Is it true that men are much more sexually active than women? And why do married couples lose interest in the intimate side of life over the years? The psychoanalyst explains.
What usually happens is that after a period of insane passion, men and women begin to complain about each other’s sexual needs. Men want more sex and women want less. The most common reasons for refusing to have sex are lack of energy and time after the birth of children and age. In addition, men are more sensitive than women to a decrease in the sexual attractiveness of a partner.
As a rule, men are more likely to suffer from sexual dissatisfaction than women. Both of them give all sorts of reasons for not having sex — the need to make time for the child, lack of sleep, overwork, emotional disorders, traumatic past experiences, situational difficulties (the inability to be alone).
But whatever the objective reasons, the lack of sex or its absence is a source of great frustration, especially for a partner with high sexual needs. Sex is important because the rise and fall of sex drive shows how well the couple is doing in other areas.
Men complain about the reluctance of women to have sex, and women complain about the lack of attention and care from men.
It’s all about the different attitudes of men and women. The vast majority of men believe that attraction implies sexual activity. The vast majority of women believe that the purpose of attraction is love and emotional intimacy.
Perhaps what I am about to say is cynical, but not far from the truth: men talk to women in order to sleep with them, and women sleep with men in order to talk.
The difference in worldview — coupled with the mistaken belief that others think the same way as we do — leads to difficulties in communication and misunderstanding. Men complain about the reluctance of sex on the part of women, and women, in turn, about the lack of attention and care from men. At the same time, both of them are worried that romance disappears from their relationship. Making love turns into a mechanical act, in which — especially in women — all interest is lost.
Numerous studies have confirmed that in the life of the vast majority of women there are quite long periods of absolute indifference to sex. Too many women are too tired or too busy with children to think about sexual needs.
Studies that asked women and men to list their occupations found that while most men consistently prioritized sex, women preferred knitting, gardening, shopping, or watching TV. As the old joke says: “My wife and I have a division of duties: I lust for her without fail, she lustfully goes into denial.”
As a rule, male sexual attraction is not only stronger, but also more persistent. In women, it is cyclical. Many women experience increased desire for only a few days a month when they are fertile. Closer to ovulation, they begin to fantasize about sexual themes, masturbate more often, initiate sex with a partner, wear provocative outfits, and visit places where they can meet a man.
Of course, this does not mean that women do not have sex on other days, but from an evolutionary point of view, their interest in it increases significantly during the most favorable periods for conception. Men, on the other hand, are constantly in a state of “combat readiness”.
In addition to the above differences, the degree of sexual desire is influenced by other factors — experience, culture and circumstances.
Women’s sexual attraction is diverse and unpredictable. Among women there are even those who, according to them, have never experienced anything special and do not understand why so much attention is paid to this. Some, on the contrary, think about sex very often.
Women who have been living with one partner for years rarely experience outbursts of passion. Their desire is more often manifested in response to appropriate stimulation from the partner. In other words, desire follows sexual arousal. And not vice versa.
If a married couple does not revive their relationship in any way, differences in sexual needs and attitudes eventually lead to a break or ties on the side. The peak of extramarital affairs for a woman occurs at the end of their reproductive age. Perhaps this is how their conscious or unconscious desire to change partners appears while they are still fertile.
Men often confuse the need for love and intimacy with the need for sex. That’s why it’s so hard for them to just be friends with women.
As for men who share feelings and sex, in their case adultery is usually explained by boredom and loss of physical attractiveness by a partner.
Men often confuse the need for love and intimacy with the need for sex. This explains why it is so difficult for them to just be friends with women who seem attractive to them. There is always a sexual aspect to their relationship.
In addition, a man expects that a woman a priori has a sexual interest in him. This erroneous assumption, coupled with the tendency to flirt characteristic of some women, can turn into an explosive cocktail. Persistent courtship is quickly replaced by sexual aggression and violence. And this is worth remembering for those who still do not understand that «no» really means «no», and not «maybe» or «just try a little more.»
Men underestimate women’s aversion to sexual aggression. Our misconceptions about the sexual attitudes of the other sex partly explain why most women have moments in their lives when their partners or acquaintances behave sexually inappropriately towards them and why men often do not show proper empathy for victims of rape. Therefore, men should develop the capacity for empathy and dialogue.
About the Author: Manfred Kets de Vries is a psychoanalyst and best-selling author of positive psychology at INSEAD Business School.