Kurt Hahlweg is Professor at the Faculty of Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy at the Technical University of Braunschweig (Germany). He began to fight for the preservation of family unions back in 1980. Today Halweg is one of the leading psychotherapists working with couples on the brink of divorce. In Germany, a divorce prevention program developed by Kurt Halweg has been implemented at the national level.
Psychologies: Don’t you think fighting divorce looks a bit old-fashioned? Now it’s easy to change partners, isn’t it?
Kurt Halweg: Yes, in a sense, my approach should be recognized as outdated. But, on the other hand, good relationships with loved ones remain one of the main life goals for many people. I would even venture to suggest that for the majority. And by changing partners in search of the best option, you can lose the skill of building relationships. After all, relationships are not only a positive experience. We inevitably face unpleasant moments – it has always been and always will be. And this doesn’t just apply to marriage. Parents grow old and need care, children have difficulties at school or in communication with peers, we ourselves have problems, for example, at work – all this is inevitable. And in such a situation, a person nearby is especially needed, on whom you can rely. Someone who is reliable, who knows us and is trustworthy. If a person constantly changes partners, this means that he focuses only on the positive side and reduces his “immunity” in relation to the complexities of life. It becomes more difficult for him to respond to them. Firstly, because such a person does not have the skill of solving problems. Imagine that one of the parents is ill. The “switching partners” logic you mentioned dictates the obvious solution – find yourself new, healthy parents quickly, right? But this is unreal. And secondly, in a difficult situation, there is a risk of being left without the support of loved ones.
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But after all, the change of partners can be explained precisely by the desire to find the very one, the real one, who can be our support?
K.H.: You can explain. But divorce is a habit. And the probability of divorce, as a rule, is higher in the second marriage than in the first. My experience is exactly that. And also that if you need a reliable, close person, you will have to work hard on relationships. And not to wait that he will meet one day – absolutely perfect and completely ready for this role. And finally, this approach to marriage has another drawback – it is extremely individualistic. This is how people think who think mostly about themselves. In my work, I try to think first of all about children. They can’t change parents. And almost nothing can affect them. But they suffer because of parental behavior, because of the relationship of parents to each other. And divorce, no doubt about it. The divorce of parents causes many problems for children – from the deterioration of academic performance and relationships with peers to difficulties in the couple, when grown-up children begin to create their own families.
“Sometimes two people come to a party – and it’s like the freezer door was opened … therapy can do a lot, but cannot return love”
Therefore, thanks to the communication skills acquired during psychotherapy, partners overcome not only the crisis in marriage, but also other difficulties in the relationship?
K.H.: I would love to believe it. And I often hear very interesting confessions from those who are undergoing therapy with me. They say that our work teaches them a lot not only about marriage. They learn to manage communication, especially in conflict situations. Learn to hear a partner and express their thoughts. And it doesn’t just work with marriage partners. For example, I often hear from clients that their relationships with their children and with colleagues are getting better. It is, of course, very pleasant.
Oleg Ivik
“Divorce History”
Reading the title, one cannot help but recall the witticism of the unsurpassed Oscar Wilde: “Divorces are made in heaven”! The authors unexpectedly agree with him (Oleg Ivik is the collective pseudonym of Olga Kolobova, a journalist and amateur archaeologist, and Valery Ivanov, a programmer and amateur historian).
Does the success of psychotherapy depend on the cultural level, education of partners?
K.H.: This is a very important question. Most of the couples who come to me are middle class, which implies a certain level of education and culture. But I also conduct therapy with partners who have working specialties. Often they understand my message faster than more educated people. They just ask, “What do we need to do now?” They do it and get results! Representatives of the middle class now and then argue, wonder if certain actions are necessary, question them. The main difference is in the nature of communication in such pairs. Couples with a low level of education rely less on words: actions for them are more eloquent and valuable than words. And if in such a couple the husband suddenly begins to help his wife when she does not ask for it, or the woman gives up her habits that injure her partner, then the effect of these actions often exceeds expectations. And, perhaps, even surpasses the effect of words in pairs with a higher cultural level. This is a valuable signal that a man (or woman) truly cares about his partner. Therefore, we can rather talk about a different style of communication in couples from different social strata, and the general patterns of work during psychotherapy remain valid.
