Julia Gippenreiter: “Learning to communicate is a natural process”

Psychologies: Should children be taught to communicate?

Julia Gippenreiter: If parents are asking the question “How to teach a child to communicate?”, Then the very formulation of the question will be wrong: it’s like asking: “How to teach him to speak his native language?”

The baby begins to speak the language that the parents speak to him, and this is a natural process: he does not have to memorize words or memorize the rules … Learning to communicate is the same natural process, and the child will communicate the way his parents communicate with him.

That is, it all depends on what kind of example we set for him?

Yes, because for a child, relationships with parents are a model of relationships in general. We just live with him from day to day, talk to him, as well as with other family members, as openly, sincerely and attentively as possible.

If relationships in the family are built correctly, he absorbs the culture of communication from our daily interaction. Therefore, all the advice that can be given to parents does not relate to learning to communicate, but to communication with the child as a whole.

What advice do you have for parents who want to build a warm, trusting relationship with their child?

First of all, unconditionally accept it. That is, to love him not because he is handsome, smart, studies well or helps around the house, but simply because he is. But accepting a child does not mean never being angry with him: you can express your dissatisfaction with his individual actions, but not with the child as a whole.

When a person knows that he is loved for who he is, he has the right self-esteem or, more precisely, according to the term of the American psychotherapist Virginia Satir, a good sense of self-worth. This feeling is absolutely necessary for a person to be successful in communication and in life in general.

What are the most common mistakes parents make?

Here is one of the most common and very sad mistakes: parents turn to their child only with complaints and criticism. And when everything is good, then there is no need to talk about it. But, if a parent takes the position of an educator instead of the position of a person, he closes himself from the child, is afraid to show him his own experiences and, as a result, gives an example of insincerity. This is how the baton of mistakes is passed on: the child will reproduce with other people, and then with his own children, the style of communication that he has learned in the family.

He definitely needs to hear sincere words and receive positive messages, because he learns about himself only from the words of loved ones. A small child has no inner sight, and he expects confirmation from us that he is good, that we love him. Hearing our positive messages, the child – again on our example – learns to share his feelings kindly, and also to be aware of them.

What comes first here: awareness of one’s feelings or the ability to talk about them?

This is a process that goes both ways. Communicative (associated with communication) and cognitive (associated with thinking) functions of the language mutually influence each other and are mutually enriched. If we sincerely talk with the child about what we feel, he also learns to talk about his emotions and through this comprehends them better.

The task of parents is to develop the vocabulary of the child, to help him master the richness of the language. Together, look for the right word to express the subtle nuances of his experiences. The processes of understanding and expressing feelings are inseparable: a person who does not know how to talk about what he feels lives in a world of vague emotions, and if his vocabulary of feelings is poor, then the feelings themselves are poor.

How can parents help a child learn to express what he feels?

First of all, listen to him. But it’s not just about listening. If a child comes to you with a problem – he is upset, offended, hurt, ashamed, scared – then the first thing you can do is let him know that you know about his experience, that you … hear him.

How to do it? It is best to say what you think he is feeling right now, call his experience by name. For example, if a son runs up to his mother in tears and says, “He took my car!”, the mother may respond: “You are very upset and angry with him.” So you will not leave the child alone with his experience, but show that you understand his grief, are ready to hear more about him and accept him.

This simple yet powerful technique is called active listening. You return to the child in a conversation what he told you, while indicating his feeling. Active listening is the opposite of criticism. In fact, it is useful in communicating not only with a child, but also with any interlocutor.

And how to talk with a child about your feelings, including negative ones?

Feelings, especially if they are negative and strong, in no case need to be kept in oneself … You still won’t deceive yourself or the child, because a large amount of information about our condition is given out by non-verbal signals: our posture, gestures, intonation, facial expressions .

It is very difficult to control them all. And suppressed negative emotions sooner or later still break out and result in harsh words or actions. And vice versa: when a negative feeling is named, spoken, it decreases, therefore, one must express one’s anger and other negative emotions in words, and not keep it in oneself.

But how to tell a child about your feelings so that it does not result in criticism or scandal?

It is very useful to use not a “you-message” (“Well, what kind of look do you look like, who do you look like?”), but an “I-message” (“I don’t like it when children walk around disheveled, I’m embarrassed by the looks of my neighbors”) . That is, we are talking about ourselves, about our experience, and not about the child, not about his behavior. After all, every “you-message” in such a situation is, in essence, an accusation, a criticism. It causes nothing in the child, except for the desire to defend himself.

By using the I-message, you are expressing your negative feelings in a way that is harmless to the child. In addition, it gives children the opportunity to get to know us parents better. And the child feels: since we are open, sincere, and trust him, it means that he, too, can trust us.

And how to teach a child to behave outside the family, in a society where communication is perhaps less trusting?

The culture of communication (and the art of communication) is, first of all, to behave adequately to the situation. And it is the parents who introduce the child into this culture. Of course, not everyone needs to be told everything, someone – less than mom. If you heard and understood the child, then he now understands people. You discussed with him his feelings, yours and those around you, talked about the fact that people are different.

Proper communication between parents and a child develops in him the ability to reflect, reflect on his own experiences and the experiences of other people. He goes to school and shares with you what is happening there. And you listen to him, following the same principles that you used before.

And do these principles work for the new, broader situation?

Yes. His social experience grows, the social circle becomes wider, but the idea of ​​understanding another person remains the main one. Using the example of your communication with a child, you teach him the main principles of relating to himself and others: that he himself and any other person is valuable in himself, that everyone has feelings and has the right to express them. He will learn from you how another person works, how society works, what rules exist. And so you teach the child not just to communicate, but to be a person and exist together with other people.