Just one month to rekindle the passion

“After 7 years of marriage and the birth of a child, my sexual excitement has cooled down a lot,” says 38-year-old Laura. “It’s not that I don’t love my husband, but when our son was born, I felt that sex began to lose ground on my priority list. He never made it up the list.”

История Лауры — один пример из многих. Из сотни пар половина не удовлетворена, еще 10 не только не удовлетворены, но и не обсуждают этого с партнером, и только оставшиеся 40 вполне довольны сексуальной жизнью. Что же делать? Смириться? Ничего подобного, считает Иэн Кернер, который разработал свой собственный «рецепт страсти».

Down with negative emotions

For a new upswing in your sex life, you need to “sober up,” says Kerner. From what? From all the non-viable elements that are stored in sexual relationships and “extinguish” these relationships.

Tensions, disappointments, conditioning due to upbringing, boredom, a sense of duty, memories of negative experiences, large and small wounds, various kinds of experiences and suffering …

From this arises the seemingly provocative solution that Kerner proposes: to stop making love for a certain period, during which both partners try together to discover and solve the problem of tension, emotional blocks and other difficulties.

A month of “sobriety” and rebalancing, after which it will be possible to continue the relationship with a greater sense of unity and “complicity”.

Rebuild intimacy

“The period of abstinence,” continues Kerner, “is a simple and effective way to start doing something in an area of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXblife in which it is often not clear what the problems really are and how to deal with them.

It’s a big difference between avoiding sex (with subsequent feelings of guilt and discomfort) or consciously deciding not to have sex with your partner. When you set a certain period of “chastity”, you immediately feel relief, which is just not enough to rekindle desire.

However, in most cases, abstinence alone is not enough to solve the problem, and it is necessary, along with it, to conduct a detailed internal study that brings out deeply hidden feelings and difficulties.

“In addition to taking this course in all seriousness, you can do some physical verification,” Kerner assures.

Often the cause of a decrease in desire is a problem with physical or mental health. What are their common features? Hormonal disruptions, anemia, insomnia.

A visit to the doctor will help answer the question of whether the problem is physical or already psychological. It is at this moment that the 30-day course described by us can start.

Course 30 days of relaxation

Программа Кернера предполагает определенный период согласованного воздержания (месяца в большинстве случаев как раз достаточно) и серию расслабляющих упражнений. Большую пользу принесет ведение дневника, в котором нужно делать записи аккуратно, день за днем.

1. Finding roots

У вас были любящие, открытые родители, щедрые на ласки? Или они были замкнутые? А может, они вели себя зачастую холодно? Каким бы ни было их поведение, это безусловно повлияло на ту легкость, с которой вы можете открыться интимной и сексуальной жизни. Но достаточно ли ясна и определенна ваша память? Ведь часто наши воспоминания расходятся с тем, что мы пережили на самом деле…

Take a trip to the past: take out old family photos, review them with warmth, let the memories begin to surface in your memory. You can ask yourself any questions that come to your mind, such as:

• Какие моменты близости были для вас самыми нежными и приятными?
• How did you experience adolescence? Did your parents withdraw during this period? Or, on the contrary, did you yourself seek to move away?
• Was there a difference in how much attention was given to you and how much attention was given to your brothers or sisters?
• How were you talked about sex while you were growing up?

As you travel down memory lane, pay attention to how you feel: sentimentality, anxiety, nostalgia, anger … At the end of this exercise, write a couple of lines about what you think about how your upbringing may have affected your disposition to sexual life.

Also, if you like, add a word or two about what you think has changed (or is currently changing). Start right from tomorrow!

2. First steps

“Many people think that their sex life began with the loss of virginity,” says Kerner. “However, in reality, everything starts much earlier. The first fantasies, desires, the first kiss – that’s where the sexual experience begins, and they can have an impact many years later.

Write a short reflection on one of the following topics:

• The first time you romantically held hands with your partner;
• First kiss on the lips; first kiss passionately;
• First touches;
• First caresses;
• First sex;
• When did you first experience oral sex;
• When you first tried oral sex yourself.

Rate each experience: “amazing”, “good”, “neutral”, “bad”, “terrible”. For each of these points, ask yourself the following questions: what happened then, how did you feel, do you think that this experience can affect you still.

However, do not forget that this exercise is also the most important step to let go of bad memories, that is, if you had a negative experience in the past, this does not mean that nothing good will happen to you in the future.

3. Your current relationship

Underline the five points that best describe how you feel about your current partner, and write down the letters that mark these points.

Теперь повторите это упражнение, разобрав все ваши предыдущие отношения. Так вы узнаете, к чему у вас есть тенденция стремиться: к отношениям, основанным на физическом влечении, или же вы ищете уверенности, а может, вам удается находить равновесие между этими двумя аспектами.

Вы поймете, был ли в ваших отношениях момент, когда страсть оказывалась под угрозой исчезновения, сможете спросить себя, в чем была причина и как не допустить повторения подобных ошибок. Повторяется ли схема? Она вам нравится или вы хотели бы ее изменить? Вписываются ли в эту схему ваши нынешние отношения?

4. Magic formula of love

Each of us reacts differently to certain stimuli: sights, sounds, smells and sensations. A kind of “desire formula” is formed from different reactions. Spend a few days trying to reconnect with what you love the most.

• Describe three of your favorite sexual fantasies. Try to understand which elements of these fantasies excite you the most, and write down how they have transformed over time (if they have).
• Make a list of your favorite erotic memories: especially naughty relationships, erotic scenes from movies, photographs or paintings, moments in which your body was happy (not only in a sexual sense, this could be, for example, the moment when you bask in the sun).
• Write down five situations in your journal that remind you of sex and pleasure.
• Last day of the course: re-read all the notes and underline the most positive recurring elements: these are the ingredients of your magic formula of passion. And this means that the course of 30 days can be considered completed and you can return to your normal sex life.

About the Author: Ian Kerner is a sexologist, consultant, researcher for the American Committee of Sexologists, and author of Sex Detox.