Laws of mutual attraction

The first impulse in any relationship always comes from our unconscious. It sort of scans the unconscious of another, and if it enters into resonance with it, then an instant reaction of recognition arises: this is my person! Only then do we try to explain to ourselves why this person attracted us. A special situation is passionate love.

During this period, we are completely captured by unconscious drives, we experience a state of «absolute unconsciousness», as the great analyst Carl Gustav Jung called it. So our interaction with people is subject to certain psychological laws, and when the decision is made by the unconscious, we are not free in ourselves.

Why among many people we choose this particular person

Usually this one and only becomes the one who is better than others in helping us to cope with two tasks. Or reveals certain facets of our «I», which before meeting with him remained unrealized. Or, thanks to communication with this person, we can keep in the unconscious some part of our ideas about ourselves, which frightens us too much, is too painful. For example, a woman grew up in a family where she unquestioningly obeyed her parents, and now it is difficult for her to be independent.

Most likely, she will “choose” either a self-confident, assertive man, communication with whom will teach her to be more persistent and tough, or as soft and resigned as herself: this will help her leave her lack of independence in the “shadow”. In both cases, her choice will not be completely random: most likely, these men have similar unconscious complexes and conflicts, they could have had similar relationships with their parents.

We also choose a partner rationally (more often this applies to love relationships, not friendships), but the unconscious, in this case, sooner or later will make itself felt. For example, a woman, having weighed all the pros and cons, decides that this man will be an ideal husband for her, that with him she will realize her ideas about family life.

However, on the eve of the wedding, she may suddenly change her mind, succumbing to some (inexplicable) impulse. So, at the last moment, her unconscious, protesting against this marriage, takes over and opens the way to finding another way to choose a partner.

There are several reasons for this. On the one hand, we have similar upbringing, family relationships, level of education, and therefore these people are understandable to us. Such recognition gives a sense of security: we can predict how our relationship will develop, how this person will behave in certain circumstances.

We, as a rule, speak the same language, we equally read the semitones, the nuances of situations and relationships. But, in addition, this can be explained by the influence of the «Super-I» — an internal judge, controller, thanks to which we behave in accordance with the rules, norms and ideals accepted in our environment.

Why friends or partners sometimes close on each other and do not notice other people

This happens when the unconscious dominates the relationship. There is a so-called fusion complex, a state in which partners mutually project their unconscious, forming a single cocoon, and they no longer need to communicate with others. Archaic emotions (fear, anger) become the main ones in a couple, the mood of the partners is constantly changing, the attitude towards the other fluctuates from admiration to disgust. And one’s own life is felt as unlived, a person is confused. And of course, there is no energy, no strength to communicate with others.

Why are we sometimes attracted to people who harm us?

Everyone has qualities that are difficult to recognize in ourselves, because they are unacceptable for our personality — Jung called this unconscious part of the personality «shadow». And these are not necessarily negative traits: hostility, envy, anger … So, for an accommodating girl, the ability to insist on her own can become a “shadow” trait, and for a man who is proud of his brutality, tenderness and vulnerability. Without accepting some part of ourselves, we project these qualities onto other people (most often a partner), and then perceive them as the source of our problems.

For example, someone who cannot admit to himself his stinginess will blame his partner for it and suffer from this “lack” of his. But in fact, by blaming others, we allow ourselves to remain unaware of the painful or unpleasant parts of our personality. That is why we do not break off relations with such a partner: because thanks to him we are spared the need to see our own shortcomings. Often, in order to understand what makes us enter into such relationships and maintain them, we need to undergo psychotherapy. But it also happens that the partners themselves start a dialogue — it helps everyone discover and recognize their «shadow» qualities.

How do we gain freedom of choice?

Jung was convinced that the «problematic» aspects of the personality are the potential for change, self-disclosure, healing. Once we dare to face ourselves courageously, we will take the first step towards building our own self. In other words, we develop in a collision or in contact with other people, we understand ourselves better, we recognize those traits of ours that were previously in the unconscious and “forced” us to choose this particular partner.

And the more self-aware we become, the freer we become in choosing friends or lovers. After all, when we stop running from ourselves, we find that we are not equal to ourselves: we have advantages, but there are also disadvantages. By recognizing them, we can accept changes in our partners, we begin to see them more voluminously, all their strengths and weaknesses. And this helps us to experience true interest in them and genuine intimacy with them.