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Larisa Surkova: Do not adjust your life for children, interviews
A well-known psychologist and mother of many children told how to bring independence in a child.
Any parent wants his child to grow up as a self-sufficient person, but not everyone is ready to put in an effort. And the point here is far from laziness. Many compassionate mothers and grandmothers are so frightened by the dangers of the world around them, real and imaginary, that they are not ready to leave the baby for a second. At the same time, often the baby is no longer a baby, but a completely healthy, mature teenager, only it doesn’t get any easier – they will clean the room for him, and all decisions will be made. And then they are surprised that the baby has long gone through puberty, and has not learned how to wash socks.
Don’t tailor your life to fit your kids. If you integrate the child into yours, you will not lose yourself. And this is very important and valuable both for you and for the children.
Infantilism is not a diagnosis, but a long-established norm, now even a special term has been invented – “crisis of a quarter of life.” 25-year-old adults who suffer from this terrible ailment do not feel that way, they perceive and behave like children. And then some other scientists proposed to move the upper bar of adolescence to 24 years – soon there will be solid Peter Pans all around.
It may seem to some that there is nothing wrong with this, but sooner or later everyone will have to face the harsh reality. Of course, realizing the gravity of his situation, an infantile can turn to a psychologist for help, but after all, teaching a child is much easier than retraining an adult. This suggests the only logical conclusion: children need to be taught independence, and the sooner the better.
Raising independence in children is a long, painstaking process that requires truly angelic patience. There are a few common mistakes that perhaps most moms and dads make.
1. “I’ll do it for you”
Some elementary things are really much easier and faster for us to do ourselves than to wait for our little one to cope with them: to tie the laces, put things in the closet, even bring a spoon to the mouth. And yet, it is important to give the kids some freedom and forgive them for mistakes, without which no training takes place. If a child says to you: “I myself!”, Do not dissuade him. Scold if you fail too.
2. Hyperopia
A very common and one of the saddest parenting models. Don’t go anywhere, don’t talk to anyone, sit at home and read books. It is clear that letting a 6-year-old child wander the dark streets alone is at least a reckless idea, but on the whole dangerous. But if you keep him in a golden cage, then he will never know that there, in the big world, and will hide behind his mother’s skirt all his life. Indeed, why make your own decisions if your parents will do it for you? And if you do something, they will take responsibility for themselves. However, moderation is important in everything: excessive connivance and permissiveness will lead, oddly enough, to the same disastrous result.
3. Dad and Mom did not agree
An independent child is a self-confident child, and therefore try to avoid inconsistency in your own actions. If mom praises for the same act, and dad scolds, their child simply does not have the courage to do something on his own, because you can get a hat for anything.
We are responsible for what we have done
So, we figured out the errors. But that’s not all the pitfalls. Just giving the child freedom is not enough – you need to explain what kind of animal it is and how to behave with it. Both adults and children should be held accountable for all their decisions and actions. This does not mean that you need to educate young Spartans, but there should not be a situation of permissiveness in the house. Suppose your son asks you for a car, you buy him a toy, but on the condition that he will treat it with care. A few days later, only spare parts remain from the machine, and the child asks for another one. On the one hand, you cannot follow his lead, after all, you made an agreement, and he did not keep his word, on the other hand, it also makes no sense to put him in a corner on peas. A sufficient punishment for him will be the need to be responsible for his act – to sit without a new toy.
It is very important that the child has a role model – someone they admire. It’s good if it is a hero close to him in age and behavior. For example, the main character of the animated series “Ben 10” (aired on Cartoon Network). He is only 10 years old. At this young age, he becomes the owner of an alien watch, with which Ben can turn into superheroes. Very soon Ben has to understand that this device is not a toy, because with its help you can save the Earth, or you can destroy all of humanity. Surely many boys and girls would dream of being in Ben’s place, which means that he can be used as a model. This approach is also good in that the new model of behavior is not imposed, but is presented in an attractive form.
Children should be able to occupy themselves. Almost all moms and dads are now working, and you won’t be able to rely on grandparents forever. Of course, if you put the child in the middle of the apartment and let him go to all four sides, this experiment will most likely end in a mass pogrom. What can be done in this case? Designate a place to store toys, books, creative materials, and anything else your son or daughter might be interested in. Just explain first that if instead of a sheet of paper they paint a sheet, then they will have to sleep on it later.
Of course, one should not expect from a three-year-old toddler that he will cook borscht for the whole family and re-paste the wallpaper – everything has its time. It is important to remember that everything is individual here, all children develop in different ways and you should not force them to do what they are simply unable to do. However, general tendencies in the formation of personality are still visible. Young children, from 1 to 3 years old, can already put their toys, clothes and other items in the right places. They are quite capable of making elementary decisions like which blouse to wear today: red or blue.
Preschoolers can already be entrusted with simple chores around the house: watering flowers, setting the table, feeding pets and, of course, cleaning up their room.
When a child goes to school, his studies begin. It is his, not yours. Therefore, let him do his homework, collect a portfolio and fill out a diary.
In a word, it is necessary to acquaint kids with the concepts of “independence” and “responsibility” from a very early age, then it will be much easier for you and them to grow and develop together.