We may be struggling to save the marriage or hoping we can “start over” with an ex. And after the failure, ask the question: how could he turn the page and move on? Why can’t we? And how could it even happen that that one love turned into a breakup, although it seemed to us that it was forever? Let’s try to figure it out together.
No matter how much time we spent with a partner, parting, as a rule, is painful, scary, unpleasant anyway. It seems to us that a piece has been torn out of our body, that we have lost some important part of ourselves. Why is it so difficult? There are several reasons for this.
Fear of change
Trite, but true: we get used to being in a relationship, get used to a certain way of life, and we are afraid to change something in it. People in general tend to resist change: we don’t like uncertainty too much. And therefore we prefer to maintain the status quo, if only to continue to feel stability and not to guess what awaits us tomorrow.
The power of affection
Attachment theory is based on the idea that social bonds and interactions were once an evolutionary necessity. Without them, we simply would not have survived, and even now, when relationships end, we go into “survival” mode.
Chemical reactions
It is known that when we are in love, the chemistry of the brain changes: it releases substances such as dopamine, adrenaline and norepinephrine. They have different effects: thanks to dopamine, we experience euphoria, and adrenaline and norepinephrine are responsible for an accelerated heartbeat and the desire to do anything to stay close to the object of our love.
Our body “gets hooked” on this effect, therefore, when the feelings go away and these substances stop being released into the blood, we literally feel at the physical level that we have lost something important.
Why breakups are easier for some than others
Have you ever looked at a divorced friend and thought: how did she recover so quickly? Why can’t I “just forget everything and move on”? Why do I still miss and feel sad, even though so much time has passed?
The fact is that relationships give everyone a different experience, which we live in different ways. This means that we need a different amount of time and amount of effort to finally come to our senses.
How to help yourself
There is no single answer, that is, a medicine that could instantly heal love wounds – otherwise its creator would have long been awarded all the main prizes in the world. And yet there are a number of simple ways to alleviate your own condition:
- rely on family and friends
- focus on your health,
- if possible, seek psychological help,
- do something every day that makes you smile,
- get out of the house more often
- please yourself – for example, with your favorite dishes or small gifts,
- stick to morning and evening rituals,
- show gratitude
- Unfollow your ex on social media.
Again, there is no universal remedy: what will help one will be useless for others, and this is normal. Each of us is unique, and you should not compare yourself with others.
The healing process can take not only months, but even years. Your task is to regain self-confidence and take care of your physical and mental health.
You will be surprised, but during this inner journey you can learn a lot about yourself. For example, to understand what helps you and what does not. Develop self-support and self-help mechanisms. Decide what you expect from a potential partner and the next relationship. Learn to be honest with yourself.
Yes, immediately after the breakup, we cannot imagine a future without a partner. It seems that there is nothing ahead, that we are no longer destined to fall in love again – and again be loved by others. But it is not. Everything will definitely be, even if right now it is hard to believe in it. Just give yourself one more chance.