Domestic and family violence can take many forms. Sometimes, to make a partner suffer, it is not necessary to shout or throw insults. Silence can also become a sophisticated psychological torture.
Their arguments always end in one: he silently unfolds the newspaper or pokes his head into the phone. He doesn’t listen to her, only to himself. “A partner who chooses this style of communication puts himself out of the couple,” says Isabelle Levert, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, expert in French Psychologies. “He looks at relationships as a struggle for power, in which it is important not to give up, not to show his vulnerability, not to make concessions.”
Silence torture
Leaving the conversation, the partner achieves his goal. Silence allows him to control the situation and the other person. A husband who wants to “teach” his wife can simply get up and leave, cutting her off in mid-sentence. And even leave the house without saying where. She is left alone with unspoken words and heavy thoughts that torment her from the inside.
Why is silence so destructive? It creates a vacuum that is immediately filled with suspicions, fears and questions. This is how one of the methods of psychological violence works – gaslighting. His goal is to make another person doubt the adequacy of his perception of the world and, as a result, his own sanity. Victims of gaslighting can indeed develop psychological problems, up to a clinical disorder.
Vicious circle
“Sooner or later silence causes a reaction. The offended side moves from suspicion to reproaches and accusations,” explains Isabelle Lever. – In fact, this is an attempt to reach out to a partner, to break the silence at any cost. Punch a hole in his shell, make him answer – even if the answer is cruel. Thus, the victim accepts the rules of the game imposed on her by the tormentor. Relationships finally turn into a battlefield.
For the one who uses the tactics of silence, his main justification is his inviolable rightness. He understands everything and everyone. He “knows” how to act, what to say and how to behave. From such a person you can often hear words like “I didn’t expect anything else from you”, “this is very in your spirit”, “everything is clear with you”. When the other tries to challenge another peremptory statement, the conversation again comes to a standstill.
Read more:
- Gaslighting: what to do if you are denied adequacy?
Between intimacy and loneliness
Contradictions in a couple are inevitable, but you need to be able to talk about them. Everyone should have an equal opportunity to speak out and be heard. “A partner who fences himself off from the other with a wall of silence often cannot decide for himself the main question – is he ready to be part of a couple,” says Isabelle Lever. “He always marks the distance. His position: I’m not with you, but not apart.
An alliance in which one speaks and the other is silent (but does not listen!), ceases to develop. Often the more open partner gets tired of bearing all the burden of the relationship and leaves. For others, it may serve as a signal. Then he decides to rethink his attitudes. Perhaps he will learn to open up, let down his defenses, and make compromises. If this does not happen, history will repeat itself in the following relationships. If he decides on them at all.