Who is behind this name? A woman who allows a child to yell in a public place or yells at him herself for any reason? And what should we do if both are annoying?
The number of groups devoted to “yazhemamami” in social networks is growing, as is the number of their subscribers. They contain hundreds of videos and photos of mothers whose behavior is contrary to social norms. Vkontakte in the Yazhemat group has about one and a half million members. We see this turnover in the news headlines. Where did he come from? And why are our attention so attracted to women who are ready for anything for the sake of their children?
To discuss this, we invited experts trusted by modern parents to the editorial office. Psychologist, author of educational works for parents and children Lyudmila Petranovskaya, psychotherapist, specialist in family relations Ilya Suslov and author of the book “Not Just Tired. How to Recognize and Overcome Postpartum Depression, co-founder of the Maternal Mental Health Project Ksenia Krasilnikova met at a round table and answered our questions.
Psychologies: How would you define who’s “squeezing”?
Lyudmila Petranovskaya: For some women with children, “to bite” is a comic self-name. I often hear from mothers: “I sewed my daughter’s New Year’s costume until one in the morning, that’s how I “mother”! But when this expression is addressed to others, it can be filled with a negative meaning. And that’s part of the double bind parents get today. There are high demands on them today.
Due to social and demographic circumstances, our children are now very “expensive”. Previously, childbearing was a “venture project”: I gave birth to ten, two of them survived, and thank God! Today, children are an important investment. The state and society have expectations about the level at which their needs will be met: the child must be surrounded by love, care, and attention. The mother is obliged to always hug him, never yell at him, never hit him on the pope.
So women become the frontmen of this idea. But when they realize it, society again comes to them with the opposite message: “Please provide the child in such a way that everything is fine with him, but at the same time, so that we don’t have any problems. That is, we do not want to miss you in the queue, nor to suffer that the child is crying. You make sure that you never offend a child, but that we all do not give up anything at the same time. But that’s impossible!
Ilya Suslov: It seems to me that the expression “mother” is often used to describe socially unfulfilled women or those who feel unhappy. By giving life to another, they can finally feel meaningful. And we also hear messages dictated by the country’s demographic policy: “Give birth! Children are needed!
It turns out that after giving birth, a woman does something good not only for herself, but also for society, the state. She is a winner and considers herself entitled to expect admiration and gratitude. She gets it to some extent: the family is happy, the state pays benefits, people sometimes smile. But suddenly she stumbles upon someone’s rejection. Not everyone is in a hurry to appreciate her feat. Unfulfilled expectations give rise to resentment. A woman who was able to assert herself only through the birth of a child will be outraged. And this can make her behave provocatively, shockingly.
Do women with children really require special treatment?
Ksenia Krasilnikova: In my opinion, the phrase “mother” is a sign of a discriminatory attitude towards mothers. I don’t remember that I have ever observed super-demands to the environment on the part of women with children, so that they behave inappropriately. It used to be asked to let them pass in line, but always politely. I see hostility more on the part of society. For example, I want to go for a walk with my child. How many obstacles will I face? How can I walk through the double doors of a store with a stroller where there is no ramp? How can I get on the bus? What if the baby cries there? And if I need to breastfeed him, what reaction will I face?
LP: I agree with Xenia! I have never met particularly stubborn “jazhemamers” who would shove others around so that they would be allowed to skip the line. Usually mothers with children stand in line just like the rest. It happens that someone will say: “Go with the baby, he falls asleep with you …” And mothers respond timidly and gratefully, and sometimes even refuse so as not to attract attention to themselves … Again, many modern mothers grew up in families where it was not considered that a child is a great value. They themselves in childhood often did not receive attention, understanding, consolation. And sometimes they try to compensate for this with their behavior: “I will act differently!”
Then what irritates us in the behavior of “yazhemothers”?
LP: The negative reaction of others is sometimes caused not only by mothers, but also by fathers who interfere too actively when it seems to them that their child was offended by another child or, for example, by a teacher. But we have a whole generation, accustomed from childhood to the fact that no one protects them!
As parents, they can indeed overreact aggressively when their child is being bullied. At such moments, they protect not only children, whom, perhaps, they did not offend so much, but also themselves: those little ones who were defenseless. And yes, they probably go too far sometimes. This is understandable in human terms. But when the form of this behavior goes beyond the “necessary self-defense”, we are unpleasant. Or maybe we would like us to also have a “yazhem”, which is a mountain for us? And there wasn’t. And it’s a shame that someone has
To protect ourselves from our guilt, we try to attack the one who reminds us of it.
IS: It seems to me that this word is also really used out of envy, hidden or explicit. For example, someone could not have children for physiological reasons or chose a career. Some, not having something, want to devalue it. I can’t buy an imported car – “All foreign cars are bad, you have to take a domestic one!”. Or we are driven by a sense of guilt: “I see someone who did something that I should have done, society also expected this from me.” To protect ourselves from our guilt, we try to attack the one who reminds us of it.
The media sometimes talks about mothers who throw their fists at those who, as they think, have offended their child. Or let your kids scream in a public place, kick another passenger’s seat on an airplane. What explains such cases?
