Learned helplessness: why do we think that nothing depends on us?

Learned helplessness is a state of mind in which we feel that we are powerless to improve our lives. We cannot get out of toxic relationships, we are not able to find an interesting or well-paid job. We won’t master learning new skills, we won’t find a partner on a dating site. Let’s not deal with the gadget. The list could be endless.

Where does this state come from?

As the name suggests, it is “learned”. For example, in childhood, parents did not listen to the wishes of the child, they decided everything for him, as in that joke: “Son, it’s time to go home! “Mom, am I cold or hungry?” Or a person already in adulthood found himself in circumstances where his actions did not lead to the desired result.

The brain often tends to save effort: it remembers that attempts are useless, and it turns on the “don’t even try” mode. As a result, once in circumstances that could be influenced, a person will not do anything to help himself. He won’t unbutton his jacket in a hot car, won’t go out for a drink and will be tormented by thirst at a meeting, and so on.

Happiness in choice

Learned helplessness can occur not only in humans, but also in animals. Experiments conducted in 1964 by the American psychologist Martin Seligman on dogs showed that if a living being suffers for a certain time and all its efforts do not lead to a result, the next time it will not make attempts and take suffering for granted. That is, it will be forced to endure discomfort or even pain if it learns – learns – that nothing depends on it.

The experiment was also carried out on humans. Nursing home residents were divided into two control groups. In one, the elderly were taken care of, depriving them of any initiative and the ability to somehow control what is happening in life. Members of the other group could influence a lot, choose a movie to watch, interior options, dishes from the menu.

When the experiment ended, it turned out that in the first group, people felt less happy, some showed signs of depression. Health was also worse than that of pensioners from the second group.

Obviously, the opportunity to influence their lives gave people strength.

Is it her own fault or does she need help?

Helplessness is not the fault of the one experiencing it. But it is a problem that is worth working on in order to improve life. The trouble is that it is precisely the certainty that nothing can be changed for the better that stops a person from taking the necessary steps – turning to friends and specialists for help. Illiteracy in this matter can lead ordinary people to victimblaming.

For example, this applies to stories of domestic violence. In many cases, the abuser is unpredictable, authoritarian, and blames the victim for all problems. Trying to avoid them, she tries to act “nice”, but in response she gets aggression again. This behavior of the abuser leads to the fact that over time the victim gives up.

In order to get out of the situation, she needs to cope with learned helplessness, overcome it, but this requires resources. And here it cannot be “itself to blame.” In such situations, the help and support of friends and relatives is important – those who can reach out to the victim and help them take a step.

Looking in the mirror

To some extent, learned helplessness can manifest itself in many of us. As Gestalt therapist Anastasia Gurneva notes, it is much easier to notice it in another than in oneself.

How can it manifest itself in practice? Anastasia Gurneva identifies several levels:

1. Actions. It’s hard to take the first step. Thinking about an idea is easier than starting to implement it. It is very difficult to resist aggression, and therefore sometimes it is easier to remain in uncomfortable, but familiar conditions, than to speak up in your defense and change something.
2. Feelings and motivation. When you need to be persistent or declare yourself, a person freezes. Even within himself, it is difficult for him to recognize what he wants and what he does not. A step into the new and unknown is frightening and “freezing”.
3. Thought. The sayings “A bad peace is better than a good quarrel”, “Better a tit in the hand than a crane in the sky” reflect the philosophy of life. When choosing between his own interests and those of others, a person is inferior to others.
4. Self-esteem. Own opinion is not perceived as significant and worthy of publicity. And having voiced it or taking the initiative, a person regrets and considers himself an upstart. Even when he achieves a lot, he does not take credit for himself.

Steps on the Path to Healing

It is better to work with this condition together with a psychotherapist. Relying on his support, move towards taking responsibility for your life. There will be many interesting stages along the way, writes Anastasia Gurneva, and you will need to learn:

• be aware of their actions and the result to which they lead,
• make efforts and not be afraid to get an assessment for them,
• “taste” responsibility,
• work out the starting injury – in some cases it is necessary. And then in the sessions, relying on the available resources and with self-compassion, a person literally lives it anew, restoring the ability to protect himself and influence circumstances.

So does our own life depend on us? Yes and no. As the German theologian Carl Friedrich Oetinger said in his famous prayer: “Lord, give me the serenity to accept what I cannot change. Give me the courage to change what I can change. And the wisdom to distinguish one from the other.

By overcoming learned helplessness, we gain the courage to act where we can truly make life better.