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If you have children, you probably often reproach yourself for mistakes in their upbringing. Your son got an F, you yelled at him and now you regret it. You did not come to your daughter’s school concert and now you are sure that you are a terrible mother. But self-deprecation does not help us become better, it only increases tension and anxiety. Psychologist Maryam Abdullah talks about techniques that will help you find peace and confidence.
The first thing to remember is that harsh self-criticism doesn’t work. Scolding yourself for parental mistakes and blunders, you only get a colossal sense of guilt. This is why it is important to replace criticism with self-compassion, which has three components:
- kindness to yourself. Treat yourself with generosity and understanding;
- awareness of community with others. As you go through life’s trials, remember that others are going through something similar. Do not move away from them, do not isolate yourself in your sufferings;
- awareness. Don’t ignore your pain, but don’t exaggerate it either.
Self-compassion is an important skill that helps in the difficult task of raising children. Parents of children with developmental disabilities are less prone to stress and depression if they have developed this skill. It helps them stay hopeful, stay focused on their goals, and better protect themselves from the negative reactions of others.
Here are three steps that help parents develop this skill.
1. Include time for self-compassion in your daily routine
Are you a parent for the first time? I would venture to suggest that you are completely exhausted. My head is bursting with questions. Why is breastfeeding not as easy as it seems? Am I okay? When can I shower again? At times like these, you need a break for self-compassion.
First, accept your feelings: Yes, you are in pain. Second, acknowledge that others felt the same way when they first became parents. Finally, be kind to yourself. When you take care of a baby, this is simply necessary. Of course, the opportunity to take a break is not always there. If the baby is crying, wait for the moment when you can finally calm him down. Say a few kind words to yourself, put your hand on your chest or wrap your arms around your shoulders. Even if it seems ridiculous, try it.
2. Practice Love and Kindness Meditation
Imagine Monday morning. You are trying to pack up and leave the house to take your child to kindergarten and be in time for a business meeting by nine in the morning. Even a five-minute delay will lead to a delay, but the daughter does not understand this. She wants to put on her own socks and shoes. The girl does everything slowly, you get nervous and yell at her. Later, sitting in a meeting, you beat yourself up about it.
Morning meditation of love and kindness can prevent the situation.
- Think of a loved one who loves you very much. Imagine how he wishes you happiness, prosperity and security. Feel the love emanating from him.
- Send love back to him. You and him are so similar: you both want to be happy.
- Now think of an acquaintance—a person you don’t know very well. You and him are similar: you both want a good life.
- Imagine the entire globe as a small ball. Send warm wishes to all beings who, like you, want to be happy.
Meditation helps parents not to give in to emotions in response to the child’s stress and to empathize more with him.
In 2017, Australian psychologists James Kirby and Sarah Baldwin conducted an experiment involving 60 parents who were divided into two groups. Members of the first group listened to an audio recording and performed a 15-minute love and kindness meditation. Members of the second, control group performed imagination exercises.
Before and after completing the tasks, parents filled out questionnaires that assessed their level of self-compassion and emotional responses to common situations: for example, if a child cries in a supermarket and demands to buy him a lollipop.
The results showed that parents in the meditation group showed higher levels of self-compassion. They were more calm and empathetic, less angry and upset than the control group. Scientists suggest that such meditation helps parents not to succumb to emotions in response to the stress of the child and to empathize more with him.
3. When you need support, introduce someone important to you.
What could be worse than a child’s tantrum on an airplane? The child cries because he is tired of sitting still for several hours in a row, other passengers look at you with condemnation. You are close to despair. Try imagining a close friend, parent, or partner who is always there for you.
In 2015, a group of psychologists led by Christopher Pepping conducted a study. The experimenters randomly divided first-year students into two groups. Students in the control group were asked to reflect on interpersonal skills. Members of the second group were asked to imagine a loved one, on whose help they can always rely. This helped the students in the second group to demonstrate a higher level of empathy.
The capacity for self-compassion is often conditioned by relationships with parents.
Faced with problems in raising children, I often remember the voice of my mother and the affectionate words that she calls me. Her presence in my imagination helps me persevere in a difficult situation, even if she is not physically around.
The capacity for empathy is often conditioned by relationships with parents. In a study by Christopher Pepping, students who had cold and reserved parents were more anxious and showed lower levels of self-compassion. But if your childhood was like that, it’s never too late to develop the necessary skill. In the midst of a bout of self-criticism, put your arm around your shoulders and talk like a close friend in a difficult situation.
About the Developer
Maryam Abdullah psychologist, specialist in developmental psychology.