Dishonesty, manipulation, blackmail, play on feelings or even violence: the only thing left to do from such a situation is to run, and as far as possible. If you do not decide to do this, there is a risk of ceasing to be yourself.
“It went on for over four years. I tried everything: listened, explained, argued, begged, cried…” The husband of 31-year-old Maria suffers from bipolar disorder with all the ensuing consequences for her in the form of involuntary participation in his fears, painful experiences and sensations. But it’s not only that. All these years, he accused her of not helping him cope with the disease. “I always thought that my job was to be there, to be patient, but he should be treated himself.”
She was looking for a way out for a long time, hoping that she would cope, and turned to a psychologist … And one day she simply left without saying anything or explaining. Now she breathes much easier. “But what happened to me during the first months! I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t work, not because of fear that he would find me, but because of a terrible sense of guilt.”
One may be surprised that Maria could not decide on a break for so many years. “But usually they leave the relationship when all the possibilities have been exhausted,” comments existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. — When there is a feeling: I can’t stand it anymore. Not just “I don’t like it” or “I’m tired of it,” but “it destroys me, and if I don’t leave, I will cease to be myself, real.”
Often people break off relationships in a state of passion, spontaneously … and then come back
When faced with serious challenges, we usually choose one of three: fight, do nothing, or run. Professional, family, and love ties often tie us into relationships that are emotionally meaningful to us, forcing us to choose the second option. The influence of stereotypes is also great here: strength and perseverance are valued in society (“we must fight to the end”), as well as unlimited patience (“close people should be treated with understanding”). Still, sometimes you have to find the strength to leave.
The feeling that it’s time to flee comes when we realize that conflict and everything connected with it is seriously threatened.
“Some men and women have such traits in their character when access to their own experiences is difficult or completely absent,” explains Svetlana Krivtsova. “It’s hard to get along with them. Of course, we are not all perfect and we can put up with many shortcomings and character traits. But when a partner, relative or boss has serious psychological disorders, when he endlessly devalues, hurts, insults, regardless of whether there is a real reason for this or not, then it is better to stop communicating.
Often people break off relationships in a state of passion, spontaneously … and then come back. But there are solutions that have been ripening for years, although outwardly they look like an outburst of emotions: a person left, slamming the door (a quarrel gave energy for this), and then he realized that he could not return either to this apartment or to this relationship. A solution can also arise without an external conflict: we simply understand that we can no longer live like this. But still, leaving and not returning is really difficult.
“Very often, after a decision is made, there is a feeling of guilt,” says the psychotherapist. — Especially when it comes to breaking up with someone close to you, with your parents. Although all ways to protect yourself and keep in touch have been exhausted and each visit is a new wound. But for a final break, of course, very good reasons are needed.
If you do not break the relationship of coercion, everyone can be in the position of a victim.
There are other reasons that prevent us from taking a step towards a solution. We tend to take to heart the accusations of someone who attacks us. And the more aggression comes from a significant person for us, the more distinct the feeling becomes that its cause is in ourselves. That is why children protect parents who abused them: they expect love from adults so much that they feel especially guilty and look for the causes of violence in themselves.
Psychoanalyst Marie-France Yrigoyen, who has been dealing with the problem of sexual harassment for many years, understands its nature in this way: “The intention of the one who harasses is to suppress even traces of libido in the other. But libido is life. This means that other desires are suppressed, including the most important thing — to live. Of course, she is talking about limiting cases. But each of us has our own vulnerabilities that remind us of ourselves at a time of crisis. And if you do not break the relationship of coercion, everyone can be in the position of a victim.
“The boss kept saying that I couldn’t cope,” recalls 43-year-old Mikhail. — At first I took it calmly, worked, tried. But the more I heard criticism, the more I told myself that it must be true. It ended with the fact that I finally lost confidence in myself, began to make stupid mistakes … «
Do not forget about emotional blackmail, which can be resorted to by the aggressor. This happened to 34-year-old Victoria. When she decided to leave her husband after many years of humiliation and insults, he burst into tears. “I saw his tears, and I felt terribly ashamed. It seemed to me that there was a helpless boy in front of me, and I was leaving and leaving him alone, ”she recalls.
What will help you get free?
It is easier to decide on a break with the support of friends, relatives, perhaps a community of like-minded people. It is good to start a course of psychotherapy, although it is also not easy. To begin with, it is important to realize how serious the situation is, to feel your own suffering. However, a person who is entangled in relationships and has given all his strength to conflicts and feelings of guilt involuntarily resists, does not want to see, tries not to notice his pain. Often, only by looking at the situation from the outside, he realizes how hard it is for him: a film, a book, a phrase he accidentally heard can become an occasion …
“Running is wise,” says Marie-France Yrigoyen. — Another — whether it be a mother, a spouse or a boss — by making us suffer, thereby maintains a connection with us. When we are attacked, we, feeling injustice, want to justify ourselves, to get from another recognition of our suffering — this is where the difficulty lies. But there is no need to be deceived. We will never prove ourselves right.»
Therefore, it is better to turn your attention to yourself, find your place in this story, understand your desires, only your “I want” and “I don’t want”. And depending on this, do what we think is right. Only then can we find another path. Your own.
«I managed to save myself»
Now it seems to me that the conflict with the mother was always there, but in fact it began after the death of the father. I was seven years old. Mom was very upset by his departure. And it so happened that she focused all her attention on the puppy, which they bought a month before my father’s illness. She hugged him, kissed him, said that only he loved her, and then I became allergic to wool.
I remember when I was already at university, she said: “I wanted to commit suicide. But I thought that if you live without me, then the puppy needs my care. We constantly quarreled, my mother could not talk to me for weeks. She thought that I was lazy, did nothing, appreciated strangers more than her. And later my problems left her indifferent, seemed to her completely unimportant.
The people around, except for my grandmother and my beloved) did not notice our conflict — outwardly everything was fine … And once there was an ugly scandal between us, and my mother uttered words that I still cannot forgive her. Then I packed my things and left. I was 24 years old. It was sad, but I felt a huge relief from the fact that I left.
I still think I did the right thing then. Probably, the problem has not gone away, but I managed to save myself. True, to cope with feelings, it took me a year and a half of psychotherapy. What has changed now, 18 years after the quarrel? We switched places. I no longer expect anything from her, and she wants my love and attention. She recently had a stroke, but the only thing I can do for her is to provide a XNUMX-hour babysitter and help with money. Nothing else works, no matter how hard I try.