Almost most often, our readers are interested in the answer to the question “How to communicate with a child?”. And we know who can calm the worries: Julia Gippenreiter, psychologist, author of the bestseller “Communicate with a Child. How?». She answered your questions.
“Daughter seven, son ten. I had very tough parents and I don’t want to deal with my kids the same way. I try to negotiate with them, but this is unbearable — we are constantly bargaining.
Julia Gippenreiter: The author of the letter wants to abandon the model used by her parents. She suffered so much from them that she probably went the other way very much, losing her position of authority. Authoritarianism and authority are two different things. She has ceased to be an authority for children, that is, a person whose words and feelings are respected, honored, accepted, who are listened to.
To communicate with a child means to accustom him to the rules. How to organize life, distribute household duties, teach hygiene — the family should have a whole list of indisputable rules. If you are negotiating endlessly, repeating the same thing, it means that time has already been lost or you are not very good at following the golden principle: «If something does not work, do it differently.»
On the other hand, communicating with a child means building a harmonious relationship with him. First of all, you need to make sure that they are friendly. Parents, especially authoritarian ones, do not have this action at all in their minds — to meet the child halfway, listen to his needs, difficulties, take into account his condition, give in, especially in the sacred question “Can I not go to school today?”.
But as soon as the parent shows sensitivity to the child, first weighs whether it is necessary now to insist, demand or listen to his request to do something, to go somewhere (with which he does not really agree), everything changes. If your principle is: «I said — and that’s it,» then no friendship will work, there is no goodwill.
It is important to listen, take into account, sometimes give in, and most importantly, conduct a conversation with the child in such a way that he confidentially tells you what is in his soul. There are a lot of situations: the teacher scolded, slapped a deuce, there was a control — if he tells you all this, you will have a chance to help him. And then you will receive two bonuses at once: firstly, you will help, and secondly, your relationship will improve.
It is important to communicate with your child in a positive way. Still, of course, it is necessary to take into account the “zone of proximal development”: if it is difficult for him to do something alone, you do it together. In the first book (“Communicate with a child. How?” Approx. ed.) I devote a lot of time to this “let’s get together”.
You distribute responsibilities, he sees that you are helping, together you do everything faster, and he does not get tired of the fact that again the mess, and he alone cannot cope with it.
Why are parents, especially tough ones, afraid to give in? They believe that the child will make it a habit
Delving into the needs of children, it is important not to sacrifice your position, your position, your point of view. There are immutable prohibitions in the family, neither children nor adults violate them. Examples. «No rudeness in the family» — naturally, you do not demonstrate it yourself.
“There is only at the table” — if the child does not want to eat, let him not eat, but there are not enough pieces. “Children go to bed at 10 pm” — 5-10 minutes are possible, but if the buildup is at two o’clock, sorry, you are to blame. Of course, there are exceptions. If dad was absent from home for a month and will arrive only at 11, you can stay. Or New Years. Why not allow children of 7-8 years old to meet him?
These are cases when we hear a child and give in, and such violations of the rules will not spoil anyone, will not violate the usual regime. Why are parents, especially tough ones, afraid to give in?
They believe that the child will immediately take it into a habit. Although really just need a conversation: “You don’t feel like going to bed, there must be reasons, let’s figure it out; actually, you are supposed to go to school every day, I can give in, but this is an exception to the rule … ”A positive attitude is a must.
To yield and listen, you need to know when, in what and how. It is similar to how a fisherman pulls out a fish on a spinning rod. The fish pecked, and a big fish — if you pull very hard, it can break off the hook (if we “pull” the child, he will break off the hook and stop obeying).
The process of catching occurs gradually, two different maneuvers alternate — let go, pull up, let go, pull up … And this is a long-term education, not for one day.
“Our 15-year-old daughter is demanding that she be allowed to come home late. She says that her girlfriends can … What should we do?
Julia Gippenreiter: You need to understand what a girl wants, what she is striving for: to an independent life, self-determination; how much she is captured by an erotic motive, love, whether she wants to like, have a boyfriend, including because «everyone already has one.»
The problem of self-esteem — «I’m ugly» or «I like.» On the issue of communication with boys, a lot of needs and experiences come into focus. They need to be known, and they need to be discussed with the child. And prepare for it in advance. Already at 8, 9 years old, talk about boys, who, who likes and why.
If for some reason an abyss appears between mother and daughter, you need to immediately become a friend to the girl. And to understand that risks are inevitable — you need to let go on New Year’s Eve with an overnight stay, walk in an unknown company … The main thing is that she tells something, but she will not tell if her mother starts to condemn or scare her.
I describe in the book such a case: my 15-year-old son was walking in the mountains. I told him that I would be very worried, there are dangers there: cracks, abysses. He replied that I only make it worse for him with my words. And then I remembered how I myself was leaving to ride Elbrus and a close person told me: «I’m worried about you.»
Can we meet them halfway and thus show that we are on their side — that is the question
So, when we got to the site where it was possible to ride, but it was all cracked, I remembered this person and did not climb, I thought: why should I upset him? You expressed your experience — this is important, it will protect the child from dangers.
But forbidding nosebleeds will not work — they have more energy, they will begin to deceive. Here you have to take risks, but no one has the right to advise “taking risks”, this is the choice of each parent, to what extent and in what situation he decides to do this.
A friendly, trusting relationship will help you a lot, they will remove some of your anxiety, because the girl will tell you more. You need to be friends with the guys, you need to understand them and understand that they will trust very dear and close in exceptional cases, if we behave nobly, and not authoritarian, stupidly insisting on what we consider necessary.
What do parents usually say? “You will disappear, you will be expelled from school, you will work as a janitor, a cleaner.” This is the fear of parents, and they intimidate the child with it. Not realizing that the momentary situation is much more important and weighty for the child than some sky-high distances, they do not see as far as their parents can see, and it is much more important for them to resolve the situation here and now.
Can we meet them halfway and thus show that we are on their side — that is the question.
“After my seven-year-old daughter threw a tantrum in the store, I couldn’t help but crack her lips. The worst thing is that this is not the first time this has happened to me. I feel myself guilty. The only thing I could do was apologize to her.”
Julia Gippenreiter: I will answer this mother specifically — it is not permissible to hit a child, especially in the face — this is an insult. Even more impermissible — not for the first time. And an apology did nothing to improve the situation. It’s like they cut off the wrong leg during surgery and just apologized.
The girl’s mother needs the help of a psychologist, she has a very difficult situation — her personal, inside her, and therefore she builds such relationships with the child. Approximately the same case I describe in the book, when the girl came up to the wall and beat her head against it. When asked why, she replied that she was bad and should punish herself.
Abusive behavior on the part of adults teaches children that they are not people, they can be treated as they like, and they will let anyone treat them as they please. In books, I go into some detail about the scenes that children arrange and tell what to do in such situations.
(To be continued)