Julia Gippenreiter: «Follow the child and help him grow»

Psychologies: What can we really do for the good of our child?

Julia Gippenreiter: The best answer is visual. Remember Michelangelo’s fresco: God creates Adam. Their hands are about to meet; the powerful, muscular hand of God rushes to the outstretched hand of Adam. An adult is a bearer of knowledge, wisdom, ethical principles. And he passes it all on to his child.

That is, educates?

I would change the verb: it is too often associated with such actions as force, force, demand, control, check. Therefore, it is better to say not “educates”, but “raises”. Helps to grow.

So that someday the child will grow up and be able to live among other people, independently. And then the adult must move his hand away. Because the child’s hand has already acquired its own strength. He is an individual, a person. And when that happens, the parenting mission is over. Then only their personal feelings for each other, their love, friendship between parents and child remain.

But it happens otherwise: parents continue to “educate”.

This attitude is child abuse. And not only over those who grew up, but also over small children. Each child has his own process of comprehension, his own pace of development, growth. We must not interfere in this process, let alone interfere inaccurately. It means breaking it! Parents should be helpers. It’s like with a plant — it needs to be nourished, protected, and not pulled by the top and rushed.

There are also external requirements: what a child should be able to do by a certain age…

The great mathematician Vladimir Arnold recalled how, at the end of the first grade, the teacher called his mother and said: “I can’t translate your son, he still hasn’t learned the multiplication table, he adds numbers in his mind instead of multiplying.” But his father is a professor, his grandfather is a professor — it can’t be!

And that’s what my grandmother came up with then — she made cards, like playing cards, but with examples: seven eight or five three. And on the other side is the answer. And they began to play together: «Five six.» “Thirty,” says Volodya. Set the card to one side. And if the answer is wrong, then to another. And so, on the one hand, the stack of cards grew thinner, and on the other, it grew …

So he quickly learned the entire multiplication table. Why? The teacher demanded automatic answers, and the boy pondered, he needed to understand. She threatened him with punishment: I will not translate. And the grandmother turned learning into a game and achieved the desired result, not forcing the child, but following him.

To what extent do the interests of the school and parents coincide?

The school as an organization is not interested in the development of creative thinking and independence of the child. It is built on tasks, programs, and methods handed down from above. And it requires their unquestioning implementation.

In fact, the school is a laboratory for the production of weak-willed people, because a student is, by definition, bonded. He is a performer. For creativity, he does not have time, thought. A strong-willed personality is born only when a child grows up in an atmosphere of freedom, initiative, curiosity and search.

It is customary to think that a strong-willed person can just force himself to do what he does not want …

Will is a concept inapplicable to action. It applies to the individual. Will is free energy, and a strong-willed person is one who has this energy and who does what interests him.

The physiologist Pavlov forgot to receive his salary, he forgot to dine, so he was fascinated by his research. Let’s nurture such a will in a child so that he wants to do something and does it, so that he has a living desire and interest. And when they force him, intimidate him, like that teacher who says “I won’t translate” or “You learned everything, why are you so stupid?”, Then fear and a sense of inferiority are instilled in the child. He loses energy, the desire to do something.

Therefore, parents have to make a choice: to stand either on the side of the school or on the side of the child. To inspire is the task of an adult. If the school does not do this, then parents should do it — at least the first steps in this direction. Release the child from coercion, tell him: «You must not.»

But can a child be allowed to do whatever he wants?

First of all, it is necessary to learn to understand what he really wants and why he wants it. An interesting observation was made by one mother. It seemed to her that her son was testing her patience: he watched a cartoon many times in a row, which she categorically did not like. And his mother reproached him: “You have a lot of developing programs, books and games, do something else, in the end! You can’t watch this cartoon anymore. This was followed by tears, tantrums and resentment.

But then the mother took a course of active listening and tried to change tactics. Active listening is a way to have a conversation that allows you to understand the condition, feelings and thoughts of the child. The main techniques are to turn to face the child, repeat what he said, name his feelings. As a result, the child himself advances in solving his problem, and the parents become calmer, less irritated, better feel the moods and desires of their son or daughter.

“You want me to play this cartoon for you,” she says in the affirmative. — “Yes, I want to watch this particular cartoon, because I really like it!” “You really like this particular cartoon,” she says. «Yes very!» the boy answers. The mother pauses. “But you never let me watch it,” the boy continues.

Then mom says, «You’re angry because mom doesn’t let you watch a cartoon that you really like.» “Yes, I want that so much!” And after a pause: «I want to watch a movie with you, mom.» We see that some kind of special process is going on in the child. «You were not at home all day, and I really miss you.»

Mom repeats again: “You are very bored, my baby, and you want to watch a cartoon with me.” — «Yes I want this very much». She hugs the child. He runs to his room, brings … the «Learning to Read» disc and offers to watch it for a while, and then just read his favorite book together.

What happened? The mother finally heard that the child really wanted affection and understanding. This paradoxical behavior — to annoy in order to get attention — is very typical for children.

So, you can sometimes allow not to do what he does not want?

Of course, it is not always necessary to obey rigid rules. If, for example, the daughter asks: “Let me not go to school at least today. I can not do it anymore!» — why not let her do it if you are sure that she will not fall behind at school.

But the child is important to secure, protect. As soon as he began to limp in any academic subject, sound the alarm. Start pulling it out as early as possible. You need to determine what the difficulty is, and pull it out. Otherwise, there will be a snowball of problems.

Because when it doesn’t work out, self-esteem begins to fall, and your opinion of yourself worsens. It is measured by actions. I study well — I’m good. I help my mother — I’m done. The child needs to take good care of himself. And if this is not the case, if “I study poorly, my mother is angry with me,” then he becomes very ill.

Since the child cannot live with a bad opinion of himself, he turns on the mechanism of self-saving. Like a dog for healing grass, he is looking for a place where he will receive approval, support, recognition. He is looking for an authoritative opinion somewhere, but it doesn’t matter to him whether it comes from a bandit or a priest.

And therefore, at the age of 11-13 years, a sharp change in values ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbcan happen: I tease the teacher — I’m done, I don’t come home, I climb dangerous places — I’m done, I’m a hooligan, I steal — well done. The teenager has high self-esteem again — but now it is measured on a different scale.

Some parents are afraid: if their child has not succeeded in something, then they themselves will be assessed as a “bad father”, “bad mother”.

Now I’m trying to imagine how such parents turn out. This means that they themselves were never allowed to live, following their own spontaneous desires, they were constantly evaluated. They did not have their own opinion, they did not feel that they had the right to straighten up to their full height and have their say. I would talk with such a mother about what she herself thinks about her child, about how she loves him and how she helps him. And I would advise not to listen to anyone!

Even if it’s a teacher?

There are different options for communication, and you need to find the right one. One of the participants in my seminars said that a teacher called her and began to scold her son: he is so-and-so, he is both fifth and tenth. But this mother simply said: “You know, Nina Petrovna, I love my boy very much!” And Nina Petrovna fell silent.

This is one answer. You can also use the opposite one. “Thank you for telling me all this, I see your ardent desire to help my child get out of this unpleasant situation. I will do what you told me.» Then come and say: “You must have noticed an improvement, and so have I. I’m sure it’s thanks to your efforts.»

Teachers are people too. Sometimes it is important to reassure and support them. Make it clear that you appreciate their work, respect it. But the evaluation of your child is ultimately always yours. No matter what they tell you, you still love him. School is temporary. Your relationship with your child is forever.