A breakup, the loss of a job. Worse still: the death of a loved one. So many situations that plunge you into a deep feeling of annihilation, a sadness that nothing seems to be able to erase. And yet: time is on your side. It takes time to mourn. This goes through several phases, which psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described in 1969, in patients who were about to go through death. Then, little by little, a certain form of resilience will register in you, allowing you to move forward, to taste, again, to “The substantive marrow of life” : in short, to bounce back. 

The shock of a rupture, or, worse, the loss of a loved one, initially causes paralysis: the pain engulfs you, numbs you in a kind of torpor. You are hurt by an unimaginable, indescribable loss. You are in excruciating pain.

We all suffer losses in life. A breakup can take a long time to heal, the once loved one will reflect in your thoughts for a long time. The best is often to break all contact, erase all messages, end all relationship. In short, to empty the traces of the past. To bounce back, to open up to the possibility of a new encounter, of a new love, surely even deeper!

The loss of a job also generates a complete upheaval: listening kindly to your friends or colleagues can help you when you have just lost your job. These exchanges will help you get past the event and may even lead you to see the positive aspects resulting from this loss: the possibility, for example, of embarking on a new professional adventure, or even of retraining in a profession in which you’ve always dreamed of.

But the most acute, the most violent sadness, the feeling of emptiness, are obviously those which occur at the death of a loved one: there, as the psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross writes, “The world freezes”.

Having worked extensively with patients at the end of their life, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described “The five stages of mourning”. Not everyone goes through these five stages, nor do they always follow the same order. These tools help to identify his feelings, to pin them down: they are not milestones that define a linear chronology of mourning. “Each mourning is unique, as each life is unique”, recalls the psychologist. Building on these five phases, having “A better knowledge of the state of mourning”, we will be better equipped to face life … and death.

• Denial : it is akin to disbelief, the refusal to believe in the reality of loss.
• Anger : it can take various forms, and is essential to the healing process. “You have to accept it, even if it never seems to want to calm down”, writes Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. And so, the more anger you feel, the faster it will dissipate, and the faster you will heal. Anger also makes it possible to throw a veil on a multitude of emotions: these will be expressed in due course.
• Bargaining: bargaining can be a form of temporary truce. At this stage of mourning, the person prefers to revisit the past rather than suffer in the present. So she imagines all kinds of different scenarios, “And if only …”, she thinks over and over. This leads him to blame himself for not having acted differently. By altering the past, the mind builds virtual hypotheses. But the intellect always ends up concluding in the tragic reality.
• The Depression : after the bargaining, the subject suddenly returns to the present. “A feeling of emptiness assails us and sorrow takes possession of us, more intense, more devastating than anything we could have imagined”, says Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. This depressive period seems hopeless: yet, it does not sign a mental disorder. To help someone who is going through this normal phase of grief following the breakup or loss, it is often best to know how to listen attentively, while remaining silent.
• Acceptance: Contrary to popular belief, acceptance is not about coping with the disappearance of a loved one, the break-up, or a loss. So no one ever gets over the loss of a loved one. “This step consists of accepting that the one we love is physically gone, and admitting the permanence of this state of affairs”, says Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Our world has been turned upside down forever, we have to adapt to it. Life goes on: it is time for us to heal, we must learn to live, without the presence of the loved one by our side, or without the work that we have lost. It’s time for us to bounce back!

Mourning, loss, are emotional cataclysms. To bounce back, you will need to know how to give your emotions a break. It is a tough test to accept things as they are. You are still suffering from the breakup or the loss. You are, still, in uncharted emotional territory …

What to do then? Indulge in occupations that generate comfort. Like spending time with friends, joining a support group … “Determine what gives you an emotional break and indulge in these activities without judging yourself: go to the movies and escape to the movies, suggests Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, listen to music, change surroundings, go on a trip, take a walk in nature, or simply do nothing ”.

An imbalance has occurred in your life: it will remain so for a while. Yes, it will take time. But eventually you will find a new balance. Psychiatrist Boris Cyrulnik calls it resilience: this ability to live, to develop, overcoming traumatic shocks, adversity. Resilience is, according to him, “The intimate spring in the face of the blows of existence”.

And for Boris Cyrulnik, “Resilience is more than resisting, it is also learning to live”. A great connoisseur of the difficulty of living, the philosopher Emil Cioran affirmed that“one does not become normal with impunity”. Each crash, each wound of our life, causes a metamorphosis in us. Finally, the wounded of the soul develop, in an intimate way, “A new philosophy of existence”.