Jorge Bukay on the three rules of life

There are many Gestalt therapists, but Dr. Jorge Bucay is one. He has been practicing Gestalt therapy for almost 40 years at the opposite end of the Earth from Russia – in Argentina. Dr. Bukai turns his personal and medical experience into books designed to help both therapists and patients.

There are almost 20 books, and they diverge in millions of copies in 60 countries of the world – and it is not surprising, because Dr. Bukay writes very simply and witty, loves parables and fairy tales and often cites himself as an example, creating a calm and trusting atmosphere. We publish several interesting fragments of his lectures and meetings with readers.

“Happiness is a way to overcome the path”

I am not a writer, I am a psychotherapist, even if I have written 20 books. My books are more scientific than fiction. In total, several million have been sold. I think it’s because more and more people want to read something about themselves.

The problems faced by people in Russia, Argentina, Germany or Korea are the same. Human dramas have the same meaning in all languages ​​and all cultures. There is a difference in the details, yes, but our troubles are similar: loneliness, misunderstanding, difficulties in realizing ourselves as individuals, and our desires are similar: we want happiness, a decent quality of life, a faithful companion and also see how our children have grown.

I write about love and freedom, about weddings and friendships, and about how nervous we all are, but always about my personal experience. Doubts tormented me, I had depression, I suffered from a feeling of loneliness. And, speaking of this, I share solutions that once helped me myself and only then helped those who turned to me for help.

I could not help some patients precisely because their problems were too close to me, too similar to mine, and I had not yet found a solution. I’ll give an example.

I have a daughter. One day a woman came to see me, whose daughter was diagnosed with a serious diagnosis – a brain tumor with a short-lived and disappointing prognosis. Her daughter’s name was Claudia, just like mine. She was 8 years old, like mine then. My patient told her story and wept, and I wept with her. I was powerless, because she did not need a second mourner, but I had nothing more to offer. And I helped her find another specialist.

Although I am writing for myself and about myself, for the reader I am working on a form of presentation. I try to write in a way that my mother understands me. She did not even finish high school, but she loves to read very much, she learned to read by reading. When I first started, my mother asked me to let her read my book, and, of course, then I wondered if she liked it or not.

She said, “Son, this is just wonderful! But I didn’t understand anything.” Then I learned to write in such a way that my mother understood everything, and now everyone can understand my books. I won’t mind if many people say, “I don’t agree!” or: “I think otherwise!”, but let there be no one who would say: “I do not understand.”

When I studied medicine and decided to become a psychotherapist (it was about 40 years ago), in Argentina there was only one way to do this – to become a psychoanalyst. I imagined it like this: the patient lies on the couch and says, I sit at his head so that he does not see me, and write down everything he says, sometimes muttering “aha” or “uh-huh”, or even: “How is this related to your mother?

That’s what I did in the beginning, and I was very bored. In order to stay awake, I wrote not only what my patient says, but also what I would like to say to him myself, if I could speak. One day I gave these notes to my patient. And did so a few more times.

Two years later, the patients returned these notes to me and said: “Jorge, this should be published.” All I needed was to correct them so that there was one, common addressee. This is how Claudia’s Letters came about. Neither publishers nor shops took them, everyone laughed at me, and I published them myself, at my own expense, with a circulation of 500 copies.

People should tell each other stories and listen to each other. Every person you meet teaches you an invaluable lesson, and you did not even know that you needed this lesson. Each person should be considered as a teacher. Sufis believe that learning is like sewing the new onto the old. In such sewing, the student dutifully follows his teacher, like a thread after a needle, but everyone understands that the main thing in sewing is the thread, it is she who actually sews.

What should everyone do

I believe that in life a person has not only rights, but also three duties. Exactly three. Perhaps you think differently, but I know for sure about three.

1. Everyone is obliged to change for the better and become the best person of those people that he can be. To fulfill this responsibility, you need to grow, and this is possible only by learning. If I want to learn something and I have not only curiosity, but also humility, then anyone can become a teacher for me.
2. Everyone must be happy.
3. Everyone is obliged – and I, and you too! – help at least one person to fulfill these duties. But then, when these three duties are completed, you can do anything!

I position myself as an assistant, but in fact everyone can only help themselves. I help people help themselves to live a little better, so to speak. I am not saving anyone, I understand perfectly well that the world has done without me for thousands of years and will change little with my death.

And it is important to remember that books do not replace the therapist. A book can really help, it’s true, but not one – and there are many books better than mine! – does not replace therapy. But I am very pleased to hear that my books have made someone’s life happier.

Talking about happiness is difficult because we start from a wrong understanding of happiness. We think that to be happy is to rejoice, and to always be happy is to rejoice always and in everything. But this is unreal.

For me, happiness is not joy, but peace of mind and balance of the inner world. It’s not a place or even a path. Happiness is a way of overcoming the path when you walk slowly, but also do not try to go slowly, do not push anyone and do not allow yourself to be pushed, without overweight in the backpack and without suppressing your feelings. When you walk with confidence that this path is yours. This movement will definitely get you where you need to be. This is happiness.