Learning to Be Empathetic: 7 Books on the Art of Communication

1. “Get rid of loneliness. The Miracle of Communication by Jacques Salome and Sylvie Galland

The original title of the book is “If I had listened to myself… I would have heard myself” (“Si je m’écoutais… je m’entendrais”). This is the main idea of ​​its authors, French psychologists Jacques Salome and Sylvie Galland: we are able to understand another person only when we learn to hear and understand ourselves.

With the help of many examples and stories from life, they offer to understand what grievances, unmet needs and personal myths actually control us when we suddenly snap at an innocent request for no reason, experience inexplicable irritation with an unfamiliar person who has done nothing to us, or we are offended by loved ones, while they, on the contrary, expected gratitude from us …

In a word, this book is incomparably deeper and thinner than any effective communication textbook. She teaches not the right moves, but an understanding of the very philosophy of communication – and the relationships behind it. Having mastered these depths, you yourself will be able to find the right moves.

2. “Learn to have a conversation in any situation” by Emma Sargent and Tim Fieron

Each of us had to experience difficulties in communication: some are nervous when it is necessary to keep up a conversation with strangers, others panic because of the need to speak in public, someone is embarrassed when communicating with superiors, and someone has difficulty finding words for in order to express your feelings.

The authors of this book, NLP specialists, leaders of an extraordinary coaching company, offer their methodology for teaching easy communication – a strategy to help overcome self-doubt and become an interesting conversationalist.

As it turns out, the art of conversation includes not only the ability to start and maintain a conversation, build good relationships and talk on any topic, including in difficult situations. An equally important skill is the ability to shut up in time, a separate chapter is devoted to it.

3. “Is he a schizophrenic?! How to Deal with Difficult People by François Lelore and Christophe André

French psychotherapists Francois Lelor and Christophe André describe ten types of “difficult people”: those who are too dependent, self-centered, self-confident or, on the contrary, tend to underestimate themselves, easily vulnerable, pedantic, constantly criticizing others or badly needing their attention …

By revealing the peculiarities of their characters, the authors help relatives, friends and colleagues to build relationships with such people, to make communication as comfortable as possible for them and for themselves. And they assure that people with a difficult character most of all need sympathy and support, since no one suffers from their behavior more than themselves.

It’s only a pity that the publisher, releasing this quality book, added to the original author’s title “How to deal with difficult people” a playful “Is he a schizophrenic?!”

4. The Art of Easy Conversation by Cornelia Topf

Casual conversation, or in English small talk, delivers real pleasure (and sometimes real benefits) to those who master this art. The rest consider it empty chatter about nothing, but secretly probably dream of learning how to easily make acquaintances, maintain a pleasant conversation with a fellow traveler or an unfamiliar colleague at a party.

What is needed for this? Throw away fear, pacify the voice of doubt, show interest and curiosity, move from simple to complex. Cornelia Topf, a communication consultant from the University of Augsburg (Germany), offers such a path to novice lovers of secular conversation. But in order to become a professional in this field, it turns out that it is necessary to fulfill the wishes of others during the conversation, to show sincere attention, respect and sympathy to them.

The detailed analysis of our speech behavior, strategies and mistakes offered in this book will be of interest not only to those who strive for career and social success, but also to those who want to be a pleasant conversationalist completely disinterestedly.

5. “Negotiations without defeat. The Harvard Method by Roger Fisher, William Urey and Bruce Patton

When we perceive the interlocutor as a rival, we have two possibilities ahead of us: defeat or victory. If the stakes are high and the opponent is strong, the situation becomes risky. How to avoid fighting and reach an agreement? Roger Fisher is a professor of law at Harvard University (retired).

Under his leadership, the Harvard Negotiators conducted surveys of well-known negotiators to find out what was the reason for their success. Also, for more than twenty years, Roger Fisher worked as a consultant in real negotiations around the world: he participated in the settlement of military and diplomatic conflicts, in commercial and legal disputes.

In the book, he gives a system of clear recommendations. For example: “Focus on interests, not positions.” “Put yourself in the place of the enemy. Analyze the position he has taken and ask yourself: “Why?” Consistently carried out, they lead to the desired result and allow you to reach an agreement even in those cases that at first glance seem hopeless.

6. “Communication in Psychotherapy” by Virginia Satir

How is communication built in a couple or between parents and children? How to stop blaming, calculating and eliminating in order to finally master a balanced, trusting, open communication?

The answers that the American psychotherapist, the founder of family counseling, Virginia Satir, tells us, everyone can get for themselves. To do this, it is enough to carefully peer and listen to the interlocutor, establish physical contact with him and perform several deceptively easy exercises, trying on (and even exaggerating) different models of communication.

“You will learn a lot if you fully lose all your roles,” says Virginia Satir. So, choose a new name for yourself, one of the roles (accuser, ingratiating, prudent, detached), a posture corresponding to it, a manner of moving and speaking. The game starts!

7. “A parent is a child. The World of Relations by Chaim Ginott

Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter introduced Russian parents to the technique of active listening, which radically changes the quality of relationships in the family (her books “Communicate with the child. How?” and “We continue to communicate with the child. So?” Have been bestsellers for many years). But now we want to recall the work that was published in America in 1965 (when, in fact, it made a revolution in family communication), but reached Russian readers only in 2012.

Its author is Chaim Ginott, an outstanding child psychologist and psychotherapist who emigrated from Israel to America in the late 40s. He was the first in the world to invent and organize parent meeting groups. Participation in this seminar inspired Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish to create the famous book “How to talk so children will listen and how to listen so children will talk.”

In the book Parent-Child. The World of Relations” Chaim Ginott for the first time told parents about empathic communication (“active listening technique”) – how to listen and hear a child, educate without humiliating, and criticize bad behavior without offending dignity. And this book is still at the top of the world bestseller lists.

The Russian translation is from a new American edition, edited and expanded by the author’s widow, clinical psychologist Alice Ginott, and family psychologist Wallace Goddard. (Eksmo, 2012).