Experiencing tender feelings, showing signs of attention, counting on romantic relationships and getting nothing in return. Such is the fate of those who find themselves in the friend zone, or “friendship zone.” How do we get there and can it be changed?
Friendzone (from English friend – “friend”) is friendship with someone with whom you would prefer a romantic or sexual relationship. It is believed that most often it is men. For example, as the hero of the series “Game of Thrones” Jorah Mormont in relation to his beloved Daenerys Targaryen.
Everyone can fall in love without reciprocity, but men are more likely to be attracted to their friends of the opposite sex, while women can be friends without it.
“The female version of the friend zone is sex without obligations: a situation where a girl is in love and wants a serious relationship, and a man considers her only as a sexual object,” explains psychotherapist Pavel Beschastnov. – People find themselves in the friend zone and sit there for years, because they are not ready to give up their illusions and admit the fact that they, so beautiful and worthy, have not been loved.
It seems that you can influence another person with your actions, which he or she will definitely understand and appreciate. Depending on how strong this illusion is, the situation can drag on for years.”
This is probably why the phrase “He is in her friend zone” breathes such longing. A man in love hopes that in the future his feelings will become mutual. He continues to help, give, amuse and listen, but the object of adoration only uses it.
“I have a few male friends who are interested in me, but I’m not sure I’m ready to date any of them,” says 28-year-old Svetlana. I like their attention. Yes, and help is never superfluous. One can replace the wheel if it is flat, the other can drag the suitcase, the third can help in the country.
Therefore, the female analogue of the friend zone implies intimacy
Men do not need to help with a suitcase or pump up a tire – for this they have themselves or their male friends. “In addition, friendship with several girls at once increases self-esteem,” says psychotherapist Svetlana Mardoyan. “Another reason a man can have multiple girlfriends is because he doesn’t want to be in a serious relationship with any of them.”
Many of us, however, are not so mercantile. “The men who look after me make me feel like I’m not alone,” says 32-year-old Olga. – They say that if the muscle is not trained, it will atrophy. This format of communication with men suits me, because I don’t want to forget what it’s like to spend time with a person of the opposite sex, like him. Moreover, I do not promise anything and do not give reasons to think that there can be something more between us.
Often, however, the words of the girl do not matter, and all her “no” is perceived as “yes, but then.” She, as promised, is honestly friends, but after a while she still listens to complaints. Simply because a man is under the illusion that he can tip the scales in his favor and achieve what he wants.
“If you do not deceive people and do not make false promises, this level of friendship does not oblige you to anything and enlivens life,” says Svetlana Mardoyan. – The desire to feel attractive is also quite natural – both men and women have the right to do this. Another thing is to lie, to encourage and use a person for selfish purposes. However, here we all proceed from our own concepts of morality and honesty.
According to Svetlana Mardoyan, each of us has both practical and inner value
“Ask yourself why you keep this person around,” the therapist advises. “Is it just because of the function that he performs and the resources that he shares, or do you like to laugh with this particular person and it is his jokes that will make you laugh?”
Did the person you’re in love with and who doesn’t reciprocate your love offer to stay friends? Agree or not – you decide. But the reward in the form of sex or romance is not spelled out in the “contract”. As well as the guarantee that signs of attention will bear fruit sooner or later.
Yes, the friend zone can soften the blow to the ego for a while. Rejection hurts. But the point may not be in you and not in the object of adoration, but simply in the fact that the feelings are not mutual. It happens. It also happens that friendship turns into love. But only in the case when it originates in a true friendship: for example, like Monica and Chandler from the TV series Friends. After all, neither one nor the other character can be called a typical “victim of the friend zone” – none of them used the other for their own benefit.
“Use begins when we make a person an object, a “thing”, we don’t see a subject in him, sums up Svetlana Mardoyan. – Dating a woman just because she cooks well, or with a man because he knows how to lift weights, means to see their practical value and not see the inner one. But such a decision is always on the conscience of a particular person.
About the experts
Svetlana Mardoyan – psychotherapist, existential analyst, trainer, supervisor. Her .
Pavel Beschastnov Psychiatrist, psychotherapist, cognitive behavioral therapist. His blog.