Contents
Laura Chica, on self-love: «If you really knew yourself, you would love yourself much more than you love yourself»
Psychology
The psychologist Laura Chica develops her method for working on “self-love” in a book with practical tools to learn to listen to, understand and take care of oneself
«Autoamor». Singular masculine name. 1. Self love. 2. Love you in a way unconditional beyond context, showing respect, care and love for you. 3. Love for oneself. Respect, care and unconditional love. Beyond the Self esteem, which is a social comparison, self-love is love from the depths of oneself, regardless of the environment and circumstances. Self-love is feeling love for yourself. This could be the definition of “self-love.” But the truth is that no, that the word “self-love” does not appear in the dictionary nor does it have the approval of the RAE … “Still”, specifies the author of this concept, the psychologist and specialist in talent management Laura Chica, who is convinced that sooner rather than later it will appear not only in our “emotional”, but also also in our vocabulary. In fact, he has already made a formal request for academics to study that possibility.
He has just published the book that bears precisely this title “Self-love” and in it he shows us that life, the ties with others, the way of loving, successes and dreams are a reflection of the relationship one has with oneself And that is why it is so important to learn to listen to yourself, understand yourself and take care of yourself or, ultimately, learn to love yourself but without conditions. Without conditions? We learn with her the keys to her method of “self-love.”
How is “self-love” different from “self-esteem”?
One of the definitions of the Self esteem that psychologists use the most is that it is the assessment that you make of yourself, therefore we would be talking about a social comparison. Let’s say that, if we had to place self-esteem in the body, it would be in the head. But self-love is love from the depths of oneself, regardless of the environment and circumstances and would be in the heart. “Self-love” is taking care of what you are, protecting what you are, respecting your own feelings, doing things that make us feel good, and stop doing what makes us feel bad.
The word self-esteem always fell short of me. It is not a concept that I use, it does not represent me. When I began to work with everything that leads us to love ourselves in an unconditional way, beyond the context and circumstances, showing respect and care for oneself, I walked without knowing it towards the concept of self-love that transcends self-esteem. the latter is linked to circumstances and self-love is unconditional.
“Self-love” is something that we are not taught and that is why I have felt the need to define it, break it up and give it shape.
And if they never taught us, how can we know if we have to work on our “self-love”?
We can know it when we reject ourselves, when we make judgments about ourselves, when we do not support each other, when we let go of the hand in difficult moments, when we do not recognize our individual and personal value, when we do not believe in ourselves or in our dreams … I always say that in In reality, the basis of everything is that we do not know each other “in essence” because if we really knew each other, all that would not happen to us. What fails us is the gaze, you have to change your gaze and you have to know yourself to look at yourself with different eyes.
And where do you start?
The «model 10A» that I include in the book includes the key parts that make up the concept of «self-love», a whole that is reflected in three dimensions of being: (How I relate to myself, how I relate to others and how I relate to life. But also within each of the parts we must always follow the same path, which begins with the moment in which I realize what is happening and that continues with the way in which I am walking that path until I come to love myself more. This is a process that I have described as follows: put light, observe, understand, embrace and love. In that order. Thus, to put light is to raise awareness, that is, I realize that I am rejecting myself, that I am in judgment with myself continuously, that I am not loving myself and that I am not believing in myself. That “I realize” is to put light. From there I watch myself and observe my behavior. Later I understand myself (without judgment) because everything that we are is the result of a learning path acquired throughout our lives. Then I hug myself and embrace what I am (which is the most complicated step because we tend to reject what we don’t like) and from there is when I learn to love myself. This path is a cycle that is linked to each of the elements of model 10A. If I am able to shine a light and understand where something comes from that makes me suffer or that activates a wound, it is inevitable that he will hug me because I understand that it is not something reactive but that it comes from a part of me.
When we reject a part of ourselves, we are rejecting ourselves completely. And we do that often. But that is not self-love. We have to learn to integrate what we don’t like in order to truly love ourselves. Living self-love does not consist in thinking if “I have it” or “I don’t have it”, but rather it is about going a little more towards that concept each day through small actions and with everything that I am so that I go away. getting a little closer to me. The most beautiful thing about this is that it is a path.
The keys to the «10A model»
1. Self-knowledge and unconditional self-acceptance. The first step to love yourself is to know yourself, discover yourself and accept yourself, each one with their possibilities and limitations, with their mistakes and their value.
2. Self-care and respect. Learn to feel what is needed, become aware and allow to give it to oneself.
3. Self-compassion and kind love. Learn to love yourself when the person does not love yourself. To take care of yourself when you need it.
4. Self-emotional self-validation. How one relates to their emotions: from rejection or denial, or from acceptance and positive management.
5. Affirmation of the body and sexuality. Self-affirmation through the acceptance of your own body and your sexuality.
6. Self-confidence and self-leadership. Knowing yourself is also learning to trust yourself, knowing your strengths and personal resources, and feeling that you are leading your life.
7. Self-worth and gratitude. Feel the value that you have inside. Feeling worthy of love and success. Relate from safety.
8. Soul and essence. Feeling connected to the soul. Detach from the ego and be essence.
9. Assertiveness and healthy relationships. Be true to yourself. Establish healthy limits in relationships and learn to relate from self-respect.
10. Attitude to life. From self-love, the attitude towards life is more positive because the person relates from love and not from lack or comparison.
In addition to the “model 10” you provide 55 + 1 keys that help to navigate that path. Which ones are important in the context we are living in?
Respect for the times of each one and the processes of each one, without comparing them and respecting the cycles and the ends of the cycles. When something ends in life but we remain clinging to it because we are afraid to assume that we must start over (be it work or emotional bonding), it is important to understand that your “me” from yesterday does not have to be your “me” from today. Self-love also assume and accept from love that a cycle has ended.
Other issues are also important such as: embrace the shadows of each one or of what we do not like, the forgiveness to ourselves, the “No judgment” to personal history or our own life and give ourselves permission to live, feel and connect with our heart, our soul and our intuition by trusting in our strengths.
Perhaps the person who approaches this concept for the first time thinks about it in a selfish, cynical or even self-centered way …
I think it will be one of the surprises that readers get. It is not a selfish book but a generous one. When you learn to respect your own deadlines and processes, you learn that the same or similar circumstance requires a different time in each moment of life and you also learn to respect the deadlines and processes of others. That is why self-love, far from being an act of selfishness or cynicism, is related to love of others from love of oneself. Thus, I learn to relate from love with the world and with others to the extent that I learn to love myself because love is respecting and caring. It is a love that expands. How could I respect, care for and care for others if I don’t know how to do it with myself? If I do not know how to do it from love, I will do it from fear, dependence or the need to be loved. But that is just the opposite way of self-love.
Tools to love yourself more
The psychologist Laura Chica also shares tools of her own creation such as the “wheel of self-love” or the “best selflove” and mentions others that were useful in her path of self-discovery, such as “the five wounds of childhood”, “the law of mirror, ‘the nine enneagram types or the masculine and feminine energies. «In the practical part of the book I provide techniques for all those who want to work with this concept and do not know where to start. The idea is not to be pigeonholed into something concert but to know formulas that help us to understand ourselves so that, from there, we can begin to walk to love ourselves », he says.