In communicating with a child, the most important thing is those little things that we often forget about. Here are some tips to help relieve stress, fill your relationship with your child with warmth and strengthen his self-esteem.
The more time you spend with children, the more clearly you understand how important, it would seem, the little things in communicating with them. Here are some tips to help relieve stress, fill your relationship with your child with warmth and strengthen his self-esteem.
“I love watching you…”
In one scientific study*, adult athletes were asked to remember what words their parents said most enhanced their self-esteem and helped them enjoy training and competition. The majority turned out to be unanimous: the phrase “I love to watch you play” said by one of the parents most of all pleased them and gave them strength. Not criticism, not instructions and advice, not even praise – children just want to hear that their parents love to watch them do something. In the life of a child, there are already enough stresses – teachers, coaches, peers “press” and children themselves are often strict and picky without measure. The child literally begins to glow with happiness and put in twice as much effort if we do not shackle him with criticism or praise, but simply let him feel our love – without any conditions.
By the way, this magic phrase is important not only for children. Imagine that you are dancing and your husband / wife or boyfriend / girlfriend says: “You are a great dancer!” or “I love to watch you dance” (sing, play the guitar, draw). Isn’t it true that when someone tells us that they love to watch us do something, we feel more confident and free, not afraid to make a mistake? We don’t need to be a genius – just dance for fun. These words lift the burden from the soul, and yet even praise spoken with good intentions sometimes makes us stop – it seems to us that we are about to be judged for not meeting “high standards”.
* thepostgame.com/blog/more-family-fun/201202/what-makes-nightmare-sports-parent
“Egg of Love”
American psychologist Lawrence J. Cohen, in his book Playful Parenting*, tells the story of a mother who just had her third child. The older children felt left out – they did not want to let go of their mother a single step, jealous and angry that the new baby “stole” their mother’s time from them. Then she came up with an ingenious game.
Every morning she took the children one by one into her lap and said that now she would “fill them with mother’s love to the brim.” She started with her fingers, kissing them one by one, working her way up her body and ending with a kiss on top of her head. And at the end she would “break an egg”, giving a little more mother’s love, gently tapping her fingertips on the top of the child and running her fingers through her hair, pretending to break an egg. Both older children loved this game and asked to “break an egg” every day. This five-minute game helped them play alone or with each other while mom was busy with the newborn, and gradually they began to show more love and care for the smallest member of the family, instead of being jealous. This trick can be used in different cases, for example, when you need to leave home and the baby is worried about how he will be left without you, or he is very tired and he needs a little more warmth and hugs.
* amazon.com/gp/product/0345442865/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=acoj-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0345442865
Smile for a child
Nobel laureate Toni Morrison said in an interview with Oprah Winfrey: “When my children entered the room, I looked around them, only to check that the buttons were buttoned, that the socks were on and that the hair was combed. For some reason, we are sure that children feel our parental love, because we take care of them. Not really. When we look at them like this, they see a judgmental, critical face.”
Babies notice everything, so try doing it the other way around – let the first thing your child sees when they approach you is your face light up with a smile and your eyes start to glow because he’s there. “Even if I have a lot of work to do or I am unwell, tired, I always smile broadly when my little son enters the room,” says Maria, the mother of five-year-old Anton. “I want him to always be 100% sure that I am glad that I have him.”
Read more:
- If the child is the only one
Home is a safe haven
When babies are hugged by their parents, their heart rate slows almost immediately* – maternal and paternal love soothes and warms, gives a sense of security. It is usually surprising for new parents to hear this – “My God, because I am the most ordinary person, well, what can I do?” But for the baby, curled up in our arms, we are the center of the Universe, the personification of all the best and real.
One of the most stressful moments for moms and dads is watching a child go to school. The heart shrinks at the thought that children at school will not only have interesting studies and fun games with friends – there will be days when they feel lonely, misunderstood, sad. Yes, these feelings are also important and help to grow as a whole person, but you really want to protect your children from emotional wounds.
Journalist Jenny Rosenstrach** didn’t know how to help her XNUMX-year-old daughter get through a tough time at school—friends, foes, first love. Then she did what any self-respecting adult woman does – she called her mother. And that’s what happened.
“She told me what I myself knew: as much as I wanted to interfere, I should not do it – not this time, not next, never. It’s time to let the kids figure it out for themselves. But in a passionate tone that I imagined my mother reserved for her most unruly clients (my mother is a lawyer), she gave me one amazing piece of advice: “Make sure that when the girl comes home, she never doubts that the house is – her fortress, the safest and most comfortable place on earth. Here’s what you can do.”
“Our daughter Varya is only six years old, and it’s still hard for her to get used to school,” says Evgenia. – To make her feel confident and comfortable, we slightly changed our evening routine, added several new rituals. We light candles at dinner, we play games on the floor, we climb on the sofa to read books. Both my husband and I began to put her to bed together – instead of just turning off the light, we lie down on the sides of our daughter and talk, sing songs and give tasks (What sound does an owl make? Show me how you swim? Count to 20), daughter loves them very much. And when at six in the morning Varya jumps into our bed and calls: “Mom, mom!”, I open my eyes and smile at her with the widest smile, even if I’m tired and haven’t had enough sleep. Home is a safe haven, and no matter what happens in the outside world, children should always have it that way.
* nytimes.com/2013/04/23/science/picking-up-infants-calms-by-slowing-heart-rates.html?src=recg&_r=1&
** realsimple.com/work-life/life-strategies/jenny-rosenstrach-essay