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Is there a line beyond which divorce becomes inevitable?
K.H.: Yes and no. There are signs that allow one or another degree of accuracy to predict the fate of a couple. We know, for example, that the similarity of characters and values, a higher educational level reduce the risk of divorce. And the divorce of parents, an unhappy childhood, unfavorable living conditions increase it. And yet these are just statistics, big numbers. It is difficult to say exactly anything in each individual case. I had to work with couples about whom I thought: “Their relationship can not end in anything good.” In fact, a man and a woman talk to each other in a way that I would not allow myself to communicate with a stray dog! And then suddenly something happens – and they are all right! And it happens vice versa. A couple comes in and I think, “Well, 5-6 sessions and they’ll solve their problem.” And after these same 5-6 sessions, they decide to leave. You know what’s interesting? If partners quarrel loudly and often, if they behave aggressively towards each other, this is not necessarily a bad omen. After all, they are emotionally involved in the relationship, and this is important. It is much worse when there are no emotions, when the steam is like from a refrigerator. You know, two people come to a party – and it feels like the freezer door has been opened … Psychotherapy can do a lot, but it cannot return love. And while there are emotions, there is hope.
Deceived expectations
- 75% of men and 84% of women admit that marriage did not live up to their expectations.
- 55% of first marriages in the US and 40–45% of first marriages in Australia, the UK and Germany end in divorce.
- The probability of separation of partners who have a child is higher if their relationship is not officially registered. 35% of such couples divorce in the first five years after the birth of a child (Only 9% of spouses whose marriage is officially registered divorce in the same situation).
- About 70% of divorced people remarry within the first three years.
From research materials presented by Kurt Halweg at a seminar in Moscow.
Emotions can be expressed in different ways. Here in Russian there is still a saying “beats – it means loves.”
K.H.: Oh no, definitely not! Physical aggression is one of the most powerful humiliations in partnerships. This is something that should be avoided by all means. Just because, by putting your hand on your partner, you also strike at your children, who are always at the epicenter of such conflicts and cannot avoid injury in any way. Any person must certainly learn to resolve conflicts without the use of physical force. Fortunately, our society, it seems to me, is moving in this direction. For example, corporal punishment is perceived in developed countries as savagery, while here in Germany it is generally prohibited by law. (Although, of course, other parents still practice them.) The same should apply to relationships in a couple. There are three types of situations where partners resort to violence. The first is mentally unbalanced and impulsive people who are not able to control their behavior. The second is antisocial individuals, for whom violence is a form of domination, a demonstration of power. And the third is a situation where violence becomes the result of a constantly heated conflict and at some point seems to be the only way to get the upper hand in this conflict. So, couples therapy seems to be most effective in the third case. When I encounter physical abuse in a couple I work with, I have to stop therapy and refer the partner who initiates the aggression to a psychotherapy group where the psychologist addresses this very issue. In my office, a couple can promise never to be violent. But there is no way to know what is really going on between them at home. The goal of therapy is to help the two open up towards each other, to talk about what they like or dislike, to express their attitude, their emotions. And there is no way I can prevent the consequences if, for example, the husband perceives what his wife said during the session too painfully and decides to get even at home. This is a serious danger: greater openness leads to greater vulnerability.
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What is the peculiarity of psychotherapy for couples on the verge of divorce?
K.H.: The most important thing here is the nature of interaction with couples. Couples therapy is not as structured and formalized as, for example, classical psychotherapy. And if a classical psychotherapist works with a client, relatively speaking, leaning back in his chair, this will not work with a couple. When you have two people in front of you with their own tangle of problems, ready to break into a quarrel every second, you cannot just watch. You must be constantly included, ready to intervene and direct events in the right direction. That is, you have to sit, leaning with your whole body towards the couple that is in front of you. It is difficult, not all psychotherapists do it.
Have you had to use your own method in your own family life?
K.H.: It is better to ask a less interested person about this. My wife, for example. I can say that I have one and only marriage. However, this hardly says anything about the method. Because, for example, one of my colleagues, who has been working with me for a long time, has already divorced four times during this time.
Thanks to Yakov Kochetkov, President of the Association of Cognitive Behavioral Therapists, for arranging this interview.