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What difficulties await lovers who are going to live together? Psychologist Janet Reibstein and coach Susan Quilliam answer.
Before you start agreeing on small everyday issues: what bath rug to choose or what color should be the dishes for a gala dinner, try to come to an agreement on more global issues. It is better to discuss them with your partner in advance, for example, when you first think about the time to start living together.
Here are five difficulties that couples most often face when they decide to move to a new stage in a relationship. Psychologists recommend talking about this before you start packing.
1. How do you both feel about marriage?
This may seem like a rather strange question for those who have already made the decision to live together. But are your motives the same? “For each of the partners, living together can mean something different,” warns psychologist Janet Reibstein. – For some, this is a natural stage before the wedding. And for some, it’s just a step in a relationship, without any plans for the future.”
Everyone has their own idea of ”how to”. How to pay, cook meals, wash dishes, water flowers and make beds
Think about why you made this decision. If the prospect of marriage doesn’t scare you both, great! But if you want to move in together to save your fading feelings, think again, is it necessary to save them?
2. Who pays the bills and who does the dishes
Money and housework are the two main causes of family quarrels. Ask yourself the question: is the partner responsible, how will he behave in difficult situations? “When we begin to live in marriage, the scripts of behavior laid down in us in deep childhood by the family come to the fore,” explains Janet Reibstein. – Obviously, we share with a partner not only living space, but also life. It would be nice to understand that everyone has their own idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbhow it should be. How to pay, cook meals, wash dishes, water flowers and make beds.
Ideally, you need to find a middle ground between how you and your partner see this situation. In such matters, there is no ideal and there are no concepts of “correct” – just try to develop a scheme that will suit both. And most importantly, if you do not like how, for example, a partner vacuums, do not think that you have stopped loving him. Think about it, do you have a claim specifically to your spouse, or is it still to your (deceived) expectations?
3. How do your disputes end?
How couples deal with conflict affects their relationship. But, as with issues of everyday life and money, there are no categories of “right” / “wrong”. Many begin to quarrel after they come together. But even if you’ve had some petty spats or major door-slamming fights before, things will be different now.
“The way you argue and fight will have to change,” says relationship coach Susan Quilliam. – At least you will have nowhere else to go, slamming the door loudly. Especially if the apartment is small. There is a possibility that not only the manner will change, but also a reason for disputes. For example, if you turned a blind eye to your partner’s chronic lateness, now they can begin to annoy you more.
“Living together also requires good management skills,” says Janet Reibstein. – There will always be topics that constantly pop up in disputes. And only couples who are ready to accept this and approach this difficult task creatively have a chance to survive.”
4. How can we diversify our sex life?
Most of us believe that sex will change as the relationship develops. But almost everyone expects only one thing from living together – the complete fading of interest in each other and the transformation of sex into a routine. “Of course, inaccessibility and spontaneity add fire to sex,” Susan Quilliam comments. “On the other hand, it depends on us whether sex will get better over time.”
We complain about the lack of novelty and mystery, but we forget what role a unique and intimate knowledge of all the partner’s erogenous zones, his wildest desires, what he likes and what not can play. At the same time, a long life together really does not always imply novelty in sex, and one can only dream of spontaneous desire, as in the first months of a relationship …
Overwhelmed by the excitement and novelty of living together, we often underestimate the importance of purely personal space and time.
“Dating is a proven way to shake things up, but believe me, if you dedicate at least one day off to each other and experimenting in bed, the benefits will be much more,” sums up Susan Quilliam.
5. What if I need to be alone?
“One of the biggest changes you will notice when you find yourself in the same apartment together is the complete absence of the personal space that you are so used to at home,” warns Susan Quilliam. Yes, this may sound trite. But overwhelmed by the excitement and novelty of living together, we often underestimate the importance of purely personal space and time. Only after a few months do we feel an acute lack of privacy.
“At such moments, a person begins to feel guilty,” continues Susan Quilliam. – And sometimes he even thinks about the strength of his feelings for a partner. But the desire for personal space often means something quite different. Moreover, it is a perfectly natural and necessary desire.”
If you have the opportunity to share the rooms in the apartment, then this will solve the problem. For example, make an office or at least agree on who occupies which room when. But if this is not possible, look for a solution outside the home. Fitness, dancing, drawing class and meditation lessons – believe me, sometimes it’s worth spending time separately. Because it can be so wonderful to miss each other.
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