Learn to accept what we disagree with

To accept means to admit that something can go wrong as we are used to, as planned, not as we want. In English there is a phrase “shit happens” (literally: shit happens), which fully expresses the meaning of acceptance: I do not resist what happened, but just move on. In other words, this is an attitude to life from the position of “everything happens.” The opposite of acceptance is resistance, a negative attitude towards an event. This is a more familiar behavior for us. We resist everything that doesn’t go our way.

Pass the tests

• Why are you so sensitive?
• Why do you react like that to everything?

Think about purpose

Paradoxical behavior turns out – we spend our energy on something that can no longer be changed. But why do we resist? In a sense, we are driven by our past experiences. For example, in the past, in similar situations, the boss did not shout, but spoke calmly. Based on this, the expectation is formed that this will be the case in the future. And when the reality does not match the expectation, we unwittingly resist it.

Marathon runners have a mantra: “Pain is inevitable, suffering is your choice.” When a person runs a marathon, his legs hurt – this is inevitable. You can resist, and then the focus of attention will be directed to pain – internally a person will fight it, spending his energy. As a result, the pain will not only not subside, but suffering will also be added to it. There is a great chance that in this case the marathon runner will not reach the goal. But there is another choice – to take the pain for granted, think about the goal, or look around during the marathon, getting to know the new city and people.

Different life stories illustrate how effective acceptance is in life. The French doctor Alain Bombard drew attention to an amazing thing – after disasters on ships, with all the safety of lifeboats (and each had an impressive supply of food and fresh water), rescuers found dead in them within a week after the disaster. Once in a shipwreck, people did not accept the conditions in which they found themselves, they internally resisted them, and the body burned itself out with panic and fear.

In 1952, Bombar became the first person to cross the Atlantic alone in an inflatable rubber boat. She was provided with only the standard shipwrecked kit and an unused supply of provisions. “Victims of legendary shipwrecks who died prematurely, I know it wasn’t the sea that killed you, it wasn’t hunger that killed you, it wasn’t thirst that killed you! Swinging on the waves to the plaintive cries of seagulls, you died of fear, ”said Bombard. By his example, he proved that a person is able to endure a single transoceanic voyage in a boat with a minimum supply of food.

Read more:

• Face your fears

Acceptance does not mean inaction

The thought may arise that acceptance is weakness, and acceptance means submitting to circumstances. It’s not like that at all. To accept circumstances is as if I, being a physicist, accepted the magnitude of gravity on Earth and built my calculations taking into account this condition. Imagine that physicists and engineers would not take into account the true value of gravity and use some more “convenient” value. Many technical devices would simply not exist. Acceptance does not mean that we will be inactive. Instead of focusing on our expectations, we pay attention to what is happening here and now and understand how to use the current conditions to achieve our goal. Whether it’s the task of surviving a disaster or not getting upset over trifles in everyday life. You can still disagree with people, thoughts, events, but at the same time accept everything that does not fit into your value system.

We train acceptance

Acceptance is a skill that can be trained. Here are some ways.

Method 1. Actually acceptance. It is more interesting to train in acceptance when something happens that we are unhappy with. Notice your reaction. If you admit that you are resisting, this is the first step to stop doing it. Follow up with the question, what is your goal and how can you achieve it in the current environment.

Method 2. Non-judgmental observation. The philosopher Eckhart Tolle writes about this in his books. The point is to observe your thoughts and emotions, not judging them as good or bad, but simply paying attention to them – allowing them to be without doing anything with them.

Method 3. Vipassana meditation. The essence of the practice is to observe the physical sensations of your body without trying to get rid of them. It is better to do it at the same time of the day for 15-30 minutes. Sit cross-legged on a chair or mat on the floor with your back straight. Close your eyes and breathe through your nose. For the first few minutes, concentrate on the part of the body where the air enters the nose. Observe your feelings. After 3-5 minutes, shift the focus of attention to other parts of the body. According to a study by psychologists from the Massachusetts General Hospital, after 8 weeks of daily 20-minute meditation, physical changes occur in the brain, visible on MRI and CT scans – gray matter density decreases in areas of the brain responsible for stress, and increases – in areas responsible for awareness and empathy¹.

Method 4. Gratitude. Keep a separate notebook for her and at the end of each day write down at least one thing for which you can sincerely thank: yourself, the people with whom you communicated during the day (especially those who caused negative emotions), and the world in general.

Remembering the importance of acceptance, do not forget a simple truth: there will always be situations in life that do not suit us. At such moments, try to imagine yourself in a movie theater watching a new movie. If there were only positive characters in it, whose life is only getting better every minute, you would not watch it. Now look through a similar prism at your life and the events in it. After all, it’s more interesting to live when the events are different, like in a good movie, isn’t it?

¹ J. Carmody et al. «Mindfulness practice leads to increases in regional brain gray matter density», Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, 2011, № 30.