Laysan Utyasheva: “I allowed myself to become a woman”

“This does not mean that I am in an endless search for myself,” the TV star explains. “I just allow myself to change. I am very different. The husband laughs: “I am happy because I live with a huge number of women, and all of them are Laysan Utyasheva.”

Husband Pavel Volya is not only a friend and colleague, but also a business partner. He was one of the first to support his wife’s idea to create an unusual choreographic show together with a team of professional dancers and perform the main part in it.

On the eve of the premiere of the mystical theatrical and dance performance scheduled for May 21, we met with the famous gymnast and TV presenter to find out the details and talk about what this work could not have done without.

Psychologies: Laysan, you have already danced in the classical production of “Bolero” in the “Imperial Russian Ballet” by Gediminas Taranda, but your show features Ryan Otter’s electronic music, and the latest dance styles, as I understand it, are quite unusual for you. What are the feelings?

Stage directors Garik Rudnik and Katya Reshetnikova offered me a rebellious, daring script for the show based on modern street dances with elements of strip plastic. At first there was bewilderment: how am I — me! – Will I dance strip plastic? Me and street hip-hop? Vogue dance? Candid duet number?

Did you feel discomfort?

No, passion. Passion for the new has always been in my soul. After leaving gymnastics, I mastered the roles of an announcer, TV presenter, commentator from scratch … Then – the roles of wife and mother. Now the children let me go a little: Robert went to a preparatory class, Sophia went to kindergarten, they wanted to communicate with other children, get acquainted with society. And I have a resource to try something new.

Why were you attracted to this particular topic – the loneliness of a strong woman? Is it about you?

And about me too. I was a very quiet child who did not show initiative. But life has made me this way.

Which? Who is a strong woman for you?

This is the initiator of his life. The kind of woman who, perhaps, pulls the whole house on her. She was not brought everything ready on a silver platter, she is forced to go and, like a she-wolf, get her own food. Forced to be strong.

Why forced?

Because the girl sees how her mother works from morning to evening. And because the girl is not a parasite, not an egoist. And at the age of 12 she becomes an adult. She does not buy handbags for herself, but an apartment for her family. She earns money with her work in sports, saves money and brings it to her mother. Because she is ashamed that they are in such a situation.

Your words are resentful…

This is just an answer to a question. Life forced me to become strong. And of course, it hurts me, because any woman wants everything brought to her on a silver platter, right?

When did you feel this power in yourself?

At the age of 12 – when the first victories began, which brought money. Then I realized that I can make money on my own. And what I like about it is not to waste money on nonsense, but to buy a refrigerator for home.

At what point did you say to yourself: that’s it, I can not fight for a piece of bread, am I provided?

When we moved into our one-room apartment and fully furnished it. I was 14 years old. You know, my mother and I were like two she-wolves – they ran and ran, who would buy a sofa, who would hang the curtains. And when the nest was finally built, I looked at all this and burst into tears: Mom, how happy we are, we no longer need to rent an apartment, this is ours. At that moment, I realized: if you really honestly work and save, and not look around and envy – “but she has”, “and here he has”, – everyone has a chance to get out.

You call a strong woman the initiator of your life. But your own life in sports has been strictly regulated for many years, built into a rut. At what point did you feel that you could really become an author?

In the Tretyakov Gallery, when I saw Vrubel. I was then 14 years old. My mother and I had a ritual: on weekends, she took me to museums, to exhibitions. She did not force: “Let’s go, I said!” And she said this:

“Listen, you definitely need to see his sad eyes. He is so unhappy.

– Mom, who are you talking about?

– About Vrubel’s Demon. Let’s go see? You will fall in love with this picture, I know. I so want to share my feelings with you.

And when I first saw the sad eyes of the Demon, I froze in front of the picture as if rooted to the spot. I noticed what beautiful fresh flowers next to him – they did not wither. But his demonic power, it seemed, should destroy everything around.

