They write to us, they call us, they ask us questions. Most readers are occupied by the topic «how to communicate with a child.» And we know who can calm the excitement. Julia Gippenreiter, psychologist, author of the bestseller “Communicate with a child. How?” answers your questions.
“At what age and in what way can children participate in housekeeping? Do they have to pay for it?»
Julia Gippenreiter: Paying kids is wrong. Usually this question arises if the situation is already running. Independence must be encouraged, and at any age — a one-year-old should be given a spoon in his hand so that he tries to eat himself. In no case do not stop the initiative of the child when he wants to do something himself.
Preschoolers often volunteer to wash dishes, do laundry, cut bread, knead dough, drill, hammer… And this should be encouraged. Do something together (“I’ll cut a carrot, and you wash the pan”), bringing things like dusting, sweeping the floor to automatism. They love to go to the store at a certain age — you need to let them go to the store. Give them money, trust them. But do not overload, do not give them tasks that they cannot handle. And if something did not work out — do not scold.
So, the golden rules: do not deprive the initiative, involve in family affairs and do not take on what they can do themselves. That’s all. Then the transition from the state of “I myself” to duties will simply take place. He already does all this himself: he washes the dishes and goes to the store. I give an example in the book (hereinafter, «Communicate with a child. How?». — Approx. ed.). We asked 1st-2nd grade how they help at home. “We want to help, but they don’t give us.” They asked the 5th-6th grades: “But we don’t want to do this anymore.” The problem is that they stop wanting. Or they get bored. And then there is the question of load distribution.
Why does everything have to be blamed on mom? This question can be calmly discussed: “You don’t feel like it, and it’s hard for me, you’re tired — and I’m tired, we must distribute it honestly.” Children understand the concepts of «honesty» and «dishonesty», «sympathy» and «indifference» well.
A huge mistake when parents take over everything to free up time for the children: “Just study, I will provide everything for you.” As a result, children develop a false understanding that their needs are more important than their parents’.
To prevent this from happening, it is necessary to tell children about their condition, their tastes and ideals, positions, points of view on work and people. Try (without notations!) to inform about yourself, to share your state. And starting from a certain age, discuss the moral side of the issue. “You want to work less than I do, am I right?” «Do you want to use other people’s work?»
Pay attention to the wording, it is very important. Compare: «Don’t smoke» and «Thank you for not smoking.»
Paying for lessons learned, taking out a bucket, going to the store (including the widespread “Keep the change for yourself”) means that parents are trying to commercialize the child’s life in those aspects that cannot be bought: duty, responsibility to yourself, parents, society, school. «Be an honest man!» we say. And get a hundred rubles?
Another thing is to give pocket money. Not as a thank you, but regardless of what the child did or did not do. He is entitled to pocket money if you have agreed with him about it.
“Our son has always been an almost excellent student, and this year (8th grade) he abruptly moved down to triples. Husband is desperate! As punishment, he wants to deprive the child of summer holidays, all trips and plant him to re-take the program … »
Learning at this age is the sword of Damocles that hangs over every parent in every family. We need to look for reasons why this happened. Often this happens because of unsuccessful teachers, an overly strict attitude of parents to learning. Or maybe the child simply cannot cope with the load, or some important event happened in his life (he fell in love without reciprocity). There are many reasons. But the measures that the parents are going to take will not help. The desire to learn cannot be created by punishment. And it’s a matter of desire.
How do parents argue: the child did not study well, did not try, and why should we entertain him now? He didn’t deserve it, did he? Fair question. But what will you get as a result of the restrictions? The child has already slipped nowhere further, and from the fact that he will not go anywhere, he will not be helped, but there will be either anger at his parents, or a loss of self-esteem — “I am a loser”, “I am a loser”. And when children consider themselves losers, it’s terrible. Because of this feeling, they have a desire to beat their heads against the wall (see the previous part. — Approx. ed.) — to punish themselves.
What to do? Restore his self-esteem. Formulate: «You will go to the sea, but let’s deal with mathematics.» Punishment and misconduct should be proportionate: I got a deuce in dictation — stay after school and rewrite. Did not learn the rule — take the time and learn. What is important is not the fact of punishment itself, not its ferocity, but what you get as a result. By the way, even if you let him go to rest, he will not be one hundred percent happy: he understands perfectly well that September 1 is just around the corner …
“We want to get a divorce, but for now we live together and do not understand whether it is worth talking about this to our girls (5 and 10 years old). And if so, how».
Of course, you need to talk to children. Moreover, it is necessary to maintain friendly relations with each other, at least in front of girls, so that they understand that mom and dad are good and everything that happens between them has nothing to do with children. Why should you discuss your plans with your children? First, they still know and feel everything. If you do not tell them the truth, they may develop health problems: tics, asthma, allergies.
You can’t hide the truth from children. But you need to present it in such a way that they understand that this can be dealt with and that you will do it together. Don’t say, «We’ll get divorced soon.» It’s better to say: “My dad and I have problems, but we want to solve them.” It is not necessary to describe everything in detail. If they themselves ask questions (“Mom, what, does dad want to leave us?”), They need to be answered: “It’s not completely decided yet, dad hesitates. I want you to know that he loves you very much.»
If you do break up, it is important that the girls have the feeling that dad still loves them and will love them. In no case do not interfere with their meetings. At the same time, talk about how you feel: «My husband left, I’m bitter, it would only be better for everyone if dad stayed.» Such conversations are important for children because they see the experience and example of the mother, how to experience and overcome grief without loss. That it’s not the end of the world. It is at this point that children begin to grow up.