Many children find it difficult to make friends or keep friendships because they lack the necessary communication skills. Danny is just such a kid. He is a quick-witted, lively three-year-old who attends morning prep classes five times a week. Danny really wanted to have friends, but nothing came of it. At the beginning of the year, he usually rarely approached other children and was able to wander around on his own most of the time. He stood out noticeably in singing lessons when he launched into a lengthy reproduction of the songs he had learned at home. During the semester, Danny repeatedly tried to become a participant in children’s games, but all his attempts were unsuccessful. For example, he will approach Alison and Becky, who are solving a puzzle, and stand next to them. Alison calmly says to him: «Get out of here.» «Why?» Danny asks. «Because I don’t need you here.» Danny quietly disappears. Another time, Danny walks up to the desk where Josh is working and says «Hi.» Josh doesn’t respond and Danny just walks away. Since Danny failed to attract the attention of other children, he tried to communicate with teachers. Thus, while some children are playing with colored plastic t.e.s, Danny takes some t.e.ks and, turning to the head teacher, asks: “Will you collect them with me, Mrs. Benson?” When, in response, the teacher invites him to play with Dylan, Danny, with toys in his hands, goes to the far table alone, while singing some song to himself. Another case: Danny and Kevin are swinging together on the ropes. Then Kevin runs away and invites his best friend Jake to join him. Danny was left to swing alone. He slowly walks to the school fence and looks through the gap for a long time at the neighboring school yard, where unfamiliar children from a parallel class are playing. When asked who his best friend at school is, Danny replies «Caleb». When Danny is asked why Caleb is his friend, he replies: «Because I want to.»
To make friends and keep friendships, children need to master several different skills. They must be able to engage in group activities, learn to be supportive and supportive of their peers, handle conflicts appropriately, and show sensitivity and tact.
Mastering these skills can be difficult. As Jenny’s experience shows, in kindergarten, children who make direct attempts to get involved in an already established group activity run the risk of being rejected outright. William Corsaro notes that once two or more children have come up with and defined a particular activity for themselves, whether it be solving a puzzle or flying aboard a spaceship, they often “protect” their activity by keeping out any outsider who might dare ask for them. They may not respond to a greeting, to the question “What are you doing? — answer: “We are making Easter cakes, but you are not”, and to a direct question: “Can I go with you?” — to give the same direct answer: «No.» Thus, in order to get involved in an activity, the child apparently needs to be careful, be able to skillfully maneuver and be persistent after the first refusal — a skill that Danny has not yet mastered.
The art of being friends also includes the ability to be a friend. The most popular children with whom classmates like to play are those children who often pay attention to their peers, praise them and willingly respond to their requests. Conversely, children who are often ignored, ridiculed, blamed, threatened, or refused to interact with their peers are usually disliked by their classmates.
This means that in order for a child to be included and accepted into their community by other children, he or she must also be “included” and “accepted”. It must be admitted, however, that «friendly» behavior is not always rewarded with friendship. Whether an expression of tenderness will really be appreciated by another child depends on how this tenderness is expressed and how the recipient understands it. While some children need to learn to lead in a more friendly way, others need to learn to restrain their too friendly displays.
As children develop empathy, they also learn the subtle art of interaction needed to resolve conflict and maintain friendships. Even four-year-olds can show such tact, especially when it comes to close friends. As confirmation of these words, I can, for example, refer to a conversation I overheard between David and Josh, who were walking together, pretending to be robots:
DAVID. I am a rocket robot and can fire rockets from my fingers. I can launch them from anywhere, even from my feet. I am a rocket robot.
JOSH (teasing). No, you’re a farting robot.
DAVID (protesting) No, I’m a rocket robot.
JOSH. No, you’re a farting robot.
DAVID (hurt, almost crying) No, Josh!
JOSH (realizing that David is upset) And I’m a fart fart robot.
DAVID (cheered up again) I’m a pee-pee robot.
