Social roles, the opinion of friends, colleagues, partners, family about us — all this forms our idea of ourselves. And the older we get, the harder it is to get to the true «I». But it’s worth doing. If only because without understanding our present self, we will not realize our potential, and all actions will be meaningless. Let’s figure out together how to know ourselves.
“My beloved” is the voice of my mother. She hugged me in front of school, kissed me on the cheek and invariably repeated these words, recalls 38-year-old Valentina. “You are strong, you are not a crybaby,” dad once said when, falling off a bicycle, I tore my knee to blood. «You are so beautiful!» — looking at me with admiration, said a classmate Seryozhka. I liked him, and he liked me.
Then I became “a citizen of my country”, as the teacher Zoya Mikhailovna said, “a bit of a musician” after graduating from a music school, a lawyer when I received a diploma from the university, a wife after I got married, and a mother of two charming children.
All these social roles, professions, character traits — there are many of them, and it’s all about me. But which of them am I, and which am I not? Do they reflect my essence?
Voices of others
“I am a complex formation, because in addition to “I, as we imagine it”, there is also “I, how we seem to others”, “I, how we want to be” and “I, who we really are,” the person-centered psychotherapist emphasizes Veniamin Kolpachnikov.
And the psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan compared the «I» to an onion, which layer by layer forms our different ideas about ourselves.
First there were parents whose expectations we tried to meet. Their reactions to our feelings, actions became a mirror, looking into which we learned to understand what we want and what we don’t want, what is possible and impossible, and in the end we had some idea of ourselves.
Then our «I», like a sponge, absorbed the opinions and actions of adults significant to us — educators, coaches, teachers. Friends, colleagues, partners — their words and behaviors have also influenced and continue to influence who we are and who we will be.
We speak from ourselves, but in fact our father often speaks through our lips
“Paradoxically, “I” turns out to be the sum of “other than “I,” sums up psychoanalyst Elena Ratner. — To have your own «I» means to absorb all the polyphony of the surrounding people. We speak for ourselves, but in fact, our father often speaks through our lips, while we frown and shrug our shoulders like a mother, and act as many people who influenced us would do.
We include in the image of our «I» those qualities that friends, partners, close people are ready or want to see in us. And our description of ourselves (for example, “I am an introvert, calm, shy, capable, sincere …”) is our “I”, perceived through the prism of their reactions.”
My universe
All parts of the «I-whole» sometimes live in peace and harmony. And sometimes they argue and even conflict with each other — for example, when we need to make an important choice, decide on a life partner, or work, or plans for the future, or take sides in a conflict situation. One part of us chooses material goods, the other — moral values, the third tries to reconcile them.
“It is at this moment of crisis that the question “Who am I?” arises,” says Veniamin Kolpachnikov. “They don’t care when life flows smoothly. But this question is relevant when difficulties arise. And then the person asks himself: who am I, in fact, what is important, valuable to me, what are my features, beliefs … «
It happens that the choice is made, but for some reason it does not suit us. And then we say: “This is completely different from me!” We seem to be playing back, referring to a kind of right to temporarily lose sight of our real «I» …
Sometimes you can hear: “I don’t even remember my name”, “I lost myself.” These words are heard during periods of great stress, great fatigue, deep doubts. They can also be a distress signal, a sign of the onset of depression, when the «I» for some reason ceases to be clear and inspiring and becomes a heavy burden.
“After all, in good moments, despite all its complexity and versatility, “I” helps a person organize his life,” Veniamin Kolpachnikov notes. “When we feel good and perceive well, we see in this formation the core, the very essence. And we easily isolate the quality or property that is most appropriate in a particular situation, correctly build a hierarchy of values.
In its place
We better understand who we are when, having made a revision of life, we come to terms with ourselves, accept the past of the family and occupy our own niche in it. The situations in life that we accept or reject become the building blocks that make us up. To become ourselves, we need to choose what we feel good about ourselves and get rid of what torments us.
But why is it so important to know and find yourself? Because, without trying to know oneself, it is difficult to take a worthy place in the world, to gain strength and lightness, to become an active participant, and not a powerless spectator of one’s own life.
“What I am (or think that I am) serves as a vital coordinate system for everyone,” Elena Ratner is convinced. “The better we know who we are, the more legitimate our desires are. The strength of «I want» is taken from the fortress of «I». Those to whom we say this feel it well and react accordingly.”
The path to yourself is a constant development and change
Meeting with the present can expect us in a variety of situations: in joy and sadness, in communication with friends, or when you need to make a decision. It is easy to understand that it happened: at this moment we clearly feel the harmony of our own thoughts and feelings, we clearly understand: everything that we are doing now is right and true. To feel this inner integrity, sometimes it’s enough just to decide and make a choice: this is right for me, but this is not. Regardless of what others say (or think) about the solution.
In move
But does this mean that you can find «I» once and for all? Not at all.
We can perceive ourselves mainly as a professional or, say, as a mother of a family, as if conserved in a single image.
But even for one day, a person can be a worker and a friend, a parent and a spouse, be sad and angry, love and remain indifferent. “These states must be constantly coordinated with each other,” says psychodramatherapist Gleb Lozinsky. — Those who think: «I became myself and now I will always remain so» are mistaken. The path to yourself is a constant development and change.
This path requires effort, reflection and attention. Sometimes it seems easier to believe that the character has developed completely, and get rid of attempts to change something in yourself. “Yes, I am like that and I can’t help myself” — which of us has not heard something like that? But one who takes such a position limits himself. He does not allow himself to move forward, and therefore fences himself off from himself.
“If you think that your essence is constant and unchanging, that it does not change throughout life, you find yourself slammed into a trap,” says British philosopher Julian Baggini. “But if you are convinced that you are not an entity, but rather a process, something constantly changing, this thought gives you freedom, encourages development. Watch the video from five years ago, you won’t recognize yourself! You are constantly changing. And the true essence is what you do not so much discover in yourself as you create yourself. And you create constantly, every minute.