LP: There are clinical or borderline cases. And most likely, the point here is not the child, if there weren’t him, it would be “I’m a dog lover” or “I’m a motorist”: children, as it were, are inserted into a certain matrix. But this is not a phenomenon, but private stories associated with the peculiarities of the mental state of a particular person. This is not a reason to say – all mothers are like that.
K.K.: Up to 20% of women experience postpartum disorders1. This condition requires support, and sometimes treatment, without this, everything can end in suicide, sometimes with children. Therefore, in my opinion, any intervention of society in the state of the mother – through the use of the phrase “to swear”, for example, or some other stigmatizing one – can be disastrous for her.
LP: And then, if on one side of the scale we have a child, who, perhaps, is beaten with a mop in the garden, and on the other, mothers who suddenly become rude to someone, complain excessively, and even make an elephant out of a fly, what is more important? But children will not feel total defenselessness in the face of systems, when you can’t do anything at all and you can’t tell your mother, and if you tell, she scolds you.
Not only the childless, but also those who have a child, condemn other parents …
K.K.: Many are “inspired” to condemn their own experience, which seems to be successful. “If I have not experienced such difficulties in motherhood as you, then I am better. Do as I do!”
IS: Some people forget that children differ in character. There are quiet, docile, and then their dads and moms have a successful upbringing experience. They notice that some parent in a similar situation can not cope, but at the same time they do not see that he has a different amount of strength and skills, children with a different character. And they condemn: “You can’t, you’re bothering us, what did you give birth to, since you can’t cope!” I am also a father of many children, I have been on planes and trains with two, four, and six children.
LP: Ilya, can you imagine such a situation: a man with four children enters the trolleybus, and they say to him: “They gave birth here”?
There is a difference in society’s attitude towards mothers and fathers!
IS: Dads are still afraid. Try to come to me, I can defend myself! If the baby is crying and I can’t calm him down, then I did everything I could, and I don’t feel guilty about it.
K.K.: Male gender is a privilege. I think it’s hard for a father to experience first hand what it’s like to date what a woman meets with children, especially when there is no partner around.
LP: When your child screams in public, it’s embarrassing for any parent. But the mother will not only face the fact that the child is crying: she will also feel the condemnation of others. Even if they don’t say anything, at that moment she hears all the voices that sounded earlier, recalls replicas from the Internet. She feels as if they are thinking about her: “Here is the“ zazhema ”how she is raising a child! Can’t calm him down, spoiled him!” The father in such a situation has one problem: the child is crying. He doesn’t think he has to save everyone around him from that sound at all. In the eyes of society, dad is not to blame. It was not he who spoiled the child, he was not a bad father. And my mother would be to blame.
In our society, a woman who has given birth seems to owe everyone around, not only her child
So why isn’t the expression “yazheots” as popular?
IS: From a man, society does not expect him to cope. Only a mother can cope, and since she cannot now, well, let’s endure! Fathers also probably feel this: “Now I am not doing my job, but my mother’s. I’m already doing so well that I’m holding a child!
K.K.: I would like that in the society of the future there would be no idea that work is divided into maternal and paternal. I dream that dads do not “help” wives with children, but fully participate in upbringing. Women have fewer privileges than men. Having children is an additional discriminatory motive, because the woman who gave birth supposedly owes everyone around, not only her child. In addition, the thought of ideal motherhood also adds internal requirements for ourselves, because we want to raise a generation of happy children.
What can we do to make it easier for women with children? So that there are fewer sad, and sometimes frightening stories about mothers …
LP: I would pay attention to how rarely mothers are helped. Once my eldest child was very small, he was about a year old, I flew alone with him from Tashkent to Moscow and already imagined those four hours on the plane. He won’t sleep, you can’t shut him up with his chest. No food, no going to the toilet. And when I got on the plane, there were two English-speaking old women next to me. When they saw my blond baby, they said, “Oh, how sweet.” Everything! I had the best flight in my life. They took the child, four hours with him lisped, touched. I was able to eat, sleep and rest. The child was delighted, they are delighted, and so am I.
It would be easier for everyone if we helped each other. And the children would not scream, exhausted mothers would not break down on the children, and the old women would fly, not listening to the cries of the child, but making him a goat and enjoying it. Why doesn’t such a simple possibility come to mind? Children really require a lot of energy. If we are irritated about other people’s children, it is useful to ask ourselves questions: “What is happening to me now, why am I so worried?” Reflection is always better than no reflection.
K.K: My personal world would be more beautiful if mothers were at least not condemned or condemned less. On-demand support would also be helpful. This is much better than giving advice like “put on a hat”, especially if the advice was not asked.
IS: You know, you and I are already doing a miracle. Our children have already received and are receiving much more warmth and kindness than we once received from their parents. We were given love at one time for a hundred rubles – and we give you a thousand. And there is hope that the next generations will be kinder not only to their children, but also to those around them. We all come from a society in which it was customary to criticize, to pass judgment on everyone around. Therefore, it is difficult for us, firstly, not to condemn others, and secondly, to abandon the idea of “saving” everyone, to help everyone at least with advice. But we can strive for it.
1 See “Depression is a common condition and people need support and treatment” at who.int/mediacentre