Many problems in the development of the child today are explained by the lack of parental attention and love. If we are talking about street or neglected children, the problem situation is obvious, but what is the real root of the problem — the lack of parental love or elementary parental control, the question is open.
At least the children’s complaints: «Parents, my problems are due to the fact that you don’t really love me (love me enough)!» — a fairly cheap razvodovka, playing the Unfortunate Victim.
To talk about shortage or in excess parental attention and love, you need to have data on the prescribed norm. However, there are no norms balanced or approved by anyone, how much attention and love at different ages is due to a child from parents for his normal development.
There is some clarity only with the first year of a child’s life. It has already been proven, at least on monkeys (See first of all Harlow’s experiments), that physical contact with the mother (or at least her substitute — father, grandmother, nanny) is really very important for a baby up to a year old. At least at an early age, emotional warmth, parental affection is much more important for the development of the child, including the development of his intellect, than any other form of activity and education.
Mentally retarded children kept in special shelters were attached to a kind of fake surrogate mother; such mothers were mentally retarded women kept in the same shelter. Two years later, special measurements showed that the level of intelligence in children increased by an average of 20-30 points; at the same time, the level of intelligence in the children of the control group decreased. These mothers obviously could not conduct any kind of developmental activities with their children: no mathematical circles, no puzzles, no intellectual games. All they could do was hug children, kiss them, swaddle them, and in general make out with them in every possible way. And so, it turns out that, at least at a certain age, emotional warmth, parental affection is much more important for the development of the child, including the development of his intellect, than any other form of activity and learning! — from the book by Uri Bronfenbrenner «Two Worlds of Childhood. Children in the USA and the USSR (Moscow: Progress, 1976)
However, physical contact is not the same as love. The fact that a mother holds a baby in her arms, nurses him, breastfeeds, respectively, gives physical warmth and stroking, can be both a manifestation of the mother’s love for the child, and simply a manifestation of her cultural level: she knows what to do with the baby, and does This. After a year, the need for physical contact with the mother decreases, and what after that is considered a manifestation of maternal or paternal love for the child is largely an open question.
Jean Ledloff, the most ardent propagandist of the need for love for a child, notes that among the Yekuana Indians, where the most harmonious children grow up, parents communicate little with their children. They don’t play, they don’t talk, they don’t devote special time: they limit themselves to everyday orders. I quote:
“It is interesting to note that among the Yekuan, language communication between adults and children is reduced to the simplest phrases like: “Wait here” or “Give me this.” The system of linguistic communication is stratified: children of about the same age communicate verbally with each other to the full extent, as the difference in age verbal communication decreases. The lives and interests of boys and girls are so different that they hardly talk to each other, and even adults rarely talk for a long time with members of the opposite sex. The mother never enters into communication with the child first and participates in this communication only passively. It is the child who finds her and shows her by his behavior what he wants. She readily fulfills his desires in full, but that’s all. In all cases, the child plays an active role, while the mother plays a passive role: he comes to her to sleep when he is tired, and to eat when he is hungry.
Such an attitude, to be precise, is not love, but warm benevolence (we do not discuss that in many families there is not enough elementary benevolence towards each other. This is a matter of culture and good breeding, not love). This is not love, but children, I repeat, grow up healthy and happy. How developed is another question. It seems that warm motherly love for the child is extremely important to the child in infancy, with the maturation of the child, its need gradually decreases, and parental demands and developmental procedures become more important.
There is also no certainty in the question of what is considered parental attention and love, given at least the topic of love languages. Suppose parents spend time with their child (this is their love language), and the child sniffs: “Here, they don’t buy me ice cream!” (this is his love language).
We conducted a pilot study: the majority of children aged 5 to 10 years old responded to the question “What is the love of parents for you? When do you feel that your parents love you? after they understand the question (this is not always easy), they answer: “When my parents buy me what I want” and “When my parents allow me what I want”.
The assumption that there is a universal real manifestation of true love that all children will always understand is, apparently, still a myth. Perhaps, children most of all need attentive parents who know how to feel, understand, and do what is necessary for their development. You need to maintain contact with children, you need to work with children, children need to be developed. And how to call it — the culture of parents, parents understand their duties or parental love, probably, is not so important anymore.
In itself, the lack of parental love is not a catastrophe. As Talleyrand wrote, in his time, parental love was the exception rather than the rule, but against this historical background, those who made up the color of the Enlightenment grew out of small children.
Mom over the Internet — a little bit.
download video
Talking about the lack of children of parental attention to children-rather, pedagogical suggestions-swirls, so that the parents will come off the TVs, sitting on Facebook and turning their attention to the children: walked with them, played with them, talked with them. It is clear that it is more useful for children to be close to their parents, therefore it is more useful to inspire parents that their children do not have enough parental warmth and attention.
However, not everything is so obvious here. If the parents are anxious or stupid, then it is better if such parents pester the child less often: he himself will find something to do with more benefit.
Of course, in an atmosphere of love, framed by parental demands, children live happier and develop better, but parental attention and love do not exhaust everything that a child needs. In addition to love, a child needs developing activities and high-quality samples for development. If parents are anxious and emotionally retarded, it is highly likely that children will follow their example and sooner or later become retarded themselves. Dear parents, if it seems to you that your child could study better and be less goofy to others, do not rush to sigh: “Probably, he lacks our parental love.” Perhaps the reason is completely different, and these reasons can be many. It may very well be that he lacks on your part culture samples, elementary help to the child and the ability to organize his life. Perhaps you lack not love, but your own organization: you lack the necessary knowledge and discipline to embody your parental intentions. And the best manifestation of your parental love will be that you begin to teach yourself organization and other important life skills. Start working with yourself, get on the Distance.
And most likely, you simply did not teach your child gratitude.
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.