I thought: who could the Demon love? Does he even know this feeling – love? And so I stood – my mother said, two hours – and suddenly I realized how much I like the world. A world in which people fantasize, paint pictures, live it. And everyone lives with something of their own, and I live with mine.

The next day I came to the gym so full that my coach Irina Viner immediately asked: “Where were you? You move completely differently on the carpet!”

So I discovered this ability in myself – to learn and enjoy new knowledge. It became interesting for me not just to throw a mace and catch it in time, but to fantasize, express my feelings. And it’s all thanks to my mom. She had a tremendous thirst for knowledge.

Imagine a girl from a strict Muslim family. She was told from childhood: do not jump out, the girl must learn how to cook, take care of her husband. What higher education? And my mother graduated with honors from school, she has two higher educations. Then she worked in libraries, instilled in high school students a love of good books and history. So she shaped me, very subtly, unobtrusively.

Mom said: sport is great, but you have to read, develop. I read Dale Carnegie when I was 11. Thanks to her, I mastered the role of radio and TV presenter.

How did it happen that you ended up on television?

I always willingly gave interviews and was not afraid of the microphone. And when I got seriously injured, I was invited to comment on gymnastics on NTV +. I was sure that this was temporary, that the cast would be removed soon and I would return to the sport. I really performed then for another two years, and quite successfully. I am the first gymnast in the world who returned to the big sport after 6 operations and two years of crutches.

But then again there was an injury, and I had to part with the sport completely. And it was a terrible moment. A giant gulf between a successful past and an unknown future. When you don’t get up for the third day in a row at 8 in the morning for choreography, fear and panic appear. There is a ringing silence around: my mother leaves for work, and I am left alone in the apartment. All my friends are gymnasts and they are in training. They say: “We will call you back when we leave the hall.” Fellow journalists also cheer and … do not call back.

And in this total silence, destructive questions come into my head and endless monologues sound: “I’m a coward. After all, I could still return to the sport and perform. And I could not stand it, lowered my hands. I’m going to make croutons. And fatter. I must have some fun.” I just started eating stress. In two months I gained 30 kg.

Such a terrible state lasted for six months – until the call of Alexei Nemov, who invited me to participate in his Show of Champions. We performed in different cities, and there I came to my senses a little: I saw how the public loves me, the audience claps like I’m an Olympic champion.

Gediminas Taranda, the creator of the Imperial Russian Ballet, noticed me and offered to work together. So I got a part in the ballet “Bolero”. Then they invited me to host “This Morning” on NTV, I mastered the announcer’s speech, learned to read the prompter, and all this went on in parallel: theater, television, master classes. I felt that I get great pleasure from it, that it is mine.

Many said: you are natural, alive – not like everyone else. And in the end, I plucked up courage, went to the general director of the NTV channel, Vladimir Mikhailovich Kulistikov, and offered to do my own program – “Exercising with Laysan Utyasheva”. I played him a cassette with my first experiments. He liked the idea so much that he immediately gave the go-ahead. This was my first initiative.

I felt that there were a lot of jackets on TV, serious, “plastic” faces (at least on federal channels) and very little lively emotions and drive. No wonder my charger has had high ratings for seven years.

Where do you see yourself in the future?

I will not guess. Today, television and the stage are my two alter egos, in which I am absolutely comfortable. On television, I want to revive the style of Angelina Vovk – I admired her demeanor, impressiveness, calmness of a real diva. It’s hard to describe, but her voice and smile are unforgettable. Now we have divas in the theater, cinema. And not on TV. And in “Dances” on TNT, in a live version, I strive to revive this type.

And the stage, dance movements to the music – this is, perhaps, my way of dialogue with the world. In the Bolero show, I can express what I feel more fully and deeper, show my attitude towards strong women who cause me both discontent and admiration at the same time. They do not lose their core, they hold on, but deep down they are terribly lost and are very afraid of loneliness. I dedicated this show to the memory of my mother.

Was she such a woman, too—strong, independent?

