Contents
What influences us more — innate qualities or those laid down by upbringing? Is a child born with a “blank slate” or already a personality? And is it possible to remake the character to make life easier? Psychologist Julia Gippenreiter reflects on this in her new book, On Raising a Child.
Of course, a child is born with a certain physical organization, with which temperament is closely related, that is, his energy and emotionality. Both depend on the properties of brain structures — the speed and strength of excitation, as well as on the connection of emotional and intellectual centers. Each of these properties and connection is different.
For example, Pushkin’s Tatyana is «wild, sad, silent, like a timid doe in the forest.» This is close to describing temperament. And her words to Onegin: “But I am given to another and I will be faithful to him for a century” — this is already a manifestation of her personality.
Personality is formed during life. Her sister Olga is a frisky girl who flew like a swallow. At the same time, she quickly forgot her Lensky and fled with some hussar. The first is her temperament, the second is the manifestation of her personality.
Temperament is how a person feels and acts, and this is largely from nature. And a person is what moral rules he lives by, what values he has. This is laid in the family, through human communication, culture.
Nature made sure that someone was strong, aggressive, someone peaceful, and someone else — quiet and thoughtful. Therefore, with different temperaments, educators have different tasks. If your child is noisy and energetic, calm his energy more often, try to calmly talk and communicate. If the child is quiet and too thoughtful, then caress him, hug him. Talking is intellectual contact, while touching and hugging is emotional.
What is more important — innate qualities or laid down by upbringing?
Nature lays the traits of temperament, mainly the intensity of our emotions and reactions. One person expresses himself brightly and violently, the other is more calm, the third is often frightened and anxious. Life experience is superimposed on such reactions — habits, skills, knowledge.
And if we talk about morality, values and ideals, then this is always a matter of education and self-education. It is impossible to become a religious or unbelieving person by nature. “Genes” do not determine how you will grow up: an honest person or a corrupt official. This is acquired during life, you are not born with this.
Can character be changed?
What does it mean to change character? If you are a sociable live person and get bored in a monotonous environment, then what do you want to change — stop being bored? What for? It is better to change the situation to suit your character, if it does not harm either you or the other.
But some character traits can create difficulties. For example, an emotional person can express emotions too violently, where it is necessary and where it is not necessary. He better learn to control himself. And there are many different folk remedies for this: take water in your mouth, count to ten … But this will not be a change in character, but work on your behavior, in which character traits appear too sharply. And behavior can and should be worked on.
When a man and a woman meet, they have some moments that attract them, especially at first. How to find common ground so that, with different characters, not to move away from each other?
Much depends not only on the character, but also on the worldview, on education and on the manner of communication. The manner of communication is not necessarily the character. The character may manifest, for example, in the fact that one reacts calmly, and the other explodes, and then says: «I’m sorry!»
Of course, it is good to understand the character of the person you met. Try to define it. Why is it important to know? First of all, because every character has «weak points». What it is? These are the types of situations in which it is difficult for a person to cope with himself. It is clear that the task of a close person in such situations is not to put him.
For example, there is such a character — closed. These are people who do not like publicity, are closed, live in their own world, are silent. At the same time, they value their thoughts, tastes, and preferences very much. If you impose something of your own on him — how to tell him what to love, what to do — then he will be annoyed. He also does not tolerate being asked, “Where have you been? What have you been doing? What did she say, what did you say? In response, you will most likely hear: “Don’t bother, I don’t remember!”
It is also difficult for a «closed» person to have situations where he has to communicate a lot. He performs formal duties well, he has a developed tendency to keep order. And when the phones ring endlessly, a lot of people come, everyone needs something from him — he is not ready for such a life.
And the other character is mobile. Such a person, on the contrary, loves to communicate, wants everything that happens around to be noisy, lively, exciting. And he does not like the planned order. Now imagine: the husband has a closed character, the wife has a mobile one. And they have to reckon with this in their life together!
If he sits silently, thinking about something, then she should not pester him. In fact, «closed» people like to communicate, but only when they themselves choose the time for this. Then for God’s sake. And the mobile one sometimes does not care about this, and even takes offense at “inattention”. This is where tension arises, which can be avoided thanks to the knowledge of the characters.
More about this in the book “We have different characters. How to be? And «harmonious points of contact» are sure to be found if each member of the couple shows respect for the differences and characteristics of the other.
Read more in Julia Gippenreiter’s book «On the upbringing of a child» (AST, 2020).