Contents
Let’s be honest: even the strongest couples go through trials that put a relationship on the brink of breaking. But why are some people able to overcome disagreements, while others are in a hurry to burn bridges?
Stay or go –a question that torments at least one of the partners in a great many couples. Every day, every hour, right this very second. Meanwhile, psychologists advise asking other questions. The answers to which will help to come to the right decision.
1. What did you expect from love?
Usually this question is replaced by another – “Do I love him (her) still?”. But the answer is too often dictated by the myths of popular culture. In which love is when a partner understands you without words and anticipates all your desires. In real life, things are different. And first of all, you should soberly admit: if the relationship is in crisis, then exactly half of the blame for this lies with you.
“People do not come into relationships “from scratch”, they carry with them a load of previously accumulated problems. And they unconsciously expect that the partner will solve them all with a wave of a magic wand. And when this does not happen, they get very upset and believe that the relationship has not justified itself, ”says Jody McKay, clinical psychologist, expert at Psychologies (South Africa).
She recommends lovers to be more sober in their expectations. And strive for that level of intimacy when everyone can fearlessly tell their partner about their emotional wounds. Only in this case, you can count on the fact that a loved one will help them heal.
2. What do you want to get rid of?
You can walk away from a partner you’ve lost interest in, but you’ll never be able to run away from yourself. So try to figure out what you don’t like in the first place. It is possible that the answer lies within yourself.
“For example, people who are used to being strong and in control are unconsciously inclined to choose weak and dependent partners,” explains couples therapist Mira Viej. So they strive to find balance in life. But as a result, one day it is the weakness and vulnerability of partners that turn out to be the qualities that begin to irritate the most.
This can go on indefinitely, until a person admits to himself that weakness is not a mortal sin at all. And that, apparently, it is important for him to sometimes allow himself to be weak. As soon as this happens, the weakness of the partner will cease to be an annoying factor.
3. Are you sure you can live on your own?
Very often, the thought of loneliness scares women even more than a long-obsolete marriage. Are you afraid of not coping alone with life’s difficulties? Or are you afraid that you won’t be able to meet a new suitable partner? If the answer is yes, then, oddly enough, the existing relationship should probably end as soon as possible, says psychotherapist Ruthie Smith.
“The more you become dependent on another person, the more you lose faith in yourself and the ability to take responsibility for your life.” And for your happiness, for which, ultimately, only you and no one else are responsible.
4. Can you handle cheating?
For most couples, adultery is more than enough reason to get divorced. But Mira Viej disagrees. As with the very first question, she invites you to honestly admit that it is your fault that your partner began to look for pleasure on the side.
“Perhaps you tend to “punish” your partner with the lack of an intimate life for some wrongdoing? Or does he not feel the admiration for which the first months of life together were generous and which we all need constantly?
If two people are able to understand what happened and agree on the inevitable redistribution of roles in a couple over the years, then betrayal can not only not destroy relationships, but also strengthen them.
5. How would you feel if your partner died today?
Perhaps this sounds too harsh and even shocking. But such “shock therapy” can be very useful. Momentary reasons and emotions often push for parting. Sharp and painful here and now, they are not very important “in the long run”, but they are quite capable of obscuring the true value of relationships from us. Which you need to remind yourself of – albeit in such a harsh way.
6. What will your new life look like?
The question is purely practical, but no less important for that. Who will cook the food or pick up the children from school, who will fix the broken socket or finally change the winter tires for summer ones, even if only in May?
“We often think of getting out of a difficult relationship as a release. But freedom not only has its price, it also imposes additional responsibility, ”recalls Jody McKay. She encourages clients to make a detailed plan for the next “day on the loose”, without missing any details. In order to understand how ready they are to cope with everyday life concerns that today lie on the shoulders of a partner.
7. Should your happiness outweigh someone else’s sadness?
The answer is unequivocal – yes. You must put your interests first. And the question is actually not at all in this, but in how you do it, – Maira Viej is convinced. She cites the example of couples who continue to maintain a long-loathed marriage in the interests of children. But the trouble is that children in such couples, looking at parents who have not loved each other for a long time, receive an unconscious attitude: their own happiness is not important, they can and should be sacrificed for the sake of some higher interests.
As a result, from generation to generation we raise people who deliberately agree to be unhappy. This chain must be broken. But this must be done as carefully as possible. Explaining to the children that the reason for the separation is not at all in them and the divorce will not affect your feelings for them in any way. You just want to be happy just like them. And if this works out, then in the end everyone will win.