Life made her independent. At 19, she fell madly in love with my father. It seems to me that dad was the most prominent man in Ufa, the whole institute went crazy for him. And so my mother, as soon as she fell in love, immediately opened up to him. I think this is how she bribed her father. He met fifas who knew how to properly present themselves, pout their lips, laugh when necessary, dress properly. And she melted his heart with her spontaneity. And she married him right away.

Then I was born, and when I was 10 years old, my father left the family. After that, she never had a man – she physically did not let anyone near her. She loved only her father and did not hold a grudge against him. I resented him more than she did.

And now?

I forgave him a long time ago and understood. But you can’t rewrite life, can you? I don’t know what it’s like when dad picks you up from gymnastics. I don’t know what “I’ll call my dad, I’ve been offended” means. I know what it’s like to call my mother, and she will decide everything.

Your mother passed away too early, at 47. And it happened suddenly, within a few minutes. Grief that divided your life into “before” and “after”. I know that you then turned to psychologists. Did they help you in any way?

I don’t know who should be more indebted to – the work of psychologists or love. Psychologists led me to the conclusion that one should not be afraid to speak out on this topic, to cry. I remember that at every session I drew myself on paper. For a long time it was a small dot – now in the left, then in the right corner. I didn’t have any support at all. I didn’t understand who I was. And until my drawing turned into a large spiral in the center, they worked hard with me.

But still, the best psychologist in my life is Pavel. A man who for many years was only a friend, with whom we could talk for hours and who knows me – different ones. For him, I did not pretend, did not play a role. He was there when my mother died.

He was there not for beautiful painted eyes and not for my successes. At that moment, he felt that he loved me very much. He allowed me to say any nonsense, to remember my mother for any reason, with tears and without tears. He held my hand, worried next to me, was a support.

And that’s when I became a girl. The one that is good, probably, to be at five, six, nine years old. When you can afford to gradually become, grow up, not burdened by resentment and trauma. In my youth I was a she-wolf, and with Pavel I became soft, domestic. With him, I learned to ask for help.

“I want to sleep so much at night.” Pash, can you get up and feed the baby?

— Yes, of course, Lisa!

And this quality was discovered in me by love. Now I am not a warrior, but a girl, I allowed myself to become one.

6 years is not a long time for a mother to leave. The experience of happy moments accumulates, but the wound does not become smaller from this. Do you have ways to mitigate the pain?

The first thing the psychologist told me was: “Mom won’t like it that you cry and destroy yourself. She dreamed of seeing you confident, happy.” And it helps. I talk about her a lot. At such moments, it seems that she just left. I understand that it is not physically there, but I realize that it is in me, in my children, in my stories. Sophia was born, and she has the same eyes.

Are you worried that you did not have time to say goodbye to her, to apologize for something?

No, I apologized to my mother 500 times a day. For running away late at night. For saying something wrong, she did it. We talked about everything. And the happiness of any relationship is in conversations. And with Pasha we talk about all our problems. Well, tell me, how else would the other person know how you feel? He does not have the gift of clairvoyance.

You have a lot of wisdom. What about age? Are you afraid of old age?

No, I really want to become a grandmother and babysit my grandchildren. Of course, for this you need to stay healthy and cheerful, because you have to run after the kids. But even if I finally hire the most delicious chebureks and lagmans and hire a side – so be it. The main thing is not to be a burden for children, but to help them.

Does the number of wrinkles matter?

No. Pavel loves me even without makeup, with all my freckles.

What moment of your life would you like to relive?

I think all those Saturdays and Sundays with Mom. I would love to be with her again and talk to her even more. Many girls from the age of 22-23 start living with young people, and this is normal. And for a long time I did not want to part with my mother. Maybe it’s funny, but going to a restaurant with a guy, I always preferred an evening with my mother. All my friends were our mutual friends. They came to us outside the city, spent the night, grilled kebabs, sang songs with a guitar, read Akhmatova. And everyone fell in love with mom.

These evenings were like a dream, a fairy tale – the unity of close people, the flame of a fire, mother … That’s where I want to go. In those moments of happiness.