Laws of attraction: what attracts us to each other?

Can we make someone fall in love with us? What is the physical attraction of people to each other based on? Many articles and books offer advice on how to attract potential partners. In them, according to social psychologist Daniel Stalder, you can find a lot of misconceptions, but also useful information too.

Stalder lists five “pillars” on which the physical attraction of people to each other is built.

1. Beauty

There is external beauty, and then we are talking about classic physical attraction or “chemistry”. But there is also inner beauty, which refers to character or spiritual qualities. The way we look and the kind of person we are can attract another. Obviously, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Of course, there are generally accepted standards of beauty, which can vary from culture to culture and from decade to decade, depending on who currently occupies the Hollywood “throne”. Clothing, hair and make-up can provide some benefits.

But even within the same culture and era, ideas about beauty differ significantly. This is called “type” or “type”. We can find something attractive in a person who at first seemed uninteresting to us, and vice versa.

We are guided by prejudices, the sources of which may be different. For example, the stereotypes of the group to which we ourselves belong or the desired partner: racial, religious, professional, and so on. Or perhaps the person simply reminds of a previous partner.

Our preferences can be influenced by the series, movies and programs we watch. In particular, studies show that after massive viewing of a beauty pageant on the big screen, most of us would rate potential partners with average looks as much less interesting.

It is also important that there are features that are almost universally considered attractive. For example, in women it is kindness, facial symmetry and a certain ratio of waist and hips. But basically beauty is still a subjective concept.

2. Proximity

It turns out that the more often two people see each other, the more likely they are to be attracted to each other. This is called the simple exposure effect. At the same time, proximity is an important but not sufficient condition for mutual attraction.

3. Similarity

Birds of a feather flock together. Most attracted to people who are close in appearance, beliefs, interests, and so on. After all, if someone likes the same thing as us, he has good taste!

Such reasoning is generated by a healthy ego, since imitation is the highest form of flattery. And besides, the exchange of opinions and interests will allow two people to have a good time together, as opposed to communicating with someone who considers the other’s hobbies stupid and disagrees with him or her on matters of principle.

According to Daniel Stadler, there is only one dimension that supports the idea of ​​”opposites attract”, namely, submission and dominance. Dominant personality types are attractive to those who like to be ordered, and vice versa.

However, do not go to extremes. A romantic partner will never be our clone. There will always be differences, moreover, over time they can become frustrating and annoying. But this is a natural stage that a couple goes through.

4. Realizing that another likes us

This factor Stalder calls the most difficult. We are more likely to feel attracted to another if we know that he likes us. Again, the ego is to blame. If someone finds us attractive, then he or she has good taste. When we ourselves show interest in him, he also begins to think that we can choose the best. This can create a cycle in which mutual attraction grows.

“A well-intentioned colleague may lie to me about the woman I work with, saying that she likes me, even if it’s not true. His words will arouse my interest in her, this woman will notice him and begin to be attracted to me, – Stalder gives an example. We go on a date – and voila! We announce our engagement in six months. Is it possible? Absolutely, assuming that we have common interests with her and we are at least somewhat attractive to each other.

5. Non-sexual arousal

It turns out that the brain can be deceived in this too. Such arousal can be mistaken for sexual, which will increase the attractiveness of the partner. In a study where subjects walked across a dangerous suspension bridge, men confused the physiological arousal caused by a rickety bridge with attraction to a woman walking across it. The rapid heart rate and breathing were not originally related to her, but “turned” into evidence of sexual arousal.

This effect is called arousal maldistribution and can be exploited by having a first date on a rollercoaster or watching a horror movie.

CONCLUSIONS

“So, if you want to get someone interested, try going through the list. Try to look as good as possible, based on the “type” of the partner. Make it so that your paths cross, but avoid pursuit. Pay attention to what your similarities are, at least by looking at the pages of a potential partner in social networks. Make sure that your interest in this person is noticeable – but, again, do not overdo it and pursue him. Finally, try a rollercoaster ride together on one of your first dates,” Stalder suggests with some irony.

Of course, you need to understand that for each couple, the paths of love are unique. But as soon as two people have a relationship, they begin to resemble each other more and more and feel the attraction more and more. Enthusiasm helps both downplay the shortcomings of the one next to them and underestimate the attractiveness of other potential partners.

Love is blind, and there is a positive meaning to this. And not just because she could be fooled by a roller coaster. So some delusions have a right to exist, helping in love.

About the author: Daniel Stalder is a social psychologist.