During this argument, Josh realized that he had said something like this (“You are a farting robot”), which greatly upset his friend. He skillfully got out of the situation, humiliating himself (“And I am a fart-fart robot”), thus showing. that his bullying is not to be taken seriously. David’s response («I’m a pee-pee») to Josh’s move means that Josh accurately assessed the situation and successfully saved his friend from humiliation.
Acquiring social skills can be very difficult for a preschooler, especially if he or she has not had much past experience with peers without direct adult supervision. Kindergartens often serve as a «testing ground» for developing such skills.
Children acquire communication skills not so much from adults as from contact with each other. Through trial and error, they are more likely to discover which behaviors work and which do not. Children also learn communication skills under the direct tutelage of their peers or by their examples. When one day David whimpered, «Harry pushed me,» Josh confidently advised him, «Just tell him to stop.» In other cases, children introduce their friends to each other, help others find common ground, or show them how to resolve conflicts. And I tend to believe that this kind of advice and help from respected peers is often more effective than similar intervention from teachers or parents.
However, there are times when children need adult help to learn special socializing skills. A vicious circle — when children want to be friends, but do not have the skill of friendly communication — can be set in motion. Lonely children need to socialize with their peers to gain the confidence and skills needed to communicate successfully. But their lack of communication skills—for example, if they are unable to reach out to other children or often scare them away—may deprive them of just that opportunity. In such cases, the intervention of parents or teachers may be required. One way is to set up a child who has no friends with some other specific child—sometimes one who also has no friends—with whom the adults think he or she could get along. In at least some cases, such “pimping” helps two withdrawn children gain an initial and valuable experience of social recognition. Another way is to pair up an older child who is too strong or too aggressive, and a younger child, who the first (the bully) will refer to as «big brother» and, acting in this role, learns that you can win recognition without being a bully.
Psychologists have also developed a number of programs to teach communication skills to children of preschool and school age. In these programs, children who are classified as loners or «exiles» are given a series of sessions that demonstrate special communication skills, provide opportunities to practice it, and provide feedback on the results. In one such program, unpopular third- and fourth-grade students participated in pairs in a series of training sessions aimed at acquiring four sets of skills: how to take part in certain games, to do things in turn and together, to communicate with other children more verbosely. and how to support peers by giving them attention and helping them. In at least some cases, such training programs have markedly contributed to the involvement of initially unpopular children in the circle of peers.
As social skills programs tend to focus on promoting children’s social acceptance or popularity, some nagging questions about the value system arise. Do these programs really help children develop the ability to make friends, or are they tailored to the American ideal of glibness and good nature that has little to do with true friendship. (Peter Swedfeld explains our society’s tendency to be ‘together.’) The answer to this question depends both on the details of the program and on the value system of the adults implementing it. From the point of view of some, at least the leading ones, practitioners, “the purpose of teaching communication skills is not to create “popular” or “sociable” children, but to help children, no matter what type of personality they may be, develop a real relationship… with at least one or two children. It can also be questioned whether it is ethical to impose communication skills training on children who have little choice in this matter and who in some cases may not really feel the desire to become “friendlier”. Ultimately, the most compelling argument in favor of such programs is that they seem to increase a child’s level of self-control of their own lives:
“A child who is able to start playing or socializing with his own kind may still prefer to spend time alone. But such a child will be able to communicate successfully when he (she) wants it or if the situation requires it. On the other side. a child who lacks social skills may be left alone or «isolated» out of necessity rather than willingly» .
It is not necessary for parents and teachers to open formal courses to teach children social skills in a school or home setting; it is enough to resort to the demonstration of such skills, explanations and reviews about them. Although adults have a role to play in teaching children how to communicate, it is best if they play it in a subtle way. In particular, adults should beware of «correcting» in front of all children who have not yet mastered some skills and thus embarrassing them, and also publicly calling children «shy», because they will begin to consider themselves just like that.
Adults should not impose communication skills indiscriminately, but should respect the real differences between children, which encourage some children to form friendships with many peers, others to focus on one or two friendships, and still others to spend a lot of time alone. Any of these models can satisfy an individual child and suit him. In trying to help children make friends, we should be more interested in the quality of the children’s friendships than the number of them.