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LAT couples: Is it true that living together kills love in the couple?
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Not together, not scrambled, but in love. The «Living apart together» (LAT) formula is a growing phenomenon in second, third or fourth «round» couples
Living together (in sentimental harmony) but not mixed up (in marital coexistence) seems to be a growing trend in the field of couple relationships. It is what is known as LAT couples (acronym for «Living apart together», which means precisely that, living apart but together) and it is a phenomenon that has been studied through the experience of her patients by psychologist Laura S. Moreno, an expert in couple relationships at the Women’s Psychological Area. These types of couples are those who, although they maintain a stable relationship and with a certain commitment, have decided by mutual agreement not to live in the same address.
The formula arouses interest and in some cases even envy, but also a certain suspicion because socially the solidity or success of this type of couples is questioned. We dispel some false myths about the so-called “LAT couples” with the psychologist Laura S. Moreno:
Is coexistence essential to be successful in the couple?
Well, many will tell you that precisely what the couple is charged with is coexistence. It is true that some people think that being in a couple implies sharing the same roof and that for them coexistence is essential. However, this LAT (“Living Apart Together”) partner option, which is an alternative to living together, convinces those who want to preserve some characteristics of the couple in terms of faithfulness y exclusiveness, for example, but without it being necessary to live together. What this formula prevents is the wear and tear of coexistence.
It is a feasible option, yes, but not for everyone. Some people prefer to follow a standard partner line, which is somewhat more socially accepted. Others, however, feel better deviating from that standard line and social pressure. And this of not following the line that everyone follows is something that can happen in many areas, both in the couple, as in work, the way of living or even in the family.
What characterizes «LAT» or «Living Apart Together» couples?
Although it can be considered at any age, it is likely that this way of thinking does not arise or is not frequent if the couple wants to have children in common or if they want to try coexistence because they have not yet lived that experience … But in reality the age group in the one that is more feasible and more likely that this type of couple will be successful is from the 45 years. Many of the people of this age have already experienced a previous coexistence (which may or may not be truncated due to any circumstance) and also in some cases they have already gone through the experience of having children … However, they feel good, eager, and they are willing to give love a second, a third, a fourth, a fifth (or even more) chance. Love has no age. What they do not want to live again is the experience of living together.
Why?
Well, for many reasons. Some feel that “their home” is “their home” and they do not want to live with anyone. Others have children who are almost teenagers and do not want complicate the family unit with coexistence and others simply because it is uncomfortable for them or they do not want to leave their home to go live with the other person or they do not want the other person to live in their home. But these are just a few examples, there may be many other reasons, which are very particular.
But what all of them are likely to have in common is that from these ages there is a philosophy or a way of living life as a couple in another way, which does not necessarily have to go through coexistence, or through share costs. They want to preserve their finances, their things, their heritage… but they also want to share moments and experiences with their partner (traveling together, enjoying leisure, talking, loving each other…). They consider that person your life partner, but they prefer not to live in the same house on a day-to-day basis. The key to success for these types of couples is that both are clear that they do not want to live together.
Before he has made reference to the socially accepted and the social pressure to be a traditional couple. Isn’t it considered a serious relationship socially?
There is something called envy and that is in the background of all this. People have a tendency to make everyone walk the right path. I remember when years ago I went to my friends’ weddings and there they kept telling me how wonderful it was to get married and have children. However, when you spoke with those people with an open heart, they would confess that getting married was a horrible trauma and that having children was not as beautiful as they painted it because when children reached adolescence they became people who had nothing to do with them. . But with this, which may seem extreme, what I really mean is that sometimes it is intended that you live that experience that they have lived, with its good things and with its bad things, and that you are not different.
Is the different punished?
I am a strong advocate for people who are different from others. I think you have to assert yourself and no one can direct your life. If you decide with your partner that this is the type of relationship that works for them, it can already be open, with or without cohabitation, with someone of the same or different sex, the only important thing is that both agree. You don’t have to live all day pending the acceptance of others.
In addition to accepting both, what requirements must be met for a LAT couple to work?
Having the same mindset can make things easier, but also the fullfilment of security requirements and confidence in oneself and in the other. Why? Well, because if you have a controlling personality or if one of them is jealous or jealous, or even if you have previously experienced betrayal or deception, it is difficult for that person to consider following a formula of these characteristics.
It can also help to make sure that each of them has a professional plot in which they move well, that they like it and that allows them to feel fulfilled. It is true that this is not essential, but it is easier than if it happens that one of them has to spend the whole day at home, without occupation. And the fact of having a social circle of friends and family that they respect that way of living as a couple and that they do not censor or question it.
In short, being a LAT couple is something that has to connect with the person and with their vital moment, because it does not have to be something immovable and definitive. With one person you can function well as a LAT couple and then you can perfectly fall in love with another person with whom you want to live.
From the experience with the testimonies of your patients, what is the best thing about being a LAT couple?
They save the coexistence wear. And this is something that is detailed in depth, with very clear and concrete examples, by many of the people who have already lived together and who later choose this formula.
The point is that although some people can be totally compatible at the level of a couple, then the staging within the home can be complicated. They can love each other madly and not be able to live together, since they do not coincide in concepts such as order, the dynamics of coexistence, tasks, customs, schedules …
Other advantages reported by those who have tried it is that they retain their Privacy, his way of running the house and his economy. And the latter is important because on many occasions the fact of living separately implies having completely separate economies. That makes them split expenses when they go on a trip, when they go out to dinner or when they go to the movies. Each one pays his own and has a very clear conscience of what belongs to one and what belongs to the other.
And what is the worst thing or what can you miss as a LAT couple?
There are people who need the physical contact, the affected presence… They are people who, naturally, are more cuddly, more affectionate … They miss that immediate affection, that natural, spontaneous and immediate presence that coexistence implies because with this “distance” formula, immediacy in contact is something that it is lost, with all the consequences. Some people really enjoy being able to approach their partner at any time, speak in his ear and make love to him or bring him a cup of tea or share a confidence or an idea. That part, which for some people does not have to be vital, it can be for others. And it’s normal because that complicity generates valuable links.
Coexistence has very bad parts, but if the couple is compatible and those small disagreements or disagreements that are inherent to life together are regulated, coexistence can create connection and a couple glue that is good too.
A call that is not answered, an unread WhatsApp, an appointment cancellation … Can the fact of being a LAT couple generate extra conflicts related to communication?
I do not believe it. I believe that these types of couples have to create codes of communication accepted by both and adapted to the circumstances of not living together. Accepting them is part of personal maturity.
Is being a LAT couple an increasingly common trend?
I think it is in the group of which we have spoken, more adult or more senior, Let’s say. The explanation is that 30 years ago few people considered having a new partner if they were left alone at 50, 60 or 70 years old, but now they do, even when they are older.
The point of view is different on what has been lived and on what remains to be lived. But it is true that nowadays “LAT couples” do not want to give too many explanations about what they are or about the type of relationship they have. But I have the feeling that when that stigma or that social pressure is passed a little, there will be more people who bet on this formula.