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Parents in all countries are concerned about the same issues. How to awaken a child’s interest in learning? How to cultivate self-esteem? How to properly punish, is it worth giving gifts for good behavior? We chose a few questions that we asked a famous psychologist.
How to listen to a child
How can I understand how my child feels? Maybe ask him directly?
Questioning will not help to understand what really worries or pleases the child. In response, he will most likely remain silent or say something short, unimportant to him — just to get you behind him. After all, children do not yet know the language of emotions, do not understand the shades of feelings.
To delve into the experiences of the child, to help him express his emotions, to let him know that we understand his feelings, active listening helps. This way of communicating involves naming the feeling out loud. “She doesn’t want to play with me,” the daughter says in tears. Mom can say: «You are offended and very upset.» This is how we make it clear to the child that his experiences are meaningful to us.
When we speak in affirmative sentences and patiently hold a pause in the conversation, children, as a rule, begin to talk about their experiences, to share their innermost things.
Being able to actively listen is especially important in a situation where the youngest child appears in the family.
With the help of this technique, you can help the elder at this difficult moment for him. Sit in front of him so that your eyes are at the level of his eyes, and say: “You are sad, you lack my attention. I am always busy with the baby. And you want me to be with you more.
Many mothers, on the contrary, get annoyed, begin to reproach: “I can’t burst!”, “You are already big and should understand!” No need to rationally explain, justify. It is only important to recognize that the older child has the right to feel what he feels. And be kind to him.
About bribery and children’s interests
“Is it possible to pay a child for the fact that he fulfilled the order of his parents? And what to do when he does not want to do anything other than playing games on the computer?
You have to find out what he likes the most. It is possible to expand the field of interests of the child only at the expense of what this interest already exists. Does your son like to watch soccer player Messi score goals? What exactly does he like about it? Develop interest in the «hot spot», listen carefully to what the child says about his hobby.
Let him live his mind. Learn to make decisions and take responsibility for them
Paying with money or sweets is a false path in education. Suppose a child does math and ends up getting candy from you. Thus, you emphasize: candy is the main thing. As a result, the value system shifts, and your task is to form it.
The true value — optimism, vitality — goes out when we give the child «bribes» for what he does. Curiosity, perseverance, joy from overcoming obstacles, interest — this is what should motivate children. Develop healthy ambition in your child, do not replace it with any cheap stuff.
About punishments
“The elder beats the younger, no words of adults have any effect. How to punish a child so that he obeys?
If a son or daughter has done something while in a state of passion, strong tension, anger, aggression, they cannot be educated at this moment. And it’s pointless to try to explain anything. The child simply will not hear us.
But you need to reduce his physical activity — if the child is small, put him, for example, on his lap and say: «First you calm down.» Then actively listen: “You are angry. Something happened. You have the right to be angry, but you can’t use your fists.”
Only when the child really calms down, you can start talking with him about what happened, determine the boundaries of what is permitted, establish rules and agree on sanctions in case of their violation.
The most effective way to punish is to deprive a child of something that he likes for a short time.
Explain to the child as early as possible that there are emotions that a person has the right to, and there are actions that cannot be performed. “Let’s think of another way to deal with this situation. But if you hit your brother again, I will have to punish you.”
About self-esteem
“How can an adult with low self-esteem instill a good attitude in a child?”
You have to start with yourself. For example, with a relationship with your partner. It is difficult for children to contain and regulate their emotions, and adults have such opportunities. If you, for example, are offended by a partner, do not swallow the insult! A suffering person always has low self-esteem. Say to yourself, «I don’t want to suffer.» And, straightening your back, tell your partner about how you feel.
Use the I-message. This is a good way to protect yourself. The “I-message” includes the pronoun “I” and the feeling that you experience: “I am offended when they don’t listen to me” or “I am upset because …”, “I am sad …”. The feeling can also be positive: “I’m so glad you did it.”
We have the right to express ourselves, while, of course, listening and understanding the other person
When we act like this in front of children, they adopt our communication style. But this is not a matter of one day — it takes time to restore self-esteem. Although sometimes it is useful to bang your fist on the table and express everything that has accumulated!
“Is there a risk that a child whose parents use I-messages will think that they are just big selfish?”
The «I-message» is not used to correct the child’s behavior, but only to convey to him how his behavior is reflected in the feelings of the parent. Children often think that their parents are Iron Felixes, simply because parents are not used to talking about themselves. Therefore, it is so important to talk with the child about how we feel: “You know, I was hurt to hear that.” He will draw his own conclusion. The main thing is to be sincere and not manipulate his feelings.