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Learn to say no: when and why
Psychology
To say no, the first word we must use is no. Normally we give “a lot of laps” and we justify ourselves excessively, which makes the other person not see us as sure of our decision
As an expert psychologist in the treatment of anxiety, Laura Fuster indicates that one of the things that is most worked to reduce it is setting limits and saying no. Because, how many times have you accepted something that you did not feel like or were not interested in? When this happens we are putting the needs of others before our own. And although this may occasionally be a act of generosity or empathy, If we act in this way too frequently, we could suffer the following consequences:
Loss of self-esteem. “If we always prioritize other people, it can give us the feeling that our things and even ourselves are less important than others,” says Laura Fuster.
We do not know eachother. An important part of who we are are our tastes, hobbies, desires or opinions. If we systematically deny it, putting the wishes of others first, it may happen that we lose our hobbies.
The others don’t know us. “If we do not express our concerns and tastes, it is impossible for others to know them and propose things adapted to us,” he says.
Since the others don’t know where are our limits It is essential to say no so that the people around us know what they can do, say or propose to us and what not.
We find it hard to say no because of our thoughts. It is very likely that in some situations we anticipate that the other person is going to get angry or think that I am selfish or that I shy away or do not want to help when they propose things. “If these thoughts appear they will create insecurity and anxiety and it is very likely that they will end up giving in, saying yes to something that was not wanted,” warns the expert.
Assertiveness
Assertiveness is the ability to express our wishes, thoughts or opinions in a direct and clear way, respecting others and respecting ourselves. Above assertiveness is aggressiveness, and an aggressive way of communicating is one that imposes its criteria without listening to that of others, raising its voice and with resounding gestures. Below assertiveness, according to Laura Fuster, is the passive way of communicating, which gives in to everything that others want, without making their opinion clear, with a low tone of voice and without looking into the eyes.
«The middle ground is assertiveness, a way of communicating with which we are sure of what we are going to say and we express it clearly. The tone of voice is moderate and confident, with appropriate eye contact. To say no, the first word we must use is no. It seems very obvious, but we usually go around a lot and we justify ourselves excessively, which makes the other person not see us as sure of our decision and it is more likely that we end up giving in unintentionally », he warns.
In consultation, as Laura Fuster reveals, they suggest that people who find it difficult to say no to start doing it in simple situations and with trusted people: «As we mentioned, the first word should be no, make eye contact and with a tone of safe and audible voice.
For example, if a friend asks us to go out and we don’t want to, we can say “no, today I prefer not to go out.” Other options would be “no, I’m not doing well” or “no, I don’t feel like it today.” We must always express ourselves in a direct way and without doubts but also with education and respect for the other person.