How not to lose heart when hard times come? We asked five questions to the author of the book, which is called Happiness in Hard Times, psychologist Andrew Matthews. And this is what he replied.
Psychologies: The title of your book — «Happiness in Hard Times» — is very relevant to the current situation. If earlier times were difficult for some, now they are for most. Many people are afraid of the future: job loss, lack of money, illness, restrictions… What can be done to stay (or start to be) happy now?
Andrew Matthews: Yes, these changes can be scary. If you’re worried about what happened — and everything else that could go wrong — this is really too much! But you can manage your life day by day.
Solve your problems the same way you would climb a mountain…
If you climb up and suddenly get stuck on some ledge, you instantly focus on the moment of the present! You forget about the future. You put all your effort into the next step. And then the next one. Centimeter by centimeter. And suddenly you realize: “The worst is over — and I managed to survive!” The same strategy works in everyday life.
If things seem desperate, focus all your attention on today. Do what you can today. All you can do is try your best until it’s time to sleep. Leave tomorrow’s worries for tomorrow.
How much do we depend on others? What should we do if our loved ones become discouraged? What to tell them, how to behave with them?
EM.: We help our friends and family best when we encourage them to remember the good things in their lives, no matter how small or big. Here’s what some people won’t understand: you can’t force others to be happy, and that’s not your job.
You can be kind to them, you can be an example for them, but in the end, your friends and loved ones choose how they see the world. All you can do is be the best person you can be.
What, from your point of view, is most important in a relationship — love, respect, understanding, or something else?
EM.: Love, respect, kindness, empathy. When you get to know the history of a person — almost everyone — from the inside, learn about what and for what he fought, it is deeply touching. Some of us were told as children that we were stupid. Some of us have been convinced since childhood that we were ugly. Many of us believe that we are impossible to love. Most of us worry about not being good enough. And so am I.
It’s hard to be human! We can empathize with the pain of others — and not judge them or try to change them — this is love and respect. Ultimately, our relationships work when we see the good in people.
We are used to freedom of movement, an open world, porous borders — and now the world is closing, at least for a while. Does this mean that we have less freedom? How will this affect us?
EM.: Sometimes we need to lose something in order to understand how lucky we were before. It suddenly turned out that in 2020 we can’t travel, we can’t go to the office, we can’t even watch the game of our favorite football team on TV!
But some have found a new freedom — less travel back and forth, more time to spend with family or do what they love. Millions of ten-year-old boys around the world will remember 2020 as the best of their lives: “Dad was at home with me that year!” We will get out of this and appreciate all the things we used to take for granted.
The coronavirus has forced many of us to endure the loss: earnings, health, habitual way of life. Some have lost relatives or friends. How to deal with losses?
EM.: We focus on what we still have. We find in life what we are looking for. So it’s about the questions we ask ourselves: “What do I like about my husband? What am I grateful for? What good thing happened today?
What is the difference between happy and unhappy people? The happy are interested in what they have, and the unfortunate in what they lack.
1 For more details, see Happiness in Hard Times (Bombora, 2011).