Learn to react less violently

Cheeks and ears crimson with embarrassment, palms wet with excitement, unbidden tears or uncontrollable outbursts of rage … The list goes on. Millions of people are unable to cope with the manifestations of their own emotions.

“Every time I get a compliment, I blush like a beetroot,” complains Marina, 37, a manager at a logistics company. “My bosses and colleagues have long noticed this and make fun of me. One had something like a hobby: constantly making me blush. Luckily, he left the company, but I still feel defenseless because of this peculiarity. And the more I try to control myself, the worse it gets. This reaction is stronger than me.”

Psychologists are not inclined to consider heightened emotionality a big problem. They note that problems are created rather by external circumstances. We live in an era that requires us to be the masters of our lives and, of course, our feelings. And the excessive or simply noticeable manifestation of those emotions that we would not like to show puts us in an ambiguous position, as if something in us is playing against us. Hence additional – and often strong – unrest.

“There is a concept of meta-emotions,” says emotionally focused therapist Lucy Mikaelian. “These are emotions about emotions. I blushed, and I’m embarrassed that I blushed. I’m not like everyone else, others don’t blush. Or something pissed me off, and bam! – Emotion turns into an action that harms me and others. It’s really hard to be happy about that.”

And yet you should not make a tragedy out of your emotionality. Psychologists offer four ways to cope with the dictates of emotions.

1. Don’t fight them

The main thing not to do is to try to overcome your emotions. Entering into battle with them, we only aggravate the situation and increase the manifestation of emotions, psychologist Antoine Pelissolo is sure.

“In trying to control ourselves, we want to eliminate something that simply cannot be completely eliminated. Reason and emotion create a kind of “short circuit” in the cerebral cortex, our control center that reason and make decisions. Inadequate connections are formed between the lower, “reptilian” brain, which provides vital functions (breathing, body temperature), and the upper brain, the cortex. At these times, information is not circulating and processed normally, and inappropriate or disproportionate reactions can result.”

Another possible consequence is delayed reactions. Alina, 33, head of finance at a chain of beauty salons, complains that she can’t control her temper tantrums: “I lose my temper very easily. And I understand that the leader has no right to behave like this, but I don’t know what to do. I try to hide my anger, but it ends up showing up in completely unexpected ways and in the wrong environment, where no one can understand why I’m exploding.”

The reverse of the “explosion” option is emphasized coldness. “Emotions give us a signal about what is happening to us at the moment, what we need to be prepared for. Opening up, showing our emotions to other people, we can feel naked, vulnerable to other people’s views and assessments.

And if these views seem unfriendly, and the assessments are negative, then we may be embarrassed, ashamed or afraid to show our sincere feelings, – notes the gestalt therapist Natalia Kedrova. We will try to hide or suppress our feelings. With a good workout, you can give yourself an impregnable look. But the downside of this closeness can be difficulties in close relationships and loneliness.

Phillip, a 48-year-old entrepreneur, confirms this observation: “I constantly feel pressure at work. And I found the only solution for myself – to isolate myself from everything that surrounds me. Even as a child, I was worried about the fact that my parents often quarreled at home. My brother and I then came up with a trick – we learned not to hear them. Now I use this trick all the time. But I myself see that it is difficult for me to express what I feel. Both women I loved left me saying that I was insensitive, although this is not at all the case.

Impressionability is not a disaster, Antoine Pelissolo concludes: “It is not something that puts your life in danger, and not a severe anomaly. This is a trait that many people have. It can be mitigated, but there is no need to try to defend against it.”

2. Recognize their value

Is it possible to “tame” your emotions without suppressing them and without splashing out too generously? Yes. And the first thing to do is to stop seeing them as a dark, uncontrollable element.

“Emotions are a process that combines bodily response, assessment of the situation, tendencies to act and perception of oneself,” recalls Lucy Mikaelyan. – It is hardly possible to suppress primary emotions (immediate reaction). But you can try to “make friends” with them.

In psychology, there is the concept of “window of tolerance”, which describes the range of tolerance of emotions. This is the range in which we can experience something without being overwhelmed with experience and without being excluded from the process of feeling.

Expanding this window can be worked on by recognizing that emotions are a valve that is needed to “let off steam” in situations of excessive tension. For each of us, this valve works in its own way, but we all need it equally.

“We can recognize the value of our uniqueness: sensitivity, quick reaction, strong feelings,” says Natalia Kedrova. At the same time, it must be recognized that this property can be inconvenient in circumstances where it is important to regulate one’s experiences and their manifestations. We will have to stock up on various techniques and words that will help in communicating with other people and will become more important to them than our burning ears or a trembling voice.

3. Try to understand them

Emotions are not a mystical possession. You can significantly reduce your dependence on them if you make them the subject of intellectual research. For example, to take an interest in the functioning of our brain and nervous system, the role of emotions in the evolution of our biological species … When emotions lose their halo of mystery and turn into a set of knowable processes, it may become easier to deal with them.

Then we can move from a general idea of ​​emotions to specific personal experiences that spoil our lives. Of course, it is better to comprehend them not at the moment when they reached their peak and captured us. Therefore, in self-observation, it is useful to pay special attention to the emergence of strong reactions, points out Antoine Pelissolo. What exactly is happening in us at this moment? Under what circumstances does this happen?

“When we identify their causes, we can see that this is not magic, not a phenomenon that appears out of nowhere. It corresponds to something in ourselves. And by understanding this, we can find ways to calm ourselves, correct the excessive manifestations of our emotionality, without adding fuel to the fire.

Lucy Mikaelian recommends understanding not only how and why emotions arise, but also to pay attention to what they appear for.

“Each emotion makes sense in its appropriate context,” she emphasizes. – We are not just angry, frightened, ashamed, sad, surprised, happy (by the way, this is a list of those basic emotions from which all our experiences are built). What are our emotions telling us? What are they calling for? What are they protecting you from?”

However, the psychotherapist admits that sometimes this is not easy to understand: “Inexplicable, chaotic, unbearable emotions can be the result of psychological trauma. In this case, you need to contact a specialist.

4. Reconnect with the body

Nausea and rapid breathing, discoloration of the skin and sweating – any strong emotion is bodily in its manifestations. And the closer we are familiar with our own body, the better our relationship with it, the more opportunities we have to avoid excessive emotionality.

The body can become our assistant in working with an excess of emotional energy, suggesting the appropriate movement. “For those who want to discharge their impulses, high activity, running, strength exercises with serious loads are suitable,” comments Antoine Pelissolo. “And for those who need to calm down, soft yoga or just walks in nature are suitable.”

Emotionality is directly related to breathing, and we can strive to keep it deep and light. “Try meditation,” advises Lucy Mikaelian. – You focus on breathing for 5-10-20 minutes. Different thoughts, images, feelings come to you – and you let them float by, you don’t hold back, you don’t drive them away. After about a month of practice, you will notice the first results.

In addition, communication with people in a situation where emotions are included in common activities can be an excellent tool, notes Natalia Kedrova. It can be, for example, travel or creativity. Antoine Pelissolo agrees with this. He considers theater, acting on stage, to be the most effective practice: “When we play a role, this allows us to maintain self-control, experiencing emotions. We live them without trying to kill them or dominate them.”