jealousy going off scale in a couple, or the persistent feeling that colleagues cannot be trusted with anything at all? Comments by psychologist Ekaterina Zhornyak.
With kids
All parents control their child’s life in one way or another., however, some care not only about his health and safety – they want to know absolutely everything about him. They dream that his actions, deeds and feelings are transparent and predictable, and they try to prevent any trouble. “But unaccountable anxiety and reasonable foresight are not the same thing,” emphasizes narrative consultant Ekaterina Zhornyak. “It’s one thing to put a helmet and a knee pad on your son and allow him to roller-skate, and another thing to do the same, anxiously run after him, not letting go for a second.” A controlling parenting style does not give parents pleasure, but it allows them to muffle their own fears. “Anxious parents are afraid that something will definitely happen to the child, that he will grow up somehow different, live the wrong life, not noticing that their worries are greatly exaggerated,” explains Ekaterina Zhornyak. – Children (even small ones), feeling the constant anxiety of adults, move away from them, avoiding any, even pleasant, joint activities. Adolescents, on the other hand, prefer to remain silent or make excuses – after all, any of their words (or actions) provoke new parental unrest. But how to understand that control has already crossed all boundaries? “Pay attention, for example, to how we listen to children’s answers to our questions,” says Ekaterina Zhornyak. “Over-controlling” parents hear only the first words: they can’t wait, they interrupt, they ask more in order to quickly orient themselves and direct the child in the right direction. They involuntarily perceive it as an object of their power, with which they can do whatever they want, which can and should be controlled.
What to do?
Return to the past
“Overcontrolling” parents most likely grew up in a family where they were overprotective or neglected. Unsure of themselves, they reproduce the model of relationships with loved ones familiar from childhood. Rethinking your personal history (on your own or with the help of a psychotherapist) will relieve internal tension, help you find an approach to the child and a comfortable distance for everyone in a relationship, make it possible to respect his personal space (physical and emotional) and express your love and care in a new way.
With a partner
Treat your partner like a child and watch their every move, even reminding of the obvious things (order a taxi to the airport, leave a tip in a restaurant). Fulfill all his whims and desires, jealously limit his communication with other people or be cold and adamant … By controlling who is around in various ways, partners want to feel safe and stop (even if for a while) worrying that she / he is not understand, let down, abandon, offend. “A variety of fears can control us,” says Ekaterina Zhornyak. – A woman is often afraid of being rejected, doubts herself, her usefulness, attractiveness, sexuality. Many men have a strong fear of losing their freedom, their masculine identity. These two fears (rejection on the one hand, control on the other) perfectly reinforce each other. A man tries not to concede in anything, defiantly leaves whenever and wherever, on principle he does not do what his wife or girlfriend asks him to do. In response, the woman tightens her control as she becomes even more afraid of being rejected.” As a rule, a couple either exists according to the “dominance-submission” scheme that suits both, or the relationship is maintained at the expense of one partner (“controller”), and the second simply endures as long as there is enough strength. Conflicts often occur in such a pair, and the second partner often has no choice but to leave.
What to do?
take care of yourself
Sincerely believing that we cannot let go of control, otherwise the irreparable will happen (he will forget to take a suit, and the daughter will not be able to participate in the school holiday; she will not leave the house on time and will be late for an important dinner with his business partners), we spend all our energy on another and completely forget about ourselves. It is worth trying to explore your own aspirations and preferences, remember your dreams and desires, take care of your body, maybe work with a psychologist and regain a sense of security – and so rediscover yourself and be able to share your life with others without fear.
With colleagues
“If not me, then who?” – that’s how it feels someone who is used to controlling the entire workflow. It is difficult for him to entrust even insignificant matters to colleagues or subordinates, he carefully double-checks the work done and is calm only when he, with his own hand, puts the last point. In addition, such a person often seeks to control what is not directly related to the case: when colleagues leave work, how long they have lunch, what they talk about. “Such hypercontrol helps to cope with the fear of being imperfect, unnoticed, unappreciated,” says Ekaterina Zhornyak. – At the same time, a person can sincerely believe that his actions are correct, and their consequences are positive. And yet, having to take on so much at some point is tiring and frustrating, and then he has to delegate responsibility. However, it is very difficult to give up the habit of controlling everything, even if we sincerely strive for this. It’s a long way to go and any failure can revive our fears.
What to do?
Learn to trust yourself and others
Delegate responsibility and trust – this will have to be learned. Keeping in mind that the first attempts are likely to end in failure: colleagues can really misunderstand you or not do what they were instructed to do. It is important to decide how you will act if this happens. As a rule, in order to part with your fears, you have to change much more in yourself than it seems. Including starting to feel good about yourself and knowing that failures are possible.
“I hate it when people in the frame cry”
“I rarely encounter censorship, probably because I work in a different field, not where it rages. Censorship is when you don’t say something that you should say. A completely different matter is the ethics of a journalist. It is taught from the first year of any specialized faculty. Future employees of the BBC, for example, pass such a test. The propeller of a falling helicopter is about to hit a person standing on the ground. What to do: shoot or save it? Everyone decides this question for himself. There are no general laws here. It all depends on upbringing, moral standards, professional skills. It is here that the beginning of all my limitations …
Journalistic ethics is a form of self-control that I am not ready to give up. For example, I hate it when people cry in the frame. And I always stop shooting. It happens, however, that I myself cry on the other side of the camera, but that’s another matter. It is very easy to induce tears. For most people, shooting is an emotional experience. And if you ask the mother of a sick child: “What are you most afraid of?” She will start crying. I guarantee you. The question is, is it fair, is it necessary, what goal do we pursue when we organize shooting like this? If a journalist has no other expressive means, it seems to me that the problem lies in his professionalism.
I worked at NTV for ten years, but today we have serious stylistic disagreements with the channel: we have begun to imagine in different ways what is necessary, important, what is acceptable or unacceptable on the air, what I want (can) tell the audience and what the audience wants to see … Therefore, we decided not to burden each other with the need to be together. In this sense, the channel always has the last word: it is the employer. It’s good that I have the right to agree with him or not, that is, to work there or elsewhere.”
Recorded by E.Z.
Pass the tests
- What do you have special control over?