We do our best to avoid them or, on the contrary, plunge into them with our heads. But neither strategy allows us to live life to the fullest. Why is this happening?
There are different classifications of basic human emotions. For example, the famous American psychologist Paul Ekman identifies seven: joy, anger, sadness, fear, contempt, surprise and disgust. Please note that five out of seven – anger, sadness, fear, contempt, disgust – belong to the negative part of our emotional spectrum.
What meaning can be found in the fact that most of our emotions reflect the negative part of our being? After all, for some reason, natural selection has preserved them in the course of evolution? Doesn’t that mean they have a purpose? And is it worth avoiding them, is it not better to accept them as a useful, although often unpleasant part of life?
Yes. And there is. Only most of us are not ready to learn to accept negative feelings and live with them. Someone is trying with all his might to avoid and disguise them. Others, on the contrary, go headlong into these feelings.
Sometimes we try to deal with difficult circumstances and difficult feelings with cynicism, irony or dark humor, refusing to take anything seriously. But even Nietzsche noted that a joke is an epitaph for emotions. Some people just ignore their feelings on the principle of “forget it all.” So what happens if…
…we suppress negative emotions
This strategy is more often followed by men than women. This type of people leave negative emotions “outside the brackets” and live as if they don’t experience anything like that.
They discard these emotions because they are uncomfortable or unsettling, or because being not too radiant and cheerful is, in their opinion, a sign of weakness.
For example, if such a person hates his job, he will rationalize his emotions by telling himself, “Well, anyway, I have a job.” If he is unhappy in marriage, he, in order to forget himself, goes headlong into some difficult project. If he forgets about himself, giving himself up to caring for others, he repeats: “Nothing, my time will come!”
The trouble is that by ignoring their negative feelings, they cannot see their source.
Therefore, years later, we will find them all in the same job they hate, in the same unsuccessful marriage, in the same circumstances that do not satisfy them. They are so focused on moving forward that they are never in touch with their true feelings, which prevents them from changing or growing.
In addition, they try their best to think positively, pushing negative thoughts out of their heads. But, alas, when we try not to do something, it robs us of a surprisingly large amount of mental resources.
Research shows that trying to minimize or ignore certain feelings and thoughts leads to the fact that they only multiply. We accumulate them under a bushel, but one day they can get out of control and overwhelm us.
… we drown in negative emotions
People of this type are fixated on adversity and endlessly chew on their negative thoughts, unable to let go of these experiences. Over and over again they think about how they have been hurt, what failures they have suffered, how many shortcomings they have. In this group, unlike the first, women predominate.
The “obsessed” are self-centered and never stay in the present moment. Their anxiety is directed to the past, which can no longer be changed, and therefore it is meaningless.
They, however, have one advantage over the first group: they are at least aware of their feelings.
However, “chewing” only increases negative emotions, and in the end they take over their prey like a hurricane. Endless reflection on our failures and shortcomings does not lead to any constructive result, the thought moves in a circle, and we are not one iota closer to solving the problem.
Plus, all these questions like “Why do I always do this?” “Why can’t I deal with this?” lead only to an escalation of self-accusations, on which we spend a lot of mental energy, and this exhausts and devastates us more and more.
What to do?
It is clear that neither the first nor the second strategy makes us healthier or happier, because in both cases we do not see the roots of our problems.
Imagine that you are holding a stack of books in front of you with outstretched arms. You will last a few minutes. But in three minutes…well, in ten minutes your hands will be shaking. This is exactly what happens to those who “bottle up” their feelings. Eventually, you will find it so difficult to hold books that you will simply drop them or throw them on the floor.
But if you hold this pile to your chest, squeezing the books with all your might, your hands will also begin to tremble. You cannot act from such a position. This analogy helps to understand what happens to those who are “obsessed” with the negative.
In both cases, we cannot fully express ourselves in the world.
For example, hugging children, really getting involved in communication with other people, creating something new. We lack openness and inspiration, we are much less able to solve problems and make decisions.
If we use these strategies on a case-by-case basis, it’s still all right. But if we use them by default, constantly, as they often do, then they become counterproductive, and then there is no question of moving forward.