We are indulgent and patient with children – but why can’t we be the same with the adults we love? Writer Susan Cain offers five steps to learning to love.
“Will you let me go to the cinema? I won’t love you anymore.” In the mouth of a five-year-old child, such a statement will not surprise anyone. He tries the strength of the border, and he really really wants to go to the cinema. So he resorts to the most powerful weapon at his disposal: he threatens to deprive us of love.
But we do not clutch our heads, we do not fall into despair because of these threats. We adults know that he loves us, that he doesn’t really think so, that he’s just tired, hungry, or upset about something that happened in kindergarten. It is easy for us to be mature individuals: to lead children with us, to give them unconditional love, to show wisdom.
Why is it so difficult for us to be like this when our adult loved one makes such a maneuver, when the threat of losing his love is guessed in his silence, stinging jabs or aggressive rhetorical questions? Can we, in such a situation, maintain the same patient loving treatment that we show with our offspring?
Read more:
- What you need to know about manipulators
“The child has the feeling that the parent is always there, ready to console, guide, entertain, feed, wash, always remaining gentle and joyful,” writes British writer and philosopher Alain de Botton. – The parent does not explain how often during the day he has to hold back tears, bite his tongue, and that sometimes after a whole day of fussing with a child, he does not even have the strength to undress before going to bed. There is no reciprocity in these relationships. The parent gives love, but does not expect the child to help him in return in the same way. Parent and child can both love, but they are on opposite ends of the coordinate axis, which the child is not even aware of. That’s why when we grow up and say for the first time that we crave love, we first of all expect to be loved with the same love that we received from our parents. And this is really a disaster … we need to move from a child position to a parent position. What is needed is a willingness to subordinate one’s demands and tasks to the needs of another person.
Pass the tests
- Are your reproaches against your partner fair?
In other words, entering into adult relationships, we are looking for the love that we received (or wanted to receive) in childhood. But this is not only an unrealistic goal, it is also false. The true purpose is to bestow such love on others. Bite your tongue, hide your tears for the benefit of an adult close to us. Okay, not all the time, but more often than most of us do. The true goal is to be generous in love. Of course, none of us will complete this task completely. But we can deal with it much better than now. We need to strive for this throughout our lives.
How to become more generous in love? Here are five tips
1. First of all, love yourself. Those who practice loving-kindness meditation know this well. It always begins with the fact that you direct the energy of love to yourself. We project onto others what we feel about ourselves. If we are intolerant and critical of ourselves, we do not forgive others. If we give ourselves love, accept ourselves, then we are able to treat others in the same way.
2. Admire everything you can admire in people. This is a lesson my grandfather taught me. He always admired some qualities of other people, whether it was tall, wit, athletic … – he paid tribute to everything. I’m a more reserved person, so I don’t quite follow his example. But I’m trying!
3. There is no such person whom you will not love after learning his story. This aphorism belongs to the Benedictine nun and writer Mary Lou Kownacki. Imagine a person who has done something very terrible. Now imagine him as a child. Perhaps he was bullied, treated like a nonentity. Imagine a little boy crying softly through the long nights, no one cares about his tears. If you don’t forgive him, then soften.
Read more:
- Why Men Don’t See Their Wives Getting Old
4. You can’t control other people’s behavior – only your own. Try to treat people with calm warmth, no matter how they treat you. When faced with a threat or provocation, take a deep breath, count to 10, and try to restore that state. If the count to 10 is not enough, try to step back from the situation by imagining yourself in some beautiful place (be it your favorite lake at sunset or a fictional landscape) or in the presence of a person who loves and cares for you (again, real or fictional, it doesn’t matter). When you feel ready to communicate, try to separate the essence of what the person is saying from the feelings of threat and anxiety you are experiencing. (It’s not that easy, of course!) You can read more about this in Emotional Freedom by Judith Orloff.1 and “Key Negotiations” by Kerry Patterson and his collaborators2.
5. Try not to judge others. It is no coincidence that non-judgment is at the center of many spiritual traditions. Judgment darkens your relationships and prevents you from accepting people with all their shortcomings. But this does not mean that you should not notice the bad behavior of others (as well as your own). There is simply a huge difference between watching and blaming. Judgment makes you withdraw from people—and from yourself. Observation can be impartial, and sometimes filled with love. Just as we forgive our children for their wrongdoings by urging them to behave better next time, we can forgive ourselves. And if you manage to be softer and more indulgent with yourself, it will become easier for you to treat your beloved adults in the same way.
Susan Cain, American writer, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (Broadway Books, 2013).
1 J. Orloff. «Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life» (Harmony, 2010).
2 K. Patterson et al. “Key Negotiations. What and how to say when the stakes are high” (